I’m Feeling Sad…

A blogging friend has disappeared….PJ is married to a PA also, and I’ve followed her blog for quite awhile…and it’s been 3 months now since she posted….and that is not like her at all!

I have a feeling that something bad has happened…PJ had finally started standing up for herself…she was going to equine therapy…therapy with horses….and she really loved it…I was so hopeful that she was going to break free from her abusive husband and live a happy, contented life!

I just don’t know…maybe she’s moved out, and is starting a new life and doesn’t have access to her computer…or maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part?

Anyway…it just makes me sad that she’s just disappeared like that…PJ wouldn’t do that, she has so many women following her blog, and we are all very concerned!

PJ…I know you’re signed up to follow my posts… So if you read this…please let me know how you’re doing…Please!!!

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Renovation and Passive Aggression….it’s not a good thing!

This weekend was a bit crazy and that’s putting it mildly!

PA Man and I have decided to stay in our current home, and just do some upgrades and remodeling, primarily the kitchen, since that’s where I spend a lot of my time.

Let me back up….it’s been my dream to own a small farm in the country with chickens and ducks and maybe a cow that we can butcher for meat to fill the freezer, and a huge garden, etc.

Well that’s MY dream, not PA Mans, so you KNOW that he’s going to give me a hard time ANY CHANCE HE GETS…and he has, but then denies it, LOL, sooo typical….so anyway, I’ve shelved that idea, and decided to make the best of what I’ve got…A nice size yard in a very small subdivision in the suburbs, it’s not out in the country like I want,  but we do have a horse farm right behind us, and a small creek, so it’s close to a country setting and with that, I have to be content.

i already have some chickens, even though PA Man complains about them, again, no surprise there right? LOL!  I sell the extra eggs to friends and that pays for their feed, and I trade 3 doz a week to my sons piano teacher to help offset the cost of his lessons, so PA Man can’t complain TOO much! HA!

So the kitchen is torn apart, cabinets off of the wall, we have a flooring guy coming in next Monday to put wood floors down in the kitchen and up the stairs…and I can see PA Man is not handling it well at all….the only thing I can think of is that he likes order in every aspect of his life…and there’s A LOT of disorder in our home right now so maybe that’s driving him deeper into PA Mode??

So let’s go to Friday night.

I have a ministry that I run for my church…and PA Man helps me, because “I’m your husband I should be there to support you!” Yeah…whatev!

Anyway, he was complaining about this ministry…it’s too much work…why do we have to do everything…blah, blah, blah!

The crazy thing is, I do MOST of the work…he’s at his office all day, so I do what needs to be done for this ministry, so his complaining was really getting to me and I snapped at him, “Well stay home then! I can do this myself!”

Of course that would never happen! He has to be “seen” by others as the loving, caring husband…and short of causing a scene at church, there’s not much I can do, except ignore him, which I did!

I’m soooo tired of him acting like this….passive aggressives SUCK!!!  The next 6 weeks are going to be HARD!! Thank goodness he’s out of town on business this week…I need a break!

I am excited for my new kitchen…I bake a lot and I bought a gas double oven…a cooks dream!

My thought is that IF PA Man and I do end up separating….that maybe my reputation as a baker will help me earn a little extra money, I make some mean cinnamon rolls, breads and cheesecakes! LOL!

You never know what plan God has…right?? 🙂

Have a GREAT week!

Is it possible to be Happy??

In a recent conversation, I told a friend….”I’m content…I’m happy.” I surprised myself, because it’s true…I AM content, I AM happy.

How is that possible? Nothing has changed in my marriage…PA Man is still the same…so why do I feel contented and happy?

I think it’s a state of mind…I’ve decided to accept my marriage for what it is, and just get on with my life.

Do I want things to improve between PA Man and I,  yes, of course, but let’s face it…it ain’t happening!

I mean REALLLY….whats the stats on a Passive Aggressive changing…pretty much zero…so I’ve accepted that.

The last few weeks I’ve met a really sweet  woman who is in an abusive marriage…both verbal and emotional…and I’ve been able to encourage her and share my story, and we’ve been able to support each other….and my best friend is married to a guy who is financially abusive…so I’m not alone!

This really helps me to see that even though life is not how I want it, there are others who are experiencing the same thing…So I’ve changed my outlook in a lot of ways.

I also had a health scare several weeks back, I’m ok, but I had to wait a week for my biopsy to come back, and it was really hard, really, really hard! The what ifs…kept running though my mind!

But during that time I did a lot of praying and I realized that I was letting certain behaviors “control” me…anger over PA Mans emotional affair, anger over PA Mans refusal to work on himself and help fix what’s broken inside, and definite anger towards the Cow aka “other woman”, because in my one and only conversation with her a year after Dday (discovery day) she blamed ME for not keeping PA Man happy and that I deserved what happened, and she’d also sent an email saying that she was  happy with herself, and that they’d done nothing wrong! Yeah…she’s something else, isn’t she?

Anyway,  that was keeping me down in the pit of despair…so I let that anger go, and I also realized that I need to live each day to the fullest….Life is too short to be angry and feeling discouraged all the time!

I don’t know if PA Man and I will be together in 5 yrs…but until then, I fully intend to enjoy the life I have now, finish raising my youngest son, and enjoy my friends, my family, and yes, even the good times that PA Man and I have…and we do have some good times!

PA Man travels a lot, in fact he’s gone again this week, comes home Thursday and leaves again Monday, so it really works out good for me 🙂

I recently had someone on a blog ask WHY am I staying married to PA Man…and I told her because I’m happy, yes, I get very hurt and frustrated when PA Man abandons me emotionally, but my relationship with God only grows stronger as a result.

While waiting for my test results to come back, I read Psalm 103…I loved the whole chapter, but verses 3 & 4 really stood out for me…”Who redeems your life from the pit, and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagles”

You have to understand.

Since the affair was revealed, I’ve often called my times of despair and fear, “The Pit”,  so reading that God redeems my life from the pit, really spoke to me!

Also, the other lines in those verses, he (God) crowns me with love and compassion, I DO feel love and compassion towards PA Man now…yes, more then I have since Dday…I’m not excusing what he’s done…Nope, the bible calls him a fool…who am I to argue with that??

But I do feel sad for him…because he’s not living a happy life, how can he?? He’s so blinded by his sin, and it shows on his face…he is starting to age and gain weight…he’s two yrs younger than me, but he looks older, he’s always been a slim man, and he still is, but he’s getting that middle aged “pooch!!”

I on the other hand, am taking care of myself,  eating healthy, losing the pounds I’ve gained in the last few years because of being a “stress eater!” LOL!

I’m on an exercise program and lifting weights…my oldest son told me last night that he can really see muscle definition in my arms! Yay! I FEEL good about myself, for the first time in a very long time!

The rest of the verses say, “who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed as the eagle.”

Well, I just explained that I feel younger and more fit than I have in years, I even had to show my drivers license to a friends teenage son, because he didn’t believe me when I told him how old I am! LOL! Yeah, that made me feel good! 😉  My “youth” is renewed?? LOL

“Who satisfies your desires for good things”…I have prayed for many years for a friend, every since I left my home state to move to a new location for PA Mans job….and three years ago God put in my life my wonderful friend “Linda”, she’s now my best friend  and confided in me about a year ago, that HER husband cheated on her also and he’s very controlling financially…unless of course it’s something HE wants….then he loosens the purse strings. We have bonded and have become almost like sisters…I thank God daily for bringing Linda into my life!

Also, God blessed my family two years ago with a job offer for PA Man that DOUBLED his income!! Why would God do that when PA Man is so clearly NOT following Christ, and is slowly destroying our marriage??

I believe God did it for me and my family…PA Man now travels a lot, so he’s gone about 10-12 days out of the month, which is GREAT, but also, the income boost means we can take vacations that we never could before, planning an 8 day Caribbean cruise right now, AND if we do separate, it means that financially, I can (and will) ask for more alimony and child support.

Also, I’m able to put a little money aside…”just in case money”, ya know what I mean?? 😉

You know…I could be WAY off base here, but I choose to look at these things in my life as blessings from God, because HE loves me and he HATES the sin of passive aggression!!

To anyone reading this who is in a VERY abusive marriage…verbal hate thrown at you every day…threats of harm….or physical abuse….DO NOT stay because of what I’ve written here! GET OUT!!! GET OUT NOW!!

This is MY life, and I’m making it work….but if PA Man ever cheats again, or becomes more emotionally shut off from me, then I will have to make some decisions about my future, but for right now, this works for me!

All of us in these marriages have to do what we can do to survive…for me, I cut off all sexual intimacy a year ago….I felt used and then tossed aside until the next time he felt “a need” and I was tired of feeling that way!

Looking back, I now realize that that was having a huge impact on how I felt about myself…I now feel even more empowered, more in control…and that’s a GOOD thing!!

Until next time…xoxoxoxo

AUUGGHH! I need to blog more!

Ok, a new post is coming tomorrow! I’m so mad at myself that I’ve let so much time get away and I haven’t posted anything for weeks!

I don’t know why I do that…other than I really don’t think I have anything new to say, LOL!

But I like when I hear from my other blogging world friends….so I’m going to do this…at least two new posts a week from now on! 😀

It’s taken me awhile…but I’m getting better!

I finally did it….I stayed calm when PA Man was trying to push my buttons! YAY me! 🙂

PA Man and I hosted a family and friends dinner party this past weekend to celebrate one of our children’s career accomplishments.

I chose a upscale restaurant that had a private room that we could use, and PA Man was totally onboard with it…in fact, he told me to spare NO expense…so I when asked by a couple of our friends if they could attend, I told them, “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Anyway, the room we used could only hold 35 people, so I asked the restaurant manager if we could reserve a table right outside the room, so that our other 3 boys and a couple of our family members could sit there…I first checked with my boys to ask if that would be OK with them, and being teenagers, of course they said “YES!” LOL! What teenager wants to sit in a room with a bunch of “old” people! LOL!

Well…OF COURSE PA Man was against this! He felt that all of our family should sit together in the same room for dinner…and we should ask our daughter in laws family to sit at the table OUTSIDE the room because only her parents were supposed to come, but they ended up bringing her brothers and sisters, and he felt that by doing this they had inconvenienced us!!! WHAT????

There was NO way I was going to insult my DILs family, especially when my boys were ok with the seating arrangements and I told PA Man this….and he dropped it, or so I thought!

About an hour later my mom stopped by and I was upstairs drying my hair….as I came down the stairs I heard PA Man complaining to my mom about the seating arrangements, and that he didn’t like it that his sons had to sit outside the room, that he felt that our family should all be together, etc…

I didn’t say anything until after my mom left, and then I told PA Man I didn’t appreciate him talking to my mom behind my back, that it was a passive aggressive move and he should have come to me if he still had a problem with the seating arrangements…and he didn’t like that!

I then told him, “Fine! You don’t like the seating arrangements, OK….then YOU talk to our daughter in law and her parents, explain that their kids will be sitting outside the room, because YOU feel they should have given us more notice that whole family was coming for the party! I don’t have a problem with it, but you do, so YOU handle it the way YOU want!!”

OF COURSE he backed down instantly….”No, it’s ok, what’s done is done.” Me: No, it’s NOT done….when we get to the restaurant you can then explain the reason our DILs brothers and sisters are sitting outside the room!” Again…he backs down! As I knew he would!

PA Man hates confrontation….so I used it against him! And it worked. And I stayed calm…I didn’t play his game…I threw it all back on him! HA!

Oh, BTW, yes, our three boys sat outside the room…but so did our DILs two brothers….and that was my plan all along! The boys are GREAT friends and as long as they can hang out together, they’re happy!!

As I thought about this later, I figured out what PA Mans problem was over this issue…He’s ALL about pretending that our family is perfect…He likes to pretend that he has the “perfect” family life…put on the “Big Show” AKA “The Fake Family”…and by the entire family not sitting in the same room together, this threw off HIS perception of our family!

Anyway, I did have a good weekend…the dinner party was a success and I had a great time! 🙂

Oh, BTW, I haven’t started counseling yet…waiting to hear from the counseling center.

Last week was just filling out paper work, and a “mini interview” and now I wait to see what counselor I’m assigned to…The center reads my paperwork and tries to match me up with the counselor they feel will meet my needs…Will update as soon as I have my first appt. 🙂

I Start Counseling Tomorrow

A quick update…I start counseling tomorrow.
I hope it works out, sooo many counselors just don’t get it, this PA lifestyle, but I really want to work on myself, since my marriage is pretty much gone.
It’s MY time now….no more working on my marriage or my husband.
I guess I’m a slow learner, LOL, but I just could NOT stop working on my husband and marriage….or maybe I just had such FAITH that God can fix anything, so I kept on trying??

But it’s not up to me to fix what’s broken….PA Man has to decide that he wants to fix himself….and sadly, that’s not the case….He’s happy with himself, in fact he just recently told me, after we had an argument, that he is FINALLY standing up for himself, and accused me of not liking it when he does!

Well no, that’s not true, I’ve always wanted him to stand up for himself….IF he was being treated wrong…like when his parents use to call and berate him for something they thought he could do better….it would make me so mad, he NEVER stood up for himself when they did that…and I couldn’t understand why he just sat there, silent on the phone, never defending himself…
But now he’s decided that I’m the enemy, and he has to “defend himself” against me…Ok. Whatever.

At this point, I’m just trying to live my life, doing what makes me happy.
As long as I’m pleasant to PA Man, go along with his Mr. Good Guy routine…there is peace in the house….so that’s what I’m doing.
I’ve finally figured it out….I set the tempo for our family…if I’m upset or angry with PA Man, everyone is impacted….But if I’m content, not angry with how PA Man acts….then things are almost normal.
So that’s what I’m trying to do now…I don’t expect anything from him, I do what needs to be done, my kids know they can depend on me, we are a team, my kids and me.
It really does help that PA Man is traveling a lot right now…He’s been gone the last two weeks, home on the weekends, then gone again….and he’s gone next week also. 🙂 God is good to give us this break from PA Man…I pray it continues.

Hello There :)

It’s been over a month since I posted…I don’t know why, just nothing much to say, I guess.

Things are moving along in this PA Life…And I’m happy, for the most part 🙂

I’ve  chosen the path that I’m happiest with, and for right now, it’s staying married to PA Man…I feel that this is what God is telling me to do…right now!

Recently  I was asked to be the Chairperson for a committee at our church…I’m really excited about it!

I just feel that God is opening these doors for me, and making my life full in other areas….since my marriage sucks! Also, I was asked to help out with another event at church, it’s just for one day, but it helps keep me busy and I love serving in these areas, so of course I said yes! 🙂

You know what’s really strange though…PA Man is NEVER asked to help out with activities at church and that’s kind of weird, since he’s there every Sunday, and most Wed. nights. All I can think is that God knows his heart, so maybe that’s why?

He has said things to me in the past…Wondering why he’s never been asked to serve on any committees…I don’t say anything, but I do wonder why he’s not asked, since he’s Mr. Happy Go Lucky at church and people really seem to like him….but you know what….you can fool people all the time…but you can’t fool God, NOT that I’m a saint…LOL, far from it! But God knows my heart, and how grieved it is over the state of my marriage!

Anyway, like I said, things are the same here. PA Man says he IS changing (he’s not) and that he’s not perfect, so I have to be patient.  When he says things like that, I just drop the subject, why argue over something like that? Those are empty words.

For right now I’m just doing what makes me happy. PA Man is asleep most nights by 8-8:30 and that’s fine by me! That means I only see him for a few hrs a day…and I can handle that!

I’m a strong woman, I always have been, and as my youngest son recently said to me, when he came to me about a situation and I told him to go ask his dad, “Mom, I’m not asking dad, you’re in charge around here, dad always gets angry and he doesn’t care anyway!”

Out of the mouth of babes…