I need to read this EVERY day…as a reminder!

So, how best to cope with a passive aggressive….

1. If you ask “What is wrong?” in response to a period of pronounced sighing or sulking and the answer is “Oh, nothing,” simply say, “Okay”. This is making the PA responsible for their own responses. In time it may make them actually admit that they are angry, and valuable progress may be made. As a bonus, you, as the potential victim, will not get sucked in to yet another round of Question and Answer Time, where you will ultimately lose.

2. Be direct and assertive yourself. If you are angry, say so. If you are disappointed with a passive-aggressive, let them know. Do not be sidetracked into using their language of vagueness and non-assertiveness. Insist on the language of reality.

3. Do not enter into a battle with a PA; once you have done so, you have lost the war. The only person you can change in this situation is yourself, so you must approach each potential “battle” by suspending your own beliefs about the way your relationship with this person “should” be. You must accept that it is not going to be the way it “should be.” Easy to say, hard to do, but necessary for your own mental health.

4. Observe their actions, not their words. Although they genuinely believe they do everything for other’s interest and not their own, their actions speak louder than their words. Do not take their sugary platitudes at face value, it is only their actions that you should take note of.

5. Always give lots of positive feedback. As PA’s crave love, when they do genuinely perform well, heap praise on them. Technically this is a form of counter-manipulation, but honest praise is still honest praise.

6.  Avoid criticism. This will only elicit an endless stream of explanations, rather than what you want: an apology. Nor will there be any behavior changes. Accept that apologies or personality changes are almost impossible to come by with a person with this affliction.

7. Do not waste your time attempting to explain to the PA why their behavior is in error. It’s easy to believe that at some point you will get through to this person and they will experience the “Ah-ha!” phenomenon, and all will be well. This is particularly the case with people who are themselves very rational and logical. This process cannot work with the PA.

8.  If you can’t control your temper, avoid interacting with a PA. Your temper will be interpreted by them as further evidence of your abuse towards them, and further justify their own position as innocent martyr. Under these circumstances, it is better to keep your distance.


3, 4, 7 and 8….I need to work on those! What about you?? Which ones do you need to work on?


2 thoughts on “I need to read this EVERY day…as a reminder!

  1. I need to work on number 2 and number 5. I do tell him how he make me feel about his actions sometimes but not enough. Knowing that he don’t care make it harder for me to do so. Number 7 is I find it very hard to praise him for things he does get right is because at this point I can care less if he does something right or not, the PA behavior seems to overcome the right that I think he did. For example: he will ask me to go to dinner, I’ll go with him, I’ll actually have a very nice time. Then, at the end of the dinner, he will destroy that perceived nice time by making mean comments and then start sulking.

    • Married…I’m sorry, but I can’t do #5….I’m so hurt by his affair and the way he treats me….I can’t be his cheerleader! I tried that for the first year after DDay…and it got me NO where!!
      And maybe I’m setting myself up for another betrayal….but you know what, like my therapist told me, “At least you will KNOW that this is the life he has chosen for himself, and THEN you get to make the decisions for YOUR life!!”
      And it’s true….I’ll stick with this marriage for as long as possible, but if he cheats again…he’s outta here! I ain’t got no time for that CRAP ever again!!
      And you know what…if he’s THAT shallow that he needs me to “heap praise on him” after the way he’s treated me? Well, then too bad! He needs to pull up his big boy pants and get over it!
      He can’t treat me the way he does…and expect praise heaped on him….not happening!!

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