We don’t talk. Not about us, about our marriage and about my needs. Nothing. I’ve tried twice in the last four days….nothing. He clams up. Goes into silent mode. Gets angry.
We are Christians, and in saying that, the Bible, Gods word, has a special significance to us.
So in the past, when the kids were younger, if we had a dispute about something, and I wasn’t quite sure who was telling the truth or who was lying, I’d get out the bible and tell them to put their hand on it, and swear before God that they were telling the truth…and it worked every time! LOL!
So now, because of the affair and because he’s PA, I’ve actually had to do that with PA Man…get out my bible and have him swear that he’s telling the truth….because at times, I just can’t tell, and my gut was roaring at me!!
So two nights ago, I tried once again, optimistic fool that I am, to talk to PA Man about us and the state of our marriage…got me nowhere of course.
What it did get me was a bunch of lies…and anger. A sullen, silent, deep sighing, whoa is me type of anger!
So when PA Man sat down to eat his dinner, I sat next to him, and said “Look, I know you’re angry, can we talk about this?”
I was very calm, and spoke softly, just wanting him to open up…nope, he’s not having it! “I’m not angry, I’m just tired.” Bonk!!! LIE!!!
So I try again, “PA Man, I know you’re angry, this is PA behavior…deny your anger and keep it buried inside, come on, you can be honest with me, lets talk.” Still in a soft calm voice….Again, denial of the anger.
So I got up, got my bible, put it on the table, and said “Ok, you’re not angry, you’re not upset with me for trying to talk to you about our relationship…put your hand on the bible and swear to it!”
He wouldn’t do it. He said that it was stupid, he said he wasn’t angry and I had to believe him, he said that the bible proves nothing.
So I looked at him and said “Well then, just humor me, and put your hand on the bible and swear before God that you’re not angry with me, that you’re ok with me trying to talk to you earlier.”
And he smirked and then said “Ok, I’m not ANGRY…I’m frustrated right now.”
Ahhhh…now we’re getting somewhere! So he’s frustrated, but not angry…okkkkk???
He then, in perfect passive aggressive style, turned it back on me saying “Well, you get angry too!”
But I was ready for that one, since he does it quite often…it’s called deflecting…so I told him, “Yes, I do, but this isn’t about me, this is about you burying your anger and not being honest about it! You know when I’m angry, I don’t hide it.”
So anyway, it went back and forth a few times….and he never once touched that bible.
I guess the moral of this story is if I want the truth….get out my bible. For right how, he seems to fear God….but how long will that last?
He’s in bondage to his sin, the sin of Passive Aggression. And he obviously doesn’t want out….he’s comfortable there.
Well, as time goes by, my eyes are opening, and I’m finding that I’M not comfortable living with a man that lies…so my thinking about saving this marriage is changing a bit.
My youngest child is 14 1/2 if I can make it for just another few years….we will see.
But I don’t trust my husband…..so how do I live this way?
Can I live this way??
I’m trying to be patient….we are selling our house in the next several months…We want to buy a small farm and if I can wait til then, that will be better for me in the long run.
I’m planning on having a huge organic garden so that I can feed us and also sell the extra produce, and a lot more chickens ( I have several right now and sell the eggs to family and friends) and fruit trees….I know I could make the farm turn a small profit for me and my boys….enough to get us by, with child support and alimony.
Plus my older two boys are wanting a small farm soooo badly, son#3 is really good with the small animals we do have, chickens and ducks, and son #2 loves to help me in my garden, so it would be perfect for us.
So that plan is at the back on my mind. It’s sad….because all the plans in my head, don’t include my husband.
But instead of guilt, I need to remember, I have tried EVERYTHING I can.
Monday night I sat on our back deck and cried….I told God I can’t do this anymore…that I can’t talk to him…and I don’t trust him.
I know God heard me. I saw a falling star, how cool was that? 🙂