Because Everybody Loves To Laugh!!

I LOVE the TV show, Everybody Loves Raymond…PA Man and I watch it all the time and it really makes me laugh, and we all know, laughter is like good medicine!

So anyway when I saw this particular show, I KNEW I had to find it and post it here!

Its 22 mins long, so relax and enjoy! Oh, and BTW, PA Man and Raymond could be brothers! They look soooo much alike!! Seriously! Except PA Man is now a little thinner on top, but years ago, EVERYONE commented on how much he looked like Ray Barone!!

I love the scene in the therapists office….how many of US have experienced that exact same thing??  Mr. Passive Aggressive disappears, and Mr. Good Guy arrives on the scene!!

And the comment about Ray wanting to be married to his mother?? Oh my word! How classic is that, since it’s pretty well known that PAs have severe mommy issues!! LOL!

Anyway, get a drink in hand and enjoy!!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a00N_yvwqmQ

 

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He Wants Me To Be HAPPY!

So PA Man told me he wants me to be happy. Isn’t that wonderful??

Well, it’s not what you’re thinking…he basically wants me to stop talking about the affair,  stop being mean all the time, HIS words, not mine, and to be happy, because I NEVER seem happy anymore!!

Oh, OK. So I have my orders! I have to be happy, happy, happy, because that makes HIM feel better….who cares what I feel, right??

Who cares that 3 1/2 years after the affair, I’m still having triggers, I STILL don’t trust him, I still wonder what other secrets he might be hiding….I’m to be HAPPY and stop being so mean!!

Who cares that he’s passive aggressive and won’t do anything about it….who cares that his boys don’t miss him at all when he’s gone on week long business trips….and neither do I!

Who cares?? As long as PA Man is happy…that’s all that matters!

PA Man threw me crumbs this weekend…..and I gobbled them up, like a fool. Well, after our conversation yesterday, that won’t be happening again.

I now know how he truly feels about me. And I will remember. I’m a mean, unhappy person, who never lets anything go….meaning the affair…and he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore.

He says he’s sorry, but he’s not. I know this. I’ve known it for awhile…..true, genuine remorse means change….and PA Man hasn’t changed at all….He’s still a selfish man-child….and I’m now wondering if I’ve done more harm to myself and my boys by staying and trying to fix this marriage….when, in fact, I should have made him leave after Dday.

 

I need to read this EVERY day…as a reminder!

So, how best to cope with a passive aggressive….

1. If you ask “What is wrong?” in response to a period of pronounced sighing or sulking and the answer is “Oh, nothing,” simply say, “Okay”. This is making the PA responsible for their own responses. In time it may make them actually admit that they are angry, and valuable progress may be made. As a bonus, you, as the potential victim, will not get sucked in to yet another round of Question and Answer Time, where you will ultimately lose.

2. Be direct and assertive yourself. If you are angry, say so. If you are disappointed with a passive-aggressive, let them know. Do not be sidetracked into using their language of vagueness and non-assertiveness. Insist on the language of reality.

3. Do not enter into a battle with a PA; once you have done so, you have lost the war. The only person you can change in this situation is yourself, so you must approach each potential “battle” by suspending your own beliefs about the way your relationship with this person “should” be. You must accept that it is not going to be the way it “should be.” Easy to say, hard to do, but necessary for your own mental health.

4. Observe their actions, not their words. Although they genuinely believe they do everything for other’s interest and not their own, their actions speak louder than their words. Do not take their sugary platitudes at face value, it is only their actions that you should take note of.

5. Always give lots of positive feedback. As PA’s crave love, when they do genuinely perform well, heap praise on them. Technically this is a form of counter-manipulation, but honest praise is still honest praise.

6.  Avoid criticism. This will only elicit an endless stream of explanations, rather than what you want: an apology. Nor will there be any behavior changes. Accept that apologies or personality changes are almost impossible to come by with a person with this affliction.

7. Do not waste your time attempting to explain to the PA why their behavior is in error. It’s easy to believe that at some point you will get through to this person and they will experience the “Ah-ha!” phenomenon, and all will be well. This is particularly the case with people who are themselves very rational and logical. This process cannot work with the PA.

8.  If you can’t control your temper, avoid interacting with a PA. Your temper will be interpreted by them as further evidence of your abuse towards them, and further justify their own position as innocent martyr. Under these circumstances, it is better to keep your distance.

 

3, 4, 7 and 8….I need to work on those! What about you?? Which ones do you need to work on?

He wants his cake!

Here’s the definition of a “cake eater.”

” Cake eaters act vague. They need time, they appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.”

I actually got this from the Chump Lady blog, and it’s pertains to cheaters….but I also thought it describes PAs very well….

And so I can say, Yep, PA Man wants his cake for sure! He wants me to overlook his emotional affair, he wants me to overlook the various text messages from other women and other weird things that have happened since Dday, he wants me to overlook his PA behavior….and when I don’t do that, he goes silent on me for hours…then acts like nothing happened, and then when I don’t go along with that “plan” he gets very defensive and accuses me of trying to start trouble, and then comes  “I can’t do ANYTHING right, NOTHING I do makes you happy…so why do I even try!!”

UGH! I’m sooo over it!

Today PA Man said he doesn’t like living this way….this way meaning no sex or affection…yada, yada, yada, I’ve heard that one before….oh wait, I’ve heard that several times now over the last few years, and I believed him….then! HA! Not anymore!

As I told him, “IF you don’t like living this way, then why haven’t I seen you change how you treat me, why haven’t you stayed in counseling, why haven’t you read ANY books or articles on PA behavior, etc…” To which he replied, “I have changed, I listen to you now!”

Oh, ok. And not 5 mins later, he throws his head back in frustration and heaves a HUGE sigh,  gets out of the car, and walks into the store, leaving me in his dust, because I didn’t agree with him on “The Big Change”….Hmmmm…Ok, yes, I see the change…right. Got it!!

We.Cannot.Talk.To.Each.Other.At.All

No one understands….

So I’m a bit disappointed….My good friend, L,  called today, I’ve known her for over 35 yrs, and she knows all about me and PA Man and the issues we have…

Anyway, she has an ex that cheated on her, so of  course I confided in her  when I found out about PA Man and the Cow…

BUT things changed when she came for a visit several months ago…PA Man was his usual funny, charming self….and since then, I’ve noticed she goes quiet when I talk to her about PA Man and how lonely I feel….and lately, she’s taken to defending him!!

Today, when I was telling her about our recent trip away and how disappointed I was that we didn’t connect emotionally  and the long silences between us….She started DEFENDING PA Man!!

She said things like “Well, he’s a man, and you know how men can be.” Or “Maybe you’re expecting too much from him.”

She said more, defending him, but I won’t bore you…because if you’re here reading this you KNOW how it is living with a PA!! And my friend doesn’t want to hear about it!

But her life is pretty good right now, the ex has been gone for years, she’s raising her three older kids by herself, has a great job….why would she want to hear about MY life…I guess I don’t blame her…it’s pretty boring and depressing, isn’t it?

And now….I have no one. No one to talk to. Well, I have this blog, and my sweet online friend, Paula. But anyone here where I can talk face to face, who cares about me? No.

I’m just a bit hurt and soooo disappointed!! Am I to hard on him? Am I expecting too much? Should I just shut my mouth and not expect anything from PA Man, let him ignore me for days on end when I try to reach out to him??

We’ve been back 5 days now…and he hasn’t once asked me why I’m so quiet, why I’m not talking…the only time I’ve talked to him is when it’s necessary….and he doesn’t seem to care!

He came home from work a while ago, asked how my day was, I said “Fine” And he then asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner!

I felt like screaming “YES, I’d love to go out to dinner, but I want to go with someone who will TALK to me about our LIFE!!! NOT your work, not the orders that have come in this week, not the lives of the other employees!!”

But I said “No, thank you.” And now he’s laying on the couch, fast asleep…..at 6:30 in the evening. And it’s a Friday, and he’s going out of town on Monday.

Well, I guess I’ll go have a good cry, release some of my frustration, then go plant the flowers I bought today.

Have a good weekend.