Hello There :)

It’s been over a month since I posted…I don’t know why, just nothing much to say, I guess.

Things are moving along in this PA Life…And I’m happy, for the most part 🙂

I’ve  chosen the path that I’m happiest with, and for right now, it’s staying married to PA Man…I feel that this is what God is telling me to do…right now!

Recently  I was asked to be the Chairperson for a committee at our church…I’m really excited about it!

I just feel that God is opening these doors for me, and making my life full in other areas….since my marriage sucks! Also, I was asked to help out with another event at church, it’s just for one day, but it helps keep me busy and I love serving in these areas, so of course I said yes! 🙂

You know what’s really strange though…PA Man is NEVER asked to help out with activities at church and that’s kind of weird, since he’s there every Sunday, and most Wed. nights. All I can think is that God knows his heart, so maybe that’s why?

He has said things to me in the past…Wondering why he’s never been asked to serve on any committees…I don’t say anything, but I do wonder why he’s not asked, since he’s Mr. Happy Go Lucky at church and people really seem to like him….but you know what….you can fool people all the time…but you can’t fool God, NOT that I’m a saint…LOL, far from it! But God knows my heart, and how grieved it is over the state of my marriage!

Anyway, like I said, things are the same here. PA Man says he IS changing (he’s not) and that he’s not perfect, so I have to be patient.  When he says things like that, I just drop the subject, why argue over something like that? Those are empty words.

For right now I’m just doing what makes me happy. PA Man is asleep most nights by 8-8:30 and that’s fine by me! That means I only see him for a few hrs a day…and I can handle that!

I’m a strong woman, I always have been, and as my youngest son recently said to me, when he came to me about a situation and I told him to go ask his dad, “Mom, I’m not asking dad, you’re in charge around here, dad always gets angry and he doesn’t care anyway!”

Out of the mouth of babes…

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5 thoughts on “Hello There :)

    • Hi Seeing! I’m ok…nothing has changed much….unfortunately. I am starting counseling tomorrow though…to prepare myself in the eventuality of separation, in case it comes..
      I’m trying to do as Leslie Vernick says…staying well for the time being 🙂 How are YOU doing? I guess you saw me on Leslie’s blog? 🙂 That’s pretty much the only place I blog at right now…I love what she says and how biblical it is!

      • Yes, I saw you on Leslie’s blog. I agree with you – she really keeps it biblical. I feel safe taking her counsel because it is so scriptural and so balanced.

        How am I doing? Ugh. It is so hard to tell sometimes. Things shift around so much, especially because of my health issues, which are very real, but also very influenced by the shifting levels of stress and hope. Most of the time I am just so sick of it all! The last few days I feel like the blogs and comments I have been reading could have been written (for the most part) by me. Lately, it is especially the nice guy, friendly, helpful “husband” and dad. It’s so much like living in the twilight zone. He can give me no answer – in an obvious, palpable way – when I ask him to handle a transportation issue for one of our kids – one who is rejecting relationship with him because of who he is. Then when I make other arrangements (I can’t drive for health reasons), I’ve left him out! He would have done it! Then you can be tripping over him “helping out” in ways you don’t even want or need. Then it’s, G – o – o -o -o -d morning in a sing-song voice like all is right with the world and our family. A few days later, a child is telling me something Gregory (PA pseudo-husband) did that was significant enough to tell me about. I call him on it. Nope, he didn’t do it. Kid testifies in front of him, yes, you did. Nope, he didn’t. Standoff. End of story. Guess who I believe? And a few minutes later, he is excitedly telling me about what is going on at work like we are good friends. I can’t abide the lying and deception. I would NEVER, EVER trust this man in the least ever again. I find myself questioning everything that comes out of his mouth. In a conversation last summer he practically stated point blank that deceiving me was fine because it was about something that was none of my business. If he can rationalize lying based on whether I deserve the truth or not, what is he not capable of rationalizing away?

        So… I am trying to get out more. This has felt really good even to just talk to store clerks! People who smile at me!! I am working really hard with my therapist on calming my body down – I still get intense symptoms (adrenaline rush, blood pressure spike, heart racing) when I have to engage him on more than a superficial level. Then I have a crash when I come down from it. I am finding just a little success with some self-talk before our conversation, but it is so slow and so gradual. I am also working on detaching more internally so that I just don’t care what mood he is in, whether or not he speaks to me, etc. I have to do this for the sake of my health! Just when I feel a little better, I push so hard to catch up on some old work that has fallen behind and then I pay for it. Those are the hardest times because I feel so weak and vulnerable and I spiral downward. So I am also working really hard to try to pace myself – to live a healthy lifestyle and take care of my body.

        I do feel like God is moving behind the scenes. I have hope that He is coming and that I won’t be spending the rest of my life with Gregory. It’s subtle, but I believe He is in it. The hard part is the children, as always, and the effects on them, and the timing of things. My health is such an obstacle, but I know God can work with the situation, so I just keep taking the next step and waiting for him to light up the path a little piece at a time.

        I saw your post on going to counseling. I am praying for you today for direction and wisdom whether this person will work out or not. God bless you, Lonely wife.

        By the way, I am so happy for you that your husband travels so much. Oh, how good that sounds!!! 🙂

  1. Seeing The Light….wow, I’m so sorry it’s so bad for you! And dealing with a health issue on top of it! These men are sickos!! Truly they are! They flip a switch and become someone different so quickly!
    I’ve had the same thing happen to me…PA Man will say something to son#2 and my son will tell me, I confront PA Man, and with my son right there, he denies it! My son just walks away saying “Whatever dad!”
    I’ve told son#2 that for now on he can tell me what his dad said, but I won’t say anything to him….it does absolutely no good! He just makes us BOTH look crazy!! But like you, I believe my son!

    Yes, PA Man being gone a lot is a God send! And he just called and said that a business in Bogota that he went to in January is having trouble with a system he installed…..soooo, he might have to travel down there again! YAY!!!
    My boys and I get along fine without him here….we don’t miss him at all. But he’s done this to himself….I would love to miss my husband and run and throw my arms around him when he comes home…but I don’t.
    Thank you for praying for my session today…I’m nervous I will admit….I HATE crying in front of people, even a therapist, and I feel such frustration and hurt over my marriage….I cry everytime I talk about it! UGH!!
    I will be praying for you Seeing The Light…May God bless you in a mighty way!!!

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