In a recent conversation, I told a friend….”I’m content…I’m happy.” I surprised myself, because it’s true…I AM content, I AM happy.
How is that possible? Nothing has changed in my marriage…PA Man is still the same…so why do I feel contented and happy?
I think it’s a state of mind…I’ve decided to accept my marriage for what it is, and just get on with my life.
Do I want things to improve between PA Man and I, yes, of course, but let’s face it…it ain’t happening!
I mean REALLLY….whats the stats on a Passive Aggressive changing…pretty much zero…so I’ve accepted that.
The last few weeks I’ve met a really sweet woman who is in an abusive marriage…both verbal and emotional…and I’ve been able to encourage her and share my story, and we’ve been able to support each other….and my best friend is married to a guy who is financially abusive…so I’m not alone!
This really helps me to see that even though life is not how I want it, there are others who are experiencing the same thing…So I’ve changed my outlook in a lot of ways.
I also had a health scare several weeks back, I’m ok, but I had to wait a week for my biopsy to come back, and it was really hard, really, really hard! The what ifs…kept running though my mind!
But during that time I did a lot of praying and I realized that I was letting certain behaviors “control” me…anger over PA Mans emotional affair, anger over PA Mans refusal to work on himself and help fix what’s broken inside, and definite anger towards the Cow aka “other woman”, because in my one and only conversation with her a year after Dday (discovery day) she blamed ME for not keeping PA Man happy and that I deserved what happened, and she’d also sent an email saying that she was happy with herself, and that they’d done nothing wrong! Yeah…she’s something else, isn’t she?
Anyway, that was keeping me down in the pit of despair…so I let that anger go, and I also realized that I need to live each day to the fullest….Life is too short to be angry and feeling discouraged all the time!
I don’t know if PA Man and I will be together in 5 yrs…but until then, I fully intend to enjoy the life I have now, finish raising my youngest son, and enjoy my friends, my family, and yes, even the good times that PA Man and I have…and we do have some good times!
PA Man travels a lot, in fact he’s gone again this week, comes home Thursday and leaves again Monday, so it really works out good for me 🙂
I recently had someone on a blog ask WHY am I staying married to PA Man…and I told her because I’m happy, yes, I get very hurt and frustrated when PA Man abandons me emotionally, but my relationship with God only grows stronger as a result.
While waiting for my test results to come back, I read Psalm 103…I loved the whole chapter, but verses 3 & 4 really stood out for me…”Who redeems your life from the pit, and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagles”
You have to understand.
Since the affair was revealed, I’ve often called my times of despair and fear, “The Pit”, so reading that God redeems my life from the pit, really spoke to me!
Also, the other lines in those verses, he (God) crowns me with love and compassion, I DO feel love and compassion towards PA Man now…yes, more then I have since Dday…I’m not excusing what he’s done…Nope, the bible calls him a fool…who am I to argue with that??
But I do feel sad for him…because he’s not living a happy life, how can he?? He’s so blinded by his sin, and it shows on his face…he is starting to age and gain weight…he’s two yrs younger than me, but he looks older, he’s always been a slim man, and he still is, but he’s getting that middle aged “pooch!!”
I on the other hand, am taking care of myself, eating healthy, losing the pounds I’ve gained in the last few years because of being a “stress eater!” LOL!
I’m on an exercise program and lifting weights…my oldest son told me last night that he can really see muscle definition in my arms! Yay! I FEEL good about myself, for the first time in a very long time!
The rest of the verses say, “who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed as the eagle.”
Well, I just explained that I feel younger and more fit than I have in years, I even had to show my drivers license to a friends teenage son, because he didn’t believe me when I told him how old I am! LOL! Yeah, that made me feel good! 😉 My “youth” is renewed?? LOL
“Who satisfies your desires for good things”…I have prayed for many years for a friend, every since I left my home state to move to a new location for PA Mans job….and three years ago God put in my life my wonderful friend “Linda”, she’s now my best friend and confided in me about a year ago, that HER husband cheated on her also and he’s very controlling financially…unless of course it’s something HE wants….then he loosens the purse strings. We have bonded and have become almost like sisters…I thank God daily for bringing Linda into my life!
Also, God blessed my family two years ago with a job offer for PA Man that DOUBLED his income!! Why would God do that when PA Man is so clearly NOT following Christ, and is slowly destroying our marriage??
I believe God did it for me and my family…PA Man now travels a lot, so he’s gone about 10-12 days out of the month, which is GREAT, but also, the income boost means we can take vacations that we never could before, planning an 8 day Caribbean cruise right now, AND if we do separate, it means that financially, I can (and will) ask for more alimony and child support.
Also, I’m able to put a little money aside…”just in case money”, ya know what I mean?? 😉
You know…I could be WAY off base here, but I choose to look at these things in my life as blessings from God, because HE loves me and he HATES the sin of passive aggression!!
To anyone reading this who is in a VERY abusive marriage…verbal hate thrown at you every day…threats of harm….or physical abuse….DO NOT stay because of what I’ve written here! GET OUT!!! GET OUT NOW!!
This is MY life, and I’m making it work….but if PA Man ever cheats again, or becomes more emotionally shut off from me, then I will have to make some decisions about my future, but for right now, this works for me!
All of us in these marriages have to do what we can do to survive…for me, I cut off all sexual intimacy a year ago….I felt used and then tossed aside until the next time he felt “a need” and I was tired of feeling that way!
Looking back, I now realize that that was having a huge impact on how I felt about myself…I now feel even more empowered, more in control…and that’s a GOOD thing!!
Until next time…xoxoxoxo