So PA Man told me he wants me to be happy. Isn’t that wonderful??
Well, it’s not what you’re thinking…he basically wants me to stop talking about the affair, stop being mean all the time, HIS words, not mine, and to be happy, because I NEVER seem happy anymore!!
Oh, OK. So I have my orders! I have to be happy, happy, happy, because that makes HIM feel better….who cares what I feel, right??
Who cares that 3 1/2 years after the affair, I’m still having triggers, I STILL don’t trust him, I still wonder what other secrets he might be hiding….I’m to be HAPPY and stop being so mean!!
Who cares that he’s passive aggressive and won’t do anything about it….who cares that his boys don’t miss him at all when he’s gone on week long business trips….and neither do I!
Who cares?? As long as PA Man is happy…that’s all that matters!
PA Man threw me crumbs this weekend…..and I gobbled them up, like a fool. Well, after our conversation yesterday, that won’t be happening again.
I now know how he truly feels about me. And I will remember. I’m a mean, unhappy person, who never lets anything go….meaning the affair…and he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore.
He says he’s sorry, but he’s not. I know this. I’ve known it for awhile…..true, genuine remorse means change….and PA Man hasn’t changed at all….He’s still a selfish man-child….and I’m now wondering if I’ve done more harm to myself and my boys by staying and trying to fix this marriage….when, in fact, I should have made him leave after Dday.
DIVORCED FROM ABUSE 
Thank goodness for blogs! The venting and explosions can go here. Although this is not an explosion, just a venting of some pressure, You know what is happening, and you stand there watching the train derail, in frozen awe. I know, because I am doing the exact same thing!
YES! Blogging helps me release the frustration and anger…even though it’s still there, right below the surface….but at least with the support I find here, I don’t feel so alone 🙂
Being happy all the time wouldn’t work. I tried that at about the 10 year mark. Lost weight, took care of myself, made NO demands, was cheerful all the time and he then RESENTED me for being happy and enjoying my life. If anything his neglect of his new ‘hot young wife’ got worse. He pretty much refused to go anywhere with me or the children and punished me for doing things without him , in a way only a PA man can. You can’t win with these men. They don’t want you to be happy. Of that, I am 100% certain. Nobody missed him after a while, either. These men make their presence so absent they may as well not even be there, when they are there. Who could miss that?
Bronze….how did you do it for 10 years?? I can’t fake happiness for 1 day…how’d you do it for that long??
What he sees is what he gets…a wife who does my own thing now…and I don’t talk to him unless I have to…and he seems ok with that.
I didn’t fake happiness for ten years. At around the tenth wedding anniversary, I decided to get happy because of how bad our marriage was and I assumed it had something to do with me. So, I did get happy and no it didn’t work. Because he just became more resentful. That lasted for a few years (but our marriage was still bad) and then I just gave up, our marriage lasted another 7-10 if you count the last three of faux back and forth reconciliation attempts that always ended in abuse (PA or otherwise). Mine seemed ok with me doing my own thing too – but really his isn’t and sooner or later you will know that. He will then blame you for the state of your marriage because ‘you left him out’ or some other reason. Also, I found him being happy I didn’t interact with him or have expectations, really hurt me on a soul level. I couldn’t live with that level of disinterest in me as a person ever again.
You are right, he doesn’t care if you are happy or not, he just wants you to forget all the bad things he’s ever done to you and be a good wife. That would make HIM happy. If what would really make you happy is to take the boys and run, I say go for it.
Marsocmom…I can’t…not yet…My youngest son has anxiety issues that I’m afraid will become worse if I leave or if I make PA Man leave.
Son #4 doesn’t see his dads PA behavior…and I’ve become really good at not letting him see MY anger and loneliness….so he seems content and the anxiety and OCD have improved A LOT in the last several weeks.
Trust me, seeing your son hit his head repeatedly against the wall and saying he can’t stop it, that he HAS to do it, is a very scary thing to see….something I never want to experience again, so I stay….for now!
When #4 is a little older, when he’s matured a bit more, can handle his anxiety….THEN I can make the changes I need to make.
But for now, my son comes first…because my boys are all I have! 🙂
I totally understand, you are a very strong person and a dedicated mom! I hope things only get better for you as time goes on.
I have to say I’m grateful to have stumbled on to your blog and realize there are other women who live in a crazy marriage that most women don’t understand. Because the undertones of what is really going on with the PA’s actions isn’t readily detectable to an untrained eye. I feel like I am in a special club that I never signed up for but am now a card carrying member nonetheless. Lonely – thank you for letting us know we are not alone!
Hey RockyRoad….yes, we are NOT alone! It’s sad to see how many women are married to these men, who in MY opinion, should have NEVER married in the first place!!
PA Men are the guys who should state single, the “players” that we hear so much about!
I’m finding that I’m being VERY selective with who I talk to and who I tell about my life with PA Man…because if you don’t live it, you don’t understand it!!
Interesting that hubby told me the reason he stopped having affairs was bc I changed. I was no longer arguing with him, not holding on to things (sounds familiar), loved him more…..I asked him if maybe it could be that HE stopped having affairs that I changed?! I no longer felt that he was cheating, so I COULD let things go, not argue, & opened my heart more to him. He did go to a counseling session that he made an appt for himself. I’m glad he’s getting counseling, if for nothing else but to ensure his future relationships are successful. As for me, I’m still trying to wrap my head around being married to a man who’s only been faithful, 17 of our 22 years.
I’m sorry I meant he’s been FAITHFUL the last 6 out of 22 years!
UKB…sorry, I’m just seeing your response…wow! How do you stay with him, a repeat cheater?
Is your husband PA?? Has he continued counseling? How are things going now??
Even if they do attempt change, unfortunately, it doesn’t last because they cannot truly change. Will they improve, sure if they want to. But PA men choose to be the way that they are. Here’s a great link to abuse that everyone who has even been in contact with a such person should read because passive-aggressiveness or covert-aggressiveness is just that: abuse. http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/domesticviolence/tactics_of_abusive_men.htm – There are other resources on there that are incredible. It doesn’t say anything about passive aggressiveness but it speaks volumes about emotional / mental abuse and in my mind, it’s the same if not worse than physical abuse.
New shoes, I agree! I’ve read several articles that say even if a PA gets counseling, eventually, when they stop, they will revert right back to their PA behavior!
It’s so ingrained in them, it’s who they are….so either we learn to deal with it. Or leave.
Right now, I’m staying put….a few years down the road…who knows? I’ll decide then….right now, aside from the emotional loneliness, I’m doing ok.
PA Man isn’t a “mean” PA…it doesn’t seem like he goes out of his way to make me unhappy, or to sabotage me, only when it comes to emotional support…so for now, I can deal with it 🙂