My friend, Laurie…

Recently I met a young mom, married, two kids under 3 and she’s in a really, REALLY abusive marriage!

Her H is verbally abusive, and at has been, at times, physically abusive, and we both think he’s possibly a narcissist…and she’s afraid of him, big time!

She recently played a recording she secretly made of her husband when he was screaming at her, screeching, cursing and threatening her…it was awful!! I mean really, really BAD!!! I’ve never heard anything like it!

I asked her turn it off after 2 mins because it was so bad, I couldn’t listen anymore, and Laurie said that’s just one of many…

I’m trying my best to encourage her, and be her friend…her pig of a husband has isolated her from all of her friends….but he’s met his match with me….been there, done that, pig man! You aren’t scaring me away!

He told Laurie several weeks ago that I’m “not nice” to him….so now I’m killing him with kindness!

Yeah, I know how to play his game…I even joke with him, just to throw him off his game, so he doesn’t see me as a threat…and it’s working! LOL! He actually came and sat next to me at a party recently…and then proceeded to threaten anyone who hurts his daughter! This man is a sicko!

He has NO idea that I’m on to him, I act kinda ditzy when I’m around him…LOL! I put on the ol dumb blonde act…no offense to any blondes out there, 😉 but I let him think he’s the “smart guy” in the room!

Really though, if you knew me, you’d see how extremely funny that is, because I’m a very intelligent woman, and I’m NOT a blonde! 😀

I’ve studied abusers, I’ve educated myself…and now I’m using that to help Laurie gain strength so she can eventually leave her abuser pig of a husband.

Its going to take time, I know that, Laurie can’t see past the fear right now…but we’ll get there.

I’m going to use my experiences with PA Man to help other woman who are in abusive marriages…maybe this will be my calling in life, maybe I CAN make a difference.

Please pray for Laurie…she really needs it…and me, that I can be a great friend, and also help her to find the freedom she needs and deserves!

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I Need To Be Honest With You…And Myself!

I haven’t shared some things here because, to be honest, it’s been hard for me to accept what I’m seeing…but PA Mans anger toward me, as I’ve set boundaries in place, is escalating….and while I’ve noticed it, I’ve also made excuses for it.

But I can’t any longer…A couple months ago, I think it was the end of May….PA Man was upset with me because I wouldn’t have sex with him…we haven’t had sex for over a year…he didn’t say he was mad…he didn’t act mad, he just said “Ok, I understand”  when I explained that “No, I won’t have sex with you because you haven’t worked on our marriage and you flirted with Kelly at your office party and you’ve never even talked to me about it, you’ve never tried to reassure me that you know you made a mistake….I don’t trust you because you travel a lot and I don’t know what you’re doing when you’re gone, and you’ve quit counseling even after promising you wouldn’t quit this time….I want an intimate marriage…I want to feel loved and cherished by my husband, and you don’t do that….you want sex…not intimacy….and I won’t be used like that anymore!”

After I said all that, PA Man said he understood….and that was it….or so I thought!

About an hour later my youngest son came to me and asked if his dad and I were mad at each other, and I said “No…why?” And he said, “Well I was in your bathroom upstairs and dad came into the bedroom and he didn’t know I was there and he called you some bad names.”

I asked my son what his dad said and he said he called me a F’ing Bitch!!

You’ve got to understand…we don’t use language like that in my home…and PA Man had NEVER, to my knowledge, ever used that kind of language before….EVER!!!

I asked my son if he was sure his dad said that, and he ‘said “Yes, I’m pretty sure I heard him say that, Mom!’

So I confronted PA Man and of course…HE LIED! At first he said he didn’t say anything…then when he saw that wasn’t working he said that he mumbled, “What does she think I am…a freaking idiot?”

WHAT??

Does he REALLY think my son misunderstood “F’ing Bitch…for “A freaking idiot?”  They don’t even sound the same!

When I asked him WHY he said ANYTHING like that in the first place, whether it was what our son said he said, or the other, he didn’t have an answer….other then he said that he was upset because as he was going upstairs I asked him where he was going…and he was mad because I was questioning his behavior!

Right!

He calls me vile names just because I asked why was he going upstairs…LOL!!   This is a classic case of passive aggressive gas lighting and LYING and I told him that  I don’t believe him!

And that was it…we never discussed it again. Case closed…well, for him it is…me? Nope! This is passive aggressive anger rearing it’s ugly head!

The deep deep anger that PA Man has for me was evident in that behavior…and it’s only escalated since then.

The latest incident happened two weeks ago…when PA Man became physical with me for the first time ever….He grabbed me in anger, jerking me by my shirt towards him, as I sat in my car!

I was shocked!!

He’s NEVER shown violence before…and to be honest with you, at the time I put it down to just the heat of the moment…we’d been arguing over a church ministry I’m involved in, he says it’s too much work for me to do….Like he’s concerned for me….HA, he was more concerned with it interfering with HIS life….so I’m in my car, leaving to go to our church and I’d told him to stay home if was was so unhappy with it, that it’s MY ministry, he only shows up to “look good, and that I don’t need him there if he has that kind of an attitude!

When PA Man grabbed me like that, I told him through clenched teeth, “Let. Me.Go.Now!!!” And he did…he let me go with a backward thrust, and he threw his hands up in the air as he walked away…I was horrified, first at his behavior and then wondering if the neighbors had seen him grab me like that!

We live in a very small neighborhood….everyone pretty much knows everyone and I was so embarrassed in case someone had seen him grab me like that!

Thinking about it now….how stupid is that? I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I be embarrassed?

PA Man certainly wasn’t as I later said to him, “Don’t you EVER touch me like that again, because if you do, you are out of this house! That is domestic abuse (his eyes opened wide at that statement) and I WILL have you removed from this house! What if the neighbors had seen you do that…what are they thinking how?”

PA Mans response, “They didn’t see anything!” He ALWAYS says this when I bring up something he’s done that might impact or embarrass our family…he always says, “No one knows or no one saw anything”…it pisses me off soooo much! I guess it’s because he lives his life lying to himself…that no one truly knows who or what he is…so he feels he can get away with it in other areas also!

Because of the two incidents I’ve described above, I decided to go back to counseling…my first session was on Thursday…it went really well…the counselor just let me talk, then she prayed the sweetest prayer over me when we were done…she even cried a little…she has a lot of empathy for women in my situation, she said she sees this a lot, unfortunately.

I go to counseling again Thursday, I’ll probably write a new post about my sessions then… BTW, PA Man knows nothing about it…and I don’t plan on telling him! He refuses to be open with me, so I don’t feel I have to tell him what’s going on in my life either!

PA Man has been super nice since he grabbed me two weeks ago…part of me wonders if he’s a bit shocked by his behavior…but who knows really??

We haven’t discussed it since the day after it happened when I told him that what he did is considered domestic abuse…I told my sister what happened, she worked for the Sheriffs dept. for several years and she said in her State….he would be arrested because of the zero tolerance policy, and I told PA Man that…his response at the time, “Oh come on, that happens in marriages all the time!” I just looked at him and said, “Maybe in YOUR world that happens in marriages….but not in mine…you touch me again, you’re out of here!” He said nothing.

He’s traveling a lot this month so I get a lot of time alone, which I love!

Things aren’t always bad…about 80% of the time we get along pretty well….it’s the other 20% that is the problem, when his anger comes to the surface and exposes the man he truly is!

One thing I have learned…dealing with a Passive Aggressive is like dealing with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!

The PA Games!!

I need help figuring this out!

So if you read my post from a few weeks ago, when I wrote about our house reno and giving up my dream of moving to the country, you read that PA Man was totally against us moving….as in we argued over it for weeks….well, yesterday PA Man came home from a business trip and said “You know, maybe we should move like you wanted, we can sell this house once the renovations are completed!”

WHAT the H E double hockey sticks is going on??

I have to tell ya…I was NOT expecting this! PA Man even went so far as to show me a house that he’d found  online, right in the area I’ve wanted to move to!

He even mentioned putting in a swimming pool…another point of contention that we’ve argued over in the past…he’s against a pool, I’ve wanted an above ground, nothing expensive, and now…He’s talking about selling the house AND getting a pool!?!?

Of course, my PA Bull Crap Radar is on high alert!

What game is he playing now?

My thoughts are that because I’m now getting my dream kitchen….beautiful hard wood floors, (I’ve always wanted wood floors in the kitchen…BTW, he was initially against the wood floors in the kitchen, then he changed his mind….maybe) granite countertops and a new double gas oven…I LOVE to bake…and I’m also redecorating the living room and dining room and he now wants to move!!??

So my thoughts are because this is making me happy, and I’ve accepted that the dream of moving to a small farm in the country, was just that, a dream….well NOW he wants to move…to the country!!

UGH!! I told PA Man that I’d think about it…that I want to live in my remodeled home for awhile first…when in actuality I’d LOVE to move to the country…still…but I won’t let HIM know that!! Nope…I know how to play his little PA game…I’m now an expert!

I’m Feeling Sad…

A blogging friend has disappeared….PJ is married to a PA also, and I’ve followed her blog for quite awhile…and it’s been 3 months now since she posted….and that is not like her at all!

I have a feeling that something bad has happened…PJ had finally started standing up for herself…she was going to equine therapy…therapy with horses….and she really loved it…I was so hopeful that she was going to break free from her abusive husband and live a happy, contented life!

I just don’t know…maybe she’s moved out, and is starting a new life and doesn’t have access to her computer…or maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part?

Anyway…it just makes me sad that she’s just disappeared like that…PJ wouldn’t do that, she has so many women following her blog, and we are all very concerned!

PJ…I know you’re signed up to follow my posts… So if you read this…please let me know how you’re doing…Please!!!

Renovation and Passive Aggression….it’s not a good thing!

This weekend was a bit crazy and that’s putting it mildly!

PA Man and I have decided to stay in our current home, and just do some upgrades and remodeling, primarily the kitchen, since that’s where I spend a lot of my time.

Let me back up….it’s been my dream to own a small farm in the country with chickens and ducks and maybe a cow that we can butcher for meat to fill the freezer, and a huge garden, etc.

Well that’s MY dream, not PA Mans, so you KNOW that he’s going to give me a hard time ANY CHANCE HE GETS…and he has, but then denies it, LOL, sooo typical….so anyway, I’ve shelved that idea, and decided to make the best of what I’ve got…A nice size yard in a very small subdivision in the suburbs, it’s not out in the country like I want,  but we do have a horse farm right behind us, and a small creek, so it’s close to a country setting and with that, I have to be content.

i already have some chickens, even though PA Man complains about them, again, no surprise there right? LOL!  I sell the extra eggs to friends and that pays for their feed, and I trade 3 doz a week to my sons piano teacher to help offset the cost of his lessons, so PA Man can’t complain TOO much! HA!

So the kitchen is torn apart, cabinets off of the wall, we have a flooring guy coming in next Monday to put wood floors down in the kitchen and up the stairs…and I can see PA Man is not handling it well at all….the only thing I can think of is that he likes order in every aspect of his life…and there’s A LOT of disorder in our home right now so maybe that’s driving him deeper into PA Mode??

So let’s go to Friday night.

I have a ministry that I run for my church…and PA Man helps me, because “I’m your husband I should be there to support you!” Yeah…whatev!

Anyway, he was complaining about this ministry…it’s too much work…why do we have to do everything…blah, blah, blah!

The crazy thing is, I do MOST of the work…he’s at his office all day, so I do what needs to be done for this ministry, so his complaining was really getting to me and I snapped at him, “Well stay home then! I can do this myself!”

Of course that would never happen! He has to be “seen” by others as the loving, caring husband…and short of causing a scene at church, there’s not much I can do, except ignore him, which I did!

I’m soooo tired of him acting like this….passive aggressives SUCK!!!  The next 6 weeks are going to be HARD!! Thank goodness he’s out of town on business this week…I need a break!

I am excited for my new kitchen…I bake a lot and I bought a gas double oven…a cooks dream!

My thought is that IF PA Man and I do end up separating….that maybe my reputation as a baker will help me earn a little extra money, I make some mean cinnamon rolls, breads and cheesecakes! LOL!

You never know what plan God has…right?? 🙂

Have a GREAT week!

Is it possible to be Happy??

In a recent conversation, I told a friend….”I’m content…I’m happy.” I surprised myself, because it’s true…I AM content, I AM happy.

How is that possible? Nothing has changed in my marriage…PA Man is still the same…so why do I feel contented and happy?

I think it’s a state of mind…I’ve decided to accept my marriage for what it is, and just get on with my life.

Do I want things to improve between PA Man and I,  yes, of course, but let’s face it…it ain’t happening!

I mean REALLLY….whats the stats on a Passive Aggressive changing…pretty much zero…so I’ve accepted that.

The last few weeks I’ve met a really sweet  woman who is in an abusive marriage…both verbal and emotional…and I’ve been able to encourage her and share my story, and we’ve been able to support each other….and my best friend is married to a guy who is financially abusive…so I’m not alone!

This really helps me to see that even though life is not how I want it, there are others who are experiencing the same thing…So I’ve changed my outlook in a lot of ways.

I also had a health scare several weeks back, I’m ok, but I had to wait a week for my biopsy to come back, and it was really hard, really, really hard! The what ifs…kept running though my mind!

But during that time I did a lot of praying and I realized that I was letting certain behaviors “control” me…anger over PA Mans emotional affair, anger over PA Mans refusal to work on himself and help fix what’s broken inside, and definite anger towards the Cow aka “other woman”, because in my one and only conversation with her a year after Dday (discovery day) she blamed ME for not keeping PA Man happy and that I deserved what happened, and she’d also sent an email saying that she was  happy with herself, and that they’d done nothing wrong! Yeah…she’s something else, isn’t she?

Anyway,  that was keeping me down in the pit of despair…so I let that anger go, and I also realized that I need to live each day to the fullest….Life is too short to be angry and feeling discouraged all the time!

I don’t know if PA Man and I will be together in 5 yrs…but until then, I fully intend to enjoy the life I have now, finish raising my youngest son, and enjoy my friends, my family, and yes, even the good times that PA Man and I have…and we do have some good times!

PA Man travels a lot, in fact he’s gone again this week, comes home Thursday and leaves again Monday, so it really works out good for me 🙂

I recently had someone on a blog ask WHY am I staying married to PA Man…and I told her because I’m happy, yes, I get very hurt and frustrated when PA Man abandons me emotionally, but my relationship with God only grows stronger as a result.

While waiting for my test results to come back, I read Psalm 103…I loved the whole chapter, but verses 3 & 4 really stood out for me…”Who redeems your life from the pit, and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagles”

You have to understand.

Since the affair was revealed, I’ve often called my times of despair and fear, “The Pit”,  so reading that God redeems my life from the pit, really spoke to me!

Also, the other lines in those verses, he (God) crowns me with love and compassion, I DO feel love and compassion towards PA Man now…yes, more then I have since Dday…I’m not excusing what he’s done…Nope, the bible calls him a fool…who am I to argue with that??

But I do feel sad for him…because he’s not living a happy life, how can he?? He’s so blinded by his sin, and it shows on his face…he is starting to age and gain weight…he’s two yrs younger than me, but he looks older, he’s always been a slim man, and he still is, but he’s getting that middle aged “pooch!!”

I on the other hand, am taking care of myself,  eating healthy, losing the pounds I’ve gained in the last few years because of being a “stress eater!” LOL!

I’m on an exercise program and lifting weights…my oldest son told me last night that he can really see muscle definition in my arms! Yay! I FEEL good about myself, for the first time in a very long time!

The rest of the verses say, “who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed as the eagle.”

Well, I just explained that I feel younger and more fit than I have in years, I even had to show my drivers license to a friends teenage son, because he didn’t believe me when I told him how old I am! LOL! Yeah, that made me feel good! 😉  My “youth” is renewed?? LOL

“Who satisfies your desires for good things”…I have prayed for many years for a friend, every since I left my home state to move to a new location for PA Mans job….and three years ago God put in my life my wonderful friend “Linda”, she’s now my best friend  and confided in me about a year ago, that HER husband cheated on her also and he’s very controlling financially…unless of course it’s something HE wants….then he loosens the purse strings. We have bonded and have become almost like sisters…I thank God daily for bringing Linda into my life!

Also, God blessed my family two years ago with a job offer for PA Man that DOUBLED his income!! Why would God do that when PA Man is so clearly NOT following Christ, and is slowly destroying our marriage??

I believe God did it for me and my family…PA Man now travels a lot, so he’s gone about 10-12 days out of the month, which is GREAT, but also, the income boost means we can take vacations that we never could before, planning an 8 day Caribbean cruise right now, AND if we do separate, it means that financially, I can (and will) ask for more alimony and child support.

Also, I’m able to put a little money aside…”just in case money”, ya know what I mean?? 😉

You know…I could be WAY off base here, but I choose to look at these things in my life as blessings from God, because HE loves me and he HATES the sin of passive aggression!!

To anyone reading this who is in a VERY abusive marriage…verbal hate thrown at you every day…threats of harm….or physical abuse….DO NOT stay because of what I’ve written here! GET OUT!!! GET OUT NOW!!

This is MY life, and I’m making it work….but if PA Man ever cheats again, or becomes more emotionally shut off from me, then I will have to make some decisions about my future, but for right now, this works for me!

All of us in these marriages have to do what we can do to survive…for me, I cut off all sexual intimacy a year ago….I felt used and then tossed aside until the next time he felt “a need” and I was tired of feeling that way!

Looking back, I now realize that that was having a huge impact on how I felt about myself…I now feel even more empowered, more in control…and that’s a GOOD thing!!

Until next time…xoxoxoxo

AUUGGHH! I need to blog more!

Ok, a new post is coming tomorrow! I’m so mad at myself that I’ve let so much time get away and I haven’t posted anything for weeks!

I don’t know why I do that…other than I really don’t think I have anything new to say, LOL!

But I like when I hear from my other blogging world friends….so I’m going to do this…at least two new posts a week from now on! 😀