I Start Counseling Tomorrow

A quick update…I start counseling tomorrow.
I hope it works out, sooo many counselors just don’t get it, this PA lifestyle, but I really want to work on myself, since my marriage is pretty much gone.
It’s MY time now….no more working on my marriage or my husband.
I guess I’m a slow learner, LOL, but I just could NOT stop working on my husband and marriage….or maybe I just had such FAITH that God can fix anything, so I kept on trying??

But it’s not up to me to fix what’s broken….PA Man has to decide that he wants to fix himself….and sadly, that’s not the case….He’s happy with himself, in fact he just recently told me, after we had an argument, that he is FINALLY standing up for himself, and accused me of not liking it when he does!

Well no, that’s not true, I’ve always wanted him to stand up for himself….IF he was being treated wrong…like when his parents use to call and berate him for something they thought he could do better….it would make me so mad, he NEVER stood up for himself when they did that…and I couldn’t understand why he just sat there, silent on the phone, never defending himself…
But now he’s decided that I’m the enemy, and he has to “defend himself” against me…Ok. Whatever.

At this point, I’m just trying to live my life, doing what makes me happy.
As long as I’m pleasant to PA Man, go along with his Mr. Good Guy routine…there is peace in the house….so that’s what I’m doing.
I’ve finally figured it out….I set the tempo for our family…if I’m upset or angry with PA Man, everyone is impacted….But if I’m content, not angry with how PA Man acts….then things are almost normal.
So that’s what I’m trying to do now…I don’t expect anything from him, I do what needs to be done, my kids know they can depend on me, we are a team, my kids and me.
It really does help that PA Man is traveling a lot right now…He’s been gone the last two weeks, home on the weekends, then gone again….and he’s gone next week also. πŸ™‚ God is good to give us this break from PA Man…I pray it continues.

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4 thoughts on “I Start Counseling Tomorrow

  1. “in fact he just recently told me, after we had an argument, that he is FINALLY standing up for himself, and accused me of not liking it”

    Wow… I’ve heard this. In fact, so many things that I’ve expressed to him have been regurgitated back to me. I really think my husband doesn’t want to lose me, but I’m no longer sure at all that it equates to loving me.

    Passive aggressive men just always always always find whatever circuitous route, whatever distorted thought pattern, and whatever revisionist history is necessary, to end up as the victim. In their minds, no one understands them, appreciates them, respects them, and they are consequently fueled by a masked resentment that they feel entitles them to withhold love and relationship.

    You described how it is here. If I’m outwardly content, not angry with him etc., things are (or seem) almost normal.

    • I still find it fascinating that most of these PA men act pretty much the SAME way! Is there a manual they are secretly reading?? LOL

      No PJ. They don’t want to lose us, but they don’t want us either…they want to live an easy life…no worries, no criticisms, no emotions, no involvement with the kids, etc..BUT we need to be there when they decide they need us.
      I don’t know what’s going to happen to be honest…we get along ok, as long as I keep my mouth shut and pretend everything is fine…sigh…

  2. I actually laughed out loud reading his ”i’m standing up for myself”.. Mine said exactly the same thing and he also would let his own family walk all over him and believe they loved him, but that I never did. Yes, he was the eternal victim.. That jump from one bank to the other (marriage to divorce) seems uncrossable and too hard and too this and too that. But I can tell all the ladies here who are putting up with this that the jump is the hardest part. I thank my lucky stars day and night, that I made that crossing. Without him, I am captain of my own ship. My children have thrived in an environment they can be themselves – emotions and all!! Yes, even anger(respectful) is allowed! Imagine that – a whole gamut of real emotions and when that is allowed, the most common emotion is happiness and love. Leaping from my marriage and walking through that dark, dark valley (took 3 years at least) after break up was at the time the worst thing and now? Now it is the BEST thing I have ever done. I now see everyday I waited and waited for change or for better circumstances, better money etc. as days stolen from my life. He stole over 20 years of my life and now I have a chance to at least LIVE. Marriage to a PA man is not living. My new man adores me and even if it ends tomorrow – I will be grateful for him showing me what actual love is. The fact I can feel this way is a revelation to me. This experience is worth everything I went through to rid myself of my self pitying, covertly angry, closed off, contemptuous husband. The contrast between being with either man is unbelievably overwhelming at times and I wonder how many other people have actually felt love this way because if they are all out there feeling this then it has not been conveyed very well in literature or poetry. Good luck with your counselling. May it lead you to the true, right and JOYOUS path! xo

    • Bronze…I’m so happy for you! I love that your new man adores you….you deserve it! πŸ™‚
      I often remind myself of this Tim Tebow quote “I don’t know what my future holds…but I know who holds my future.” And this is my life right now…I KNOW that PA Man is never going to change…I’ve accepted it.
      He doesn’t care…plain and simple.
      So I’ve given myself 3 months, time to get counseling underway, before I make any decisions πŸ™‚ Just praying and staying as calm as possible….

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