I Feel Free.

Autumn is my favorite time of the year…I love the colors, cooler weather, boots and scarves, pumpkins and the FOOD…I love cooking soups and stews, chili, Apple and Pumpkin desserts…I have some butternut Squash cooking in the oven right now, and will be making a copycat recipe of Panera’s Autumn Squash soup tomorrow! 🙂 I’m on a quest to find the exact recipe because it’s one of my favorite Autumn soups! Wish me luck! 🙂

So my life has been…ahem…interesting… the last few weeks.

PA Man and I separated briefly…I THOUGHT it was for good, but after 2 weeks he decided he was moving back home! Bummer!

He’s obviously been talking to his family…the same family that has all but abandoned him for the last 30 yrs…OR his latest woman “friend”…whatev. He told me that it’s HIS home too, and he has every right to live here!

He had his birthday while he was living in the hotel…and not one of our sons called and wished him a Happy Birthday….I left it up to them to handle it the way they wanted, and I thought it was VERY telling that they didn’t care enough to call him on his birthday. He is now facing the consenquences of his actions.

I find it really strange that he moved back home because all I’ve heard from him for MONTHS is that he wants to be away from me…that he wants PEACE and to be left alone…so I gave him his freedom…I told him to move out, to go to a hotel until he can find an apt. It lasted all of two weeks.

He says we can’t afford to separate…and while I agree, things WILL be tight, it IS doable…if we are careful. But nope. He moved back home last Friday…and I ended up in the ER! HA!

I had a severe allergic reaction…anaphylaxis…the first time ever! My mom said maybe I’m allergic to PA Man! LOL! My daughter in law said maybe it was stressed induced! All I know is that I was wheezing, and coughing, my throat was sore, and my eyes swelled up so I could hardly see!

Anyway, Pa Man was a TOTAL jerk about it all…he was more worried about how much it was going to cost then about ME. I don’t know WHY I  was surprised?? UGH!

I KNOW PA Man has no empathy for anyone other than himself….but walking out of the ER and getting in his truck, leaving me to stumble across the parking lot…eyes still swelled halfway shut…really hit me hard!!

This man has NO concern for anyone but himself…and I saw that very clearly last Friday! His callous behavior hurt…BUT it also set me free because any lingering doubts about divorce…flew right out the window! I am now fully detached from him and this marriage! Yay me!

My sons and I talked last weekend and we are going to live OUR lives, enjoying the upcoming holidays,  in spite of PA Man living here again…thank goodness he’s flying home to visit his family for a week at Thanksgiving…I strongly encouraged that, and even told him to stay an extra day or two! LOL!

I’m feeling very positive right now…I’ve been wondering what detachment feels like…and now I know.

I can live my life, doing what I enjoy, and I don’t care about PA Man and what HE is doing…who he’s texting, calling, etc. I Am Free. And it’s a wonderful feeling.

I hope you all are doing well…and enjoying the Fall season! God bless y’all!

 

 

 

 

 

I’m getting divorced.

Yes, it’s true. My H and I are ending the marriage. Almost 31 years thrown away, because he couldn’t/wouldn’t work with me to fix what’s broken.

He’s now involved with someone else…deleted text messages from numbers that are non-voip numbers…anonymous, non traceable and when you call the number, it’s  out of service, and OF COURSE he has NO idea how the deleted text messages got on his phone! Go figure!!

There are other things that he’s hiding…charges on his credit card…he denies the charges….OF COURSE!!!! I recently found out about a secret bank account with $1,800.00 in it….he is a liar and a cheat. And I deserve better.

He’s had a chance to fix himself…and he’s obviously content with who he is, so that’s it. I’m done.

My children and I are doing well, considering. I’m so thankful that they are all older, and they see their dad for what he truly is. A liar and a cheat.

So that’s my news…. It’s been a hard 5 1/2 yrs since I found out about the affair, and the emotional abuse has been really hard to deal with.

I’m doing good… I’m involved in a support group that has helped me so much and I have several friends who are so encouraging to me, and are always there when I need them.

Divorce is NOT what I wanted….but living with a passive aggressive, cheating husband is not how I want to spend the rest of my life, and since he refuses to change…..it’s what has to happen.

I hope you’re all doing well….and here’s a small piece of advice…..If you’re married to a PA man….or a cheater….and he’s just stringing you along…get out. Don’t waste anymore of your time on him.

YOU are worth more then that!!!

 

 

My life right now…

A friend mentioned to me recently that she thinks I might be a bit depressed…and I think I agree.
Not a life threatening type of depression…more of a feeling of being stuck, and not being able to see past it.

I went to see an attorney a few months ago, just to see what my options are and she was NO help at all….in fact, I wanted to just get up and walk out because she made me feel very foolish!
It really hit me that people who don’t live in abusive situations just DO NOT get it!
So I think it was after that, that’s when I got a little depressed…instead of being a shining light of escape…the attorney basically told me to suck it up, because if I divorced PA Man, I’d be the financial loser in the divorce!
Honestly though, I already knew this…but to just have it thrown in my face…yeah, that stung just a bit!
When I explained abut PA Mans emotional affair, I could tell she thought I was a fool for staying…or maybe she thought I was making something out of nothing? Who knows! I do know that this attorney handles some really abusive divorces..so maybe she thought mine was “peanuts” compared to others?
PA Man has a really good income and I’ve been a SAHM for over 30 yrs…so for me to go out on my own, yes, I would take a HUGE financial hit, and to be quite honest, that scares the heck outta me!
My sister divorced her husband 5 yrs ago, and she had a really good job…and it’s been a struggle for her ever since, so seeing that firsthand is scary.
So all of this really got me feeling down, feeling like I have NO hope…until yesterday.
My second oldest son and I were talking….he lives at home right now, but he’s hoping to find a few acres this year and build a log cabin on it, and as we were discussing what the attorney had told me, and that I feel stuck, he said, “Mom, I plan to have a home big enough that if you need to move there, with my brothers, you can.”
My heart melted! I AM so blessed that my son cares enough about me, and that he’s thinking ahead! 🙂
Then he told me that he’s sure he could get me hired on at his company, doing sales, and that his boss, who is a really great guy, and I get along with really well, is always looking for outgoing people to work for him, and that I’d fit in perfectly, with my personality. And you know what….he’s right!
I DO have a VERY outgoing personality…I’m the type of person who can talk to a perfect stranger like I’ve known them for years….it use to amaze my sister how I could do that! LOL!
So heck yeah…I can do that! It made me so excited to know that IF PA Man and I do separate…I have options. I’m not able to work right now….I have younger child who is autistic, and changes in his routine don’t go over well, but as he gets older, as he’s maturing, I’m seeing a bit more independence in him, so that is good 🙂 In the meantime, I’ve started a at home business to help me save some money for an uncertain future!
For right now…things are OK with PA Man and myself for the most part.
He’s traveling A LOT, and I’m sooo grateful for that, but when he is home, he’s a bit moody…or grumpy as my youngest always says…but I only see him a few hours each day, because he’s working, then home for a nap, then he’s in bed by 9:30…the weekends are the hardest, he’s home ALL day…but I now wait until Saturday to do my shopping, so I’m gone for a few hours, so that helps. 🙂

Overall, I’m feeling more optimistic right now…I DO have options! 🙂
I’m still going to try natural alternatives versus depression drugs…anyone reading this have any advice on natural herbs for depression? Just let me know 🙂

It’s like a slow, dripping poison.

UGH! I’ve been ignoring my blog…and I hate it! The friends I’ve met on here are important to me, and I need to do better to keep in touch, I really do! So I’m really sorry! 🙂

So just to catch y’all up, last month, PA Man and I took our family on a once in a lifetime family vaca….and while we did have a good time, yeah, there were times that it was so evident how broken we truly are.

I couldn’t wait to get home, and let PA Man get back to work, because spending too much time with him is not good for me…I really start to feel the stress and it affects me and my relationship with my children, and I find myself short tempered a lot!! UGH!

Passive Aggression truly is like a slow, dripping poison!

So for now on, when we go in a family vaca, we are going with a group of friends, to help diffuse the tension of vacationing with a PA, because as you know, they can suck the air from the room in no time flat!!

I am soooo blessed with some really great girlfriends who are in difficult marriages also…we get along so well, and to be honest, I’d rather vaca with THEM and leave PA Man at home! LOL

Its Fall now, here where I live, and it’s my favorite season..the leaves are turning into their glorious coats of color, and I even made a praline pumpkin pie this weekend…I’m really trying to be positive and happy, because even though life with a PA is difficult, you can always, ALWAYS find something to be grateful for, and that’s what I’m trying to do!

I had a talk with PA Man today and asked him if we could PLEASE try to get along, for the holidays…no fighting, arguing, etc….for our kids. He agreed, so I hope and pray we can do this, I’m going to really, really try to just overlook his feeling sorry for himself and “Whoa is me” attitude….

I want my kids to remember the traditions of the holidays…and not the fighting and cold, heavy silences.

PA Man will be away for several days at a time this next month, so that will make things A LOT easier!

Well that’s it for me! I hope you all are doing well…please let me hear from you if you’re reading this…just a quick “HI” would be sooo appreciated! 😀

My friend, Laurie…

Recently I met a young mom, married, two kids under 3 and she’s in a really, REALLY abusive marriage!

Her H is verbally abusive, and at has been, at times, physically abusive, and we both think he’s possibly a narcissist…and she’s afraid of him, big time!

She recently played a recording she secretly made of her husband when he was screaming at her, screeching, cursing and threatening her…it was awful!! I mean really, really BAD!!! I’ve never heard anything like it!

I asked her turn it off after 2 mins because it was so bad, I couldn’t listen anymore, and Laurie said that’s just one of many…

I’m trying my best to encourage her, and be her friend…her pig of a husband has isolated her from all of her friends….but he’s met his match with me….been there, done that, pig man! You aren’t scaring me away!

He told Laurie several weeks ago that I’m “not nice” to him….so now I’m killing him with kindness!

Yeah, I know how to play his game…I even joke with him, just to throw him off his game, so he doesn’t see me as a threat…and it’s working! LOL! He actually came and sat next to me at a party recently…and then proceeded to threaten anyone who hurts his daughter! This man is a sicko!

He has NO idea that I’m on to him, I act kinda ditzy when I’m around him…LOL! I put on the ol dumb blonde act…no offense to any blondes out there, 😉 but I let him think he’s the “smart guy” in the room!

Really though, if you knew me, you’d see how extremely funny that is, because I’m a very intelligent woman, and I’m NOT a blonde! 😀

I’ve studied abusers, I’ve educated myself…and now I’m using that to help Laurie gain strength so she can eventually leave her abuser pig of a husband.

Its going to take time, I know that, Laurie can’t see past the fear right now…but we’ll get there.

I’m going to use my experiences with PA Man to help other woman who are in abusive marriages…maybe this will be my calling in life, maybe I CAN make a difference.

Please pray for Laurie…she really needs it…and me, that I can be a great friend, and also help her to find the freedom she needs and deserves!

I Need To Be Honest With You…And Myself!

I haven’t shared some things here because, to be honest, it’s been hard for me to accept what I’m seeing…but PA Mans anger toward me, as I’ve set boundaries in place, is escalating….and while I’ve noticed it, I’ve also made excuses for it.

But I can’t any longer…A couple months ago, I think it was the end of May….PA Man was upset with me because I wouldn’t have sex with him…we haven’t had sex for over a year…he didn’t say he was mad…he didn’t act mad, he just said “Ok, I understand”  when I explained that “No, I won’t have sex with you because you haven’t worked on our marriage and you flirted with Kelly at your office party and you’ve never even talked to me about it, you’ve never tried to reassure me that you know you made a mistake….I don’t trust you because you travel a lot and I don’t know what you’re doing when you’re gone, and you’ve quit counseling even after promising you wouldn’t quit this time….I want an intimate marriage…I want to feel loved and cherished by my husband, and you don’t do that….you want sex…not intimacy….and I won’t be used like that anymore!”

After I said all that, PA Man said he understood….and that was it….or so I thought!

About an hour later my youngest son came to me and asked if his dad and I were mad at each other, and I said “No…why?” And he said, “Well I was in your bathroom upstairs and dad came into the bedroom and he didn’t know I was there and he called you some bad names.”

I asked my son what his dad said and he said he called me a F’ing Bitch!!

You’ve got to understand…we don’t use language like that in my home…and PA Man had NEVER, to my knowledge, ever used that kind of language before….EVER!!!

I asked my son if he was sure his dad said that, and he ‘said “Yes, I’m pretty sure I heard him say that, Mom!’

So I confronted PA Man and of course…HE LIED! At first he said he didn’t say anything…then when he saw that wasn’t working he said that he mumbled, “What does she think I am…a freaking idiot?”

WHAT??

Does he REALLY think my son misunderstood “F’ing Bitch…for “A freaking idiot?”  They don’t even sound the same!

When I asked him WHY he said ANYTHING like that in the first place, whether it was what our son said he said, or the other, he didn’t have an answer….other then he said that he was upset because as he was going upstairs I asked him where he was going…and he was mad because I was questioning his behavior!

Right!

He calls me vile names just because I asked why was he going upstairs…LOL!!   This is a classic case of passive aggressive gas lighting and LYING and I told him that  I don’t believe him!

And that was it…we never discussed it again. Case closed…well, for him it is…me? Nope! This is passive aggressive anger rearing it’s ugly head!

The deep deep anger that PA Man has for me was evident in that behavior…and it’s only escalated since then.

The latest incident happened two weeks ago…when PA Man became physical with me for the first time ever….He grabbed me in anger, jerking me by my shirt towards him, as I sat in my car!

I was shocked!!

He’s NEVER shown violence before…and to be honest with you, at the time I put it down to just the heat of the moment…we’d been arguing over a church ministry I’m involved in, he says it’s too much work for me to do….Like he’s concerned for me….HA, he was more concerned with it interfering with HIS life….so I’m in my car, leaving to go to our church and I’d told him to stay home if was was so unhappy with it, that it’s MY ministry, he only shows up to “look good, and that I don’t need him there if he has that kind of an attitude!

When PA Man grabbed me like that, I told him through clenched teeth, “Let. Me.Go.Now!!!” And he did…he let me go with a backward thrust, and he threw his hands up in the air as he walked away…I was horrified, first at his behavior and then wondering if the neighbors had seen him grab me like that!

We live in a very small neighborhood….everyone pretty much knows everyone and I was so embarrassed in case someone had seen him grab me like that!

Thinking about it now….how stupid is that? I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I be embarrassed?

PA Man certainly wasn’t as I later said to him, “Don’t you EVER touch me like that again, because if you do, you are out of this house! That is domestic abuse (his eyes opened wide at that statement) and I WILL have you removed from this house! What if the neighbors had seen you do that…what are they thinking how?”

PA Mans response, “They didn’t see anything!” He ALWAYS says this when I bring up something he’s done that might impact or embarrass our family…he always says, “No one knows or no one saw anything”…it pisses me off soooo much! I guess it’s because he lives his life lying to himself…that no one truly knows who or what he is…so he feels he can get away with it in other areas also!

Because of the two incidents I’ve described above, I decided to go back to counseling…my first session was on Thursday…it went really well…the counselor just let me talk, then she prayed the sweetest prayer over me when we were done…she even cried a little…she has a lot of empathy for women in my situation, she said she sees this a lot, unfortunately.

I go to counseling again Thursday, I’ll probably write a new post about my sessions then… BTW, PA Man knows nothing about it…and I don’t plan on telling him! He refuses to be open with me, so I don’t feel I have to tell him what’s going on in my life either!

PA Man has been super nice since he grabbed me two weeks ago…part of me wonders if he’s a bit shocked by his behavior…but who knows really??

We haven’t discussed it since the day after it happened when I told him that what he did is considered domestic abuse…I told my sister what happened, she worked for the Sheriffs dept. for several years and she said in her State….he would be arrested because of the zero tolerance policy, and I told PA Man that…his response at the time, “Oh come on, that happens in marriages all the time!” I just looked at him and said, “Maybe in YOUR world that happens in marriages….but not in mine…you touch me again, you’re out of here!” He said nothing.

He’s traveling a lot this month so I get a lot of time alone, which I love!

Things aren’t always bad…about 80% of the time we get along pretty well….it’s the other 20% that is the problem, when his anger comes to the surface and exposes the man he truly is!

One thing I have learned…dealing with a Passive Aggressive is like dealing with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!

The PA Games!!

I need help figuring this out!

So if you read my post from a few weeks ago, when I wrote about our house reno and giving up my dream of moving to the country, you read that PA Man was totally against us moving….as in we argued over it for weeks….well, yesterday PA Man came home from a business trip and said “You know, maybe we should move like you wanted, we can sell this house once the renovations are completed!”

WHAT the H E double hockey sticks is going on??

I have to tell ya…I was NOT expecting this! PA Man even went so far as to show me a house that he’d found  online, right in the area I’ve wanted to move to!

He even mentioned putting in a swimming pool…another point of contention that we’ve argued over in the past…he’s against a pool, I’ve wanted an above ground, nothing expensive, and now…He’s talking about selling the house AND getting a pool!?!?

Of course, my PA Bull Crap Radar is on high alert!

What game is he playing now?

My thoughts are that because I’m now getting my dream kitchen….beautiful hard wood floors, (I’ve always wanted wood floors in the kitchen…BTW, he was initially against the wood floors in the kitchen, then he changed his mind….maybe) granite countertops and a new double gas oven…I LOVE to bake…and I’m also redecorating the living room and dining room and he now wants to move!!??

So my thoughts are because this is making me happy, and I’ve accepted that the dream of moving to a small farm in the country, was just that, a dream….well NOW he wants to move…to the country!!

UGH!! I told PA Man that I’d think about it…that I want to live in my remodeled home for awhile first…when in actuality I’d LOVE to move to the country…still…but I won’t let HIM know that!! Nope…I know how to play his little PA game…I’m now an expert!