I Need To Be Honest With You…And Myself!

I haven’t shared some things here because, to be honest, it’s been hard for me to accept what I’m seeing…but PA Mans anger toward me, as I’ve set boundaries in place, is escalating….and while I’ve noticed it, I’ve also made excuses for it.

But I can’t any longer…A couple months ago, I think it was the end of May….PA Man was upset with me because I wouldn’t have sex with him…we haven’t had sex for over a year…he didn’t say he was mad…he didn’t act mad, he just said “Ok, I understand”  when I explained that “No, I won’t have sex with you because you haven’t worked on our marriage and you flirted with Kelly at your office party and you’ve never even talked to me about it, you’ve never tried to reassure me that you know you made a mistake….I don’t trust you because you travel a lot and I don’t know what you’re doing when you’re gone, and you’ve quit counseling even after promising you wouldn’t quit this time….I want an intimate marriage…I want to feel loved and cherished by my husband, and you don’t do that….you want sex…not intimacy….and I won’t be used like that anymore!”

After I said all that, PA Man said he understood….and that was it….or so I thought!

About an hour later my youngest son came to me and asked if his dad and I were mad at each other, and I said “No…why?” And he said, “Well I was in your bathroom upstairs and dad came into the bedroom and he didn’t know I was there and he called you some bad names.”

I asked my son what his dad said and he said he called me a F’ing Bitch!!

You’ve got to understand…we don’t use language like that in my home…and PA Man had NEVER, to my knowledge, ever used that kind of language before….EVER!!!

I asked my son if he was sure his dad said that, and he ‘said “Yes, I’m pretty sure I heard him say that, Mom!’

So I confronted PA Man and of course…HE LIED! At first he said he didn’t say anything…then when he saw that wasn’t working he said that he mumbled, “What does she think I am…a freaking idiot?”

WHAT??

Does he REALLY think my son misunderstood “F’ing Bitch…for “A freaking idiot?”  They don’t even sound the same!

When I asked him WHY he said ANYTHING like that in the first place, whether it was what our son said he said, or the other, he didn’t have an answer….other then he said that he was upset because as he was going upstairs I asked him where he was going…and he was mad because I was questioning his behavior!

Right!

He calls me vile names just because I asked why was he going upstairs…LOL!!   This is a classic case of passive aggressive gas lighting and LYING and I told him that  I don’t believe him!

And that was it…we never discussed it again. Case closed…well, for him it is…me? Nope! This is passive aggressive anger rearing it’s ugly head!

The deep deep anger that PA Man has for me was evident in that behavior…and it’s only escalated since then.

The latest incident happened two weeks ago…when PA Man became physical with me for the first time ever….He grabbed me in anger, jerking me by my shirt towards him, as I sat in my car!

I was shocked!!

He’s NEVER shown violence before…and to be honest with you, at the time I put it down to just the heat of the moment…we’d been arguing over a church ministry I’m involved in, he says it’s too much work for me to do….Like he’s concerned for me….HA, he was more concerned with it interfering with HIS life….so I’m in my car, leaving to go to our church and I’d told him to stay home if was was so unhappy with it, that it’s MY ministry, he only shows up to “look good, and that I don’t need him there if he has that kind of an attitude!

When PA Man grabbed me like that, I told him through clenched teeth, “Let. Me.Go.Now!!!” And he did…he let me go with a backward thrust, and he threw his hands up in the air as he walked away…I was horrified, first at his behavior and then wondering if the neighbors had seen him grab me like that!

We live in a very small neighborhood….everyone pretty much knows everyone and I was so embarrassed in case someone had seen him grab me like that!

Thinking about it now….how stupid is that? I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I be embarrassed?

PA Man certainly wasn’t as I later said to him, “Don’t you EVER touch me like that again, because if you do, you are out of this house! That is domestic abuse (his eyes opened wide at that statement) and I WILL have you removed from this house! What if the neighbors had seen you do that…what are they thinking how?”

PA Mans response, “They didn’t see anything!” He ALWAYS says this when I bring up something he’s done that might impact or embarrass our family…he always says, “No one knows or no one saw anything”…it pisses me off soooo much! I guess it’s because he lives his life lying to himself…that no one truly knows who or what he is…so he feels he can get away with it in other areas also!

Because of the two incidents I’ve described above, I decided to go back to counseling…my first session was on Thursday…it went really well…the counselor just let me talk, then she prayed the sweetest prayer over me when we were done…she even cried a little…she has a lot of empathy for women in my situation, she said she sees this a lot, unfortunately.

I go to counseling again Thursday, I’ll probably write a new post about my sessions then… BTW, PA Man knows nothing about it…and I don’t plan on telling him! He refuses to be open with me, so I don’t feel I have to tell him what’s going on in my life either!

PA Man has been super nice since he grabbed me two weeks ago…part of me wonders if he’s a bit shocked by his behavior…but who knows really??

We haven’t discussed it since the day after it happened when I told him that what he did is considered domestic abuse…I told my sister what happened, she worked for the Sheriffs dept. for several years and she said in her State….he would be arrested because of the zero tolerance policy, and I told PA Man that…his response at the time, “Oh come on, that happens in marriages all the time!” I just looked at him and said, “Maybe in YOUR world that happens in marriages….but not in mine…you touch me again, you’re out of here!” He said nothing.

He’s traveling a lot this month so I get a lot of time alone, which I love!

Things aren’t always bad…about 80% of the time we get along pretty well….it’s the other 20% that is the problem, when his anger comes to the surface and exposes the man he truly is!

One thing I have learned…dealing with a Passive Aggressive is like dealing with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!

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6 thoughts on “I Need To Be Honest With You…And Myself!

  1. Are you worth only 80%? 75%? 60%? Where do you draw the line?

    The shirt grab? He’s testing you. Seems the emotional abuse is not having quite the effect it used to, so he’ll try intimidation and/or physical violence. Maybe that will get your attention and bring you back to your senses. Dangerous times. 😦

    Mine used physical violence 3 times in our marriage. The woman at the DV office said that’s all it took. He figured out emotional abuse was more effective with me! 😦

    May God bless you and keep you safe as you continue on your journey.

    As to the neighbors…”what others think of you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”. That is a hard lesson to learn, but so true, so very true.

    • GS, Yes, I believe you are right! PA Man can see that I’m getting stronger, that I don’t even try to work with him anymore, when he ignores me and gives me the silent treatment, I do the same.
      In times past I would follow him around, practically begging him to talk to me, to resolve our issues, etc…but now, I don’t care, so I give HIM the silent treatment!
      I did see an attorney a few weeks ago…just to know my options, I can get alimony, we have to sell our house and split our assets…I’d lose in the long run, so for right now, I’m staying quiet and just getting along. PA Man likes when I do that, but I’m making plans for my future, oh yes I am! 🙂
      Thank you for your response GainingStrength! God bless you!

  2. I can identify with what you say. I think things do start to escalate once you’re aware of what they’re doing because you wise up to their behaviour and it ceases to have the impact they’re looking for. Consequently, they crank it up in an effort to try and regain control of you.

    • Yes dancingwithan…once you stop playing their game, and they realize they are losing control over you, then it starts getting dicey!
      Things have calmed down a bit since I wrote this, but things have changed in my marriage…as I become stronger, PA Man becomes even more resentful!

  3. As someone in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage … he’s an abuser. You mentioned Lundy Bancroft’s book in an earlier post. If you haven’t gotten it and read it already, please do. It’s the single best thing I’ve ever read on the subject of abuse. (Why Does He Do That?) Also “In Sheep’s Clothing” by Dr. George Simon. And you also quoted a passage from the blog cryingoutforjustice.com …If you don’t already frequent that blog, it’s a wonderful place of support for those who have been abused. I’m not sure what condition I’d be in, if I hadn’t found it. God bless … Will pray for you.

    • Hi Anne, thanks for your comment! Yes, I’ve read all the books you’ve suggested, LOVED Lundy ‘s book, and I’m also a frequent poster on Leslie Vernicks blog…I’ve posted at Crying Out for Justice several times also!
      I agree, PA Man is an abuser….he says he’s not, but I know he lives in a different reality, where he tells himself that he’s the victim…whatever!

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