We don’t talk.

We don’t talk. Not about us, about our marriage and about my needs. Nothing. I’ve tried twice in the last four days….nothing. He clams up. Goes into silent mode. Gets angry.

We are Christians, and in saying that, the Bible, Gods word, has a special significance to us.

So in the past, when the kids were younger, if we had a dispute about something, and I wasn’t quite sure who was telling the truth or who was  lying, I’d get out the bible and tell them to put their hand on it, and swear before God that they were telling the truth…and it worked every time! LOL!

So now, because of the affair and because he’s PA, I’ve actually had to do that with PA Man…get out my bible and have him swear that he’s telling the truth….because at times, I just can’t tell, and my gut was roaring at me!!

So two nights ago, I tried once again, optimistic fool that I am, to talk to PA Man about us and the state of our marriage…got me nowhere of course.

What it did get me was a bunch of lies…and anger. A sullen, silent, deep sighing, whoa is me type of anger!

 

So when PA Man sat down to eat his dinner, I sat next to him, and said “Look, I know you’re angry, can we talk about this?”

I was very calm, and spoke softly, just wanting him to open up…nope, he’s not having it! “I’m not angry, I’m just tired.” Bonk!!! LIE!!!

So I try again, “PA Man, I know you’re angry, this is PA behavior…deny your anger and keep it buried inside, come on, you can be honest with me, lets talk.” Still in a soft calm voice….Again, denial of the anger.

So I got up, got my bible, put it on the table, and said “Ok, you’re not angry, you’re not upset with me for trying to talk to you about our relationship…put your hand on the bible and swear to it!”

He wouldn’t do it. He said that it was stupid, he said he wasn’t angry and I had to believe him, he said that the bible proves nothing.

So I looked at him and said “Well then, just humor me, and put your hand on the bible and swear before God that you’re not angry with me, that you’re ok with me trying to talk to you earlier.”

And he smirked and then said “Ok, I’m not ANGRY…I’m frustrated right now.”

Ahhhh…now we’re getting somewhere! So he’s frustrated, but not angry…okkkkk???

He then, in perfect passive aggressive style,  turned it back on me saying “Well, you get angry too!”

But I was ready for that one, since he does it quite often…it’s called deflecting…so I told him, “Yes, I do, but this isn’t about me, this is about you burying your anger and not being honest about it! You know when I’m angry, I don’t hide it.”

So anyway, it went back and forth a few times….and he never once touched that bible.

I guess the moral of this story is if I want the truth….get out my bible. For right how, he seems to fear God….but how long will that last?

He’s in bondage to his sin, the sin of Passive Aggression. And he obviously doesn’t want out….he’s comfortable there.

Well, as time goes by, my eyes are opening, and I’m finding that I’M not comfortable living with a man that lies…so my thinking about saving this marriage is changing a bit.

My youngest child is 14 1/2 if I can make it for just another few years….we will see.

But I don’t trust my husband…..so how do I live this way?

Can I live this way??

I’m trying to be patient….we are selling our house in the next several months…We want to buy a small farm and if I can wait til then, that will be better for me in the long run.

I’m  planning on having a huge organic garden so that I can feed us and also sell the extra produce, and a lot more chickens ( I have several right now and sell the eggs to family and friends) and fruit trees….I know I could make the farm turn a small profit for me and my boys….enough to get us by, with child support and alimony.

Plus my older two boys are wanting a small farm soooo badly, son#3 is really good with the small animals we do have, chickens and ducks, and son #2 loves to help me in my garden, so it would be perfect for us.

So that plan is at the back on my mind. It’s sad….because all the plans in my head, don’t include my husband.

But instead of guilt, I need to remember, I have tried EVERYTHING I can.

Monday night I sat on our back deck and cried….I told God I can’t do this anymore…that I can’t talk to him…and I don’t trust him.

I know God heard me. I saw a falling star, how cool was that? 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

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Music Monday

 

Without my praise and worship music, I don’t know how I would have made it the last three years, since finding out my husband had an emotional affair, and then discovering he’s passive aggressive.

Praise and worship music brings me closer to God, and the words help me feel that I’m not alone…that God knows and understands exactly how I feel.

I hope you enjoy this first song by Plumb 🙂

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

Empathy for others, yes….me…not so much!

UGHHHH!!! I’m sooo frustrated right now! Imagine dealing with an argumentative teenager for the rest of your life!

That’s what its like when you’re dealing with a PA husband!

Yesterday, as church was ending, my daughter in law didn’t feel well, so my son went to get their car, which was parked in the far parking lot…PA Man stayed with our DIL, I left to go get her a bottle of water, and a cool cloth for her head.

So PA Man is sitting with our DIL, and her friend, her young, pretty friend….I like W, she’s a sweet girl, and she has no family here in our town…we’ve invited her to go out to eat with us after church several times…in fact, we had just gone out to dinner on Friday night after a special Good Friday service at church and she went with us!

BUT without asking me, PA Man invited W over for lunch!! He said he felt bad for her, being all alone on Easter!

And yes, I felt bad for her also, but my house was NOT ready for guests…my mother was here for the weekend, and we’d been shopping all day Saturday, then cooking Easter dinner Saturday evening….so no real house cleaning had gotten done.

Well thank goodness W already had plans, otherwise it would have been a mad race to get home and vacuum the downstairs area, throw dishes in the dishwasher, and make sure the downstairs bathroom was not a mess…

So as we are leaving church, I ask PA Man why he invited W without checking with me first and that’s when he said he felt sorry for her, and didn’t want her to spend Easter alone.

So. He has empathy for this young college student. And I’m glad, I really am. At least he showed some empathy for someone….I just wish it had been me.

I don’t get empathy…I get anger…rolling of the eyes….deep sighs.

Yea…empathy would be nice!

It would be great if he could understand how I feel when he shows empathy to another woman….liked he showed to the Cow…oh yea…he felt bad for her and her “terrible marriage”…right! Even gave her marriage advice, wasn’t that sweet of him??

I dunno…he’s PA…and he made several comments about the house not being clean last week…so maybe that was his way of sticking it to me???

Try to embarrass me maybe? I dunno! And that’s what sucks about being married to a PA Man….you are always second guessing yourself…always. :/

 

 

 

Panic attacks and pancakes…

Last Thursday I had a panic attack. If you’ve never had one, consider yourself blessed!

If you have had panic attacks, you know how debilitating it can be.

It’s truly one of the most out of control feelings in the world!

I only slept about 3 hours on Wed. night, woke up, and that’s when the shaky, out of control feelings started…crying, stomach in knots, choking feeling in my throat….ugh!

I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day, so thankful my boys are older and could care for themselves…unlike the last time I suffered from panic attacks, when they were 4 and 2 yrs old!

PA Man came home, and I will admit, he was really nice and seemed very concerned. And I’ll admit I wasn’t very nice to him…After all, I DO blame him because of his affair and also his PA behavior….I told him,  with tears running down my face, hair all over the place….that I was tired of all this crap!

That he needs to change his behavior, that I won’t let him ruin my health!

He listened, admitted that he doesn’t do what he needs to do as a husband and father, and said he knows he has to do better….so we shall see.

By this time, it was after 8pm, and I since I hadn’t cooked supper, PA Man went downstairs and made pancakes for himself and the boys.

He never came up and offered me any, which I thought was rather strange, LOL, but not totally unexpected. It didn’t really matter, because my stomach wouldn’t let me eat anyway…but still, it would have been nice if he’d offered.

I had texted several friends earlier in the day, explaining about the panic attack, and asked them to pray, and I’m happy to say that I slept all night long, and the next morning I woke up feeling rested, and no anxiety!

I had on praise music all day and it really does help me to focus on God, and not my problems, most of the time.

Anyway, today is Monday, I had a great weekend…and I’m moving forward! PA Man seemed more open and we had a couple good conversations so that made me happy 🙂

 

Not Important Enough

It’s been one of those days around the ‘ol passive aggressive hacienda…

I made the mistake of trying to talk to PA Man about the triggers I’ve been having….

Triggers, for those of you who don’t know, are what happens when your spouse has been unfaithful. They are the devil to deal with! Straight from the pit of hell!

When I have a triggers it makes my stomach clinch in nervous spasms and I want to sit down and cry my eyes out like a 2 yr old!!! Oh the joys of infidelity!!

So today was a trigger day because I looked at our checking account and I saw where my husband had spent some money at Cracker Barrel while he was on a business trip….I knew he’d spent the money, since he brought home a small gift for me…and yes, wasn’t that nice of him to think of me like that….and I’m sure I’ll hear about it for the next few weeks….except the money he spent was more than the gift should have cost….and of course, when questioned, he was VERY surprised and said “No, I didn’t spend that much!”  (Of course not Darling, the bank AND Cracker Barrel both made a mistake!! :o)

Well, according to our bank statement….he did! And of course, Mr. Always Puts The Receipt in His Wallet When Shopping….didn’t have the receipt so that sent me into trigger land!!

And then it starts…”Why don’t you ever believe me? I told you I’d never cheat again” and then, “I’ll dig through the trash and find that receipt, it must be in the bag from Cracker Barrel” BTW, I’m still waiting for him to do that! HA!

Anyway, this led to me telling him that IF I had been important enough, IF he truly loved me like he says he does, he WOULD have done the work to heal our marriage!!

IF I were important enough, he would go back to counseling ( he’s quit three times) and learn how to better manage his PA behavior and figure out why he cheated on me!

IF I were truly important enough, he would put aside his own fears and insecurities and help me deal with MY fears and insecurities….that he helped create!

IF he was as thankful to have me in his life as he says he is…he’d show it…instead of retreating upstairs…with a headache! I swear he has more headaches than a middle aged wife dodging sex!!

Bottom line…I AM JUST NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH!!!

 

 

What does it really mean to be Passive Aggressive….

 

 
Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on – hence the term “Passive-Aggressive”.

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behaviour that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties.

It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, depend

Some examples of passive aggression might be:

Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss

Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly

Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand

Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones

Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change

Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something

Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations

Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.

Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations

Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way

Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship

Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not doing things

Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one

Self-Pity the poor me scenario

Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party

 

Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

In being passive aggressive you are not giving yourself or others an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel

When on the receiving end of passive aggression, you can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated. You may think you’ve done something wrong, but have no clear idea what it was

It avoids communication in a very negative way

It creates insecurity in all parties

It creates a bad atmosphere between people

It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues

It avoids the real issues

It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way

 

So there you have it….Passive Aggressive behavior in a nutshell!

 

Discovering my husband Is PA

You would think, after being married for 25 yrs, that I would have known that my H (husband) is Passive Aggressive!

But that wasn’t the case! I only discovered the reality of the life I had been living after my H decided to have an Emotional Affair (EA) with a cow…Ok, sorry, I know I just offended cows across the land! My bad!

The OW (other woman) isn’t really a cow…that’s just my name for her, as her backside does slightly resemble one! 😉

Anyway, this blog isn’t really about her, it’s about my husband, lets call him PA Man…Anyway, after I discovered the EA, PA Man wouldn’t really answer my questions, he lied repeatedly to “protect me” and that hurt almost as much as the affair….I wanted answers to why, after 25 yrs of marriage, he would jeopardize all that we had built together!

So fast forward to Jan. 2013 and a dear friend who I met online, her H had also had an EA, asked me a question that changed my life!

N asked me, after I was telling her about PA MAN and his refusal to answer my questions, his refusing to go to couples counseling, promising he’d read articles and books on affair recovery and then making excuses about why he couldn’t/wouldn’t….his eyes hurt, he was tired, he’s heard it all from me anyway, etc….if you’re here, reading this…you KNOW what I’m talking about!!

So N asks, “Is your H Passive Aggressive??” I was silent for a moment, then said “I don’t know…what’s Passive Aggressive?”

Her answer rocked my world and that’s when I learned exactly why my marriage wasn’t what I wanted it to be….why my H had the affair and refused to help me heal from it…He IS Passive Aggressive!!

I went online and read and read and read…as tears poured down my face!! FINALLY I had an answer! And it scared me!! I couldn’t find anything positive about having a successful marriage with a passive aggressive!!

What I did find was that it wasn’t MY fault that for over 25 years I felt like I didn’t matter to my H….all those years of feeling that it was my fault because I wasn’t happy…all those years of wondering why I felt lonely, even though I was married…all those many, many times of feeling abandoned, knowing I couldn’t depend on him to be there for me!

MY HUSBAND IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!!

But how could he be?? He’s soooo charming! Everyone likes him!! My friends all envy me because we have such a great marriage!! He SPOILS me! (That’s one of his fave things he says to me!! )

And then there’s this one….He’s a Christian and a Deacon in our church!! ~Gasp~

But there it was, in black and white…I am the wife of a Passive Aggressive man.

As I write this blog, it’s for me. I need an outlet. No one is reading what I write…for now. I’m hoping in the future that others will discover my blog, others like me who are searching, hoping to find someone that truly understands how hard it is, how horribly frustrating it is to live with a PA spouse….So when you find this….Welcome….I hope you now know you’re not alone.  🙂