Long post ahead…don’t say I didn’t warn you! 😉
Here’s my story…PA Mans office Christmas party was on Dec. 6th and I was excited!
This was the first year that the owner decided to have a party, usually he just has Christmas Eve lunch catered in the office for all the employees, which numbers around 35.
I’ve met several of PA Mans coworkers already, but I was looking forward to putting a face to a name, since PA Man talks about work All.The.Time.
It’s weird, but even my son #2 has noticed that…he recently told me “All dad talks about is work…it’s like he has nothing else to talk about, have you noticed that, Mom??”
Oh yes, I know that quite well!! And as I explained to son #2, “That’s all your dad has…his job. It defines him and makes him feel important.”
My husband IS a hard worker, for which I am VERY grateful and he works closely with the owner of the company, and gets a lot of praise for the work he does….and you know those PAs….they love it when they are praised and noticed for what they do, so of course, all of his attention is going to be directed towards the job…well, I guess that’s better than another woman…right?
Another woman…oh. So that brings me back to the Christmas party.
The party is being held on a dinner boat that sails on the river, and as you come on board, they take your picture, so of course PA Man and I stop and smile for the camera, then we make our way into the main dining room, to greet the owner and VP of the company…and then it happens!
We start walking towards the first group of people and I hear “PA Man…you’re here!! NOW we can get our picture together!!” And there stands a woman, arms thrown open wide, with a huge smile on her face!
I look at my freaking jerk of a husband, who has this big, sloppy grin on his face, and he laughs, looks down at me and says, “Lonely, this is Kelly We promised we’d take a picture with her, since John (her husband who also works for the company) doesn’t like his picture being taken!” (The “We” my husband referred to was two other guys in the office, who he SAID he was standing around with them as they talked about the office party, and of course Kelly was there, and she was complaining that she’d have to take a picture alone, because John didn’t like getting his pic taken, and my husband and these other two guys so gallantly stepped up and volunteered…ain’t they nice?? BTW, I don’t know if these other two guys were standing there, it’s what PA Man told me…but he lies, so who knows?)
Well dear blog readers, my radar moved into high alert status!!
Any of you reading this, who’ve been cheated on, you KNOW what I’m talking about!! The triggers come crashing in, you feel a bit panicked and short of breath, etc…and that’s exactly how I felt!!
I remember smiling, as he introduced me to all the other people standing there with Kelly…all the while my brain is processing… “Who is this…is he having another emotional affair…Oh My Gosh, he seems very happy talking to her, WHAT IS GOING ON???”
I’m now on auto pilot…meeting and greeting others that he’s introducing me to, but my mind is still churning as I process what I’d just seen. He looked HAPPY to see her!!!
And again, if you’ve never been cheated on, you might not understand what the big deal is…and that’s ok, BUT for a betrayed spouse…this is bad…bad, bad, bad!!!
The rest of the night passes in a blur, as we sit down for dinner, I make sure Kelly and her husband are on the other side of the boat, to my left, because I wanted to keep an eye on her AND my husband…because it seemed to me that their eyes kept cutting over to look at each other….you know that ol “look at someone out of the corner of your eye without turning your head” kind of look??
It could have been my imagination…I was pretty hyped up, but who knows, right?
So as dinner is winding down, a few people start dancing, PA Man and I are sitting across from each other, not really talking, in fact, as I went back over the evening in my mind, we were like two strangers, NO romance at all, just a word here or there, but we have absolutely NO connection at all!
So the other couple that we sat with are dancing, and I’m watching Kelly out of the corner of my eye, and I see her pointing to the dance floor, and talking to the girl on her right, who is shaking her head ” No”…obviously Kelly wanted to dance…her husband BTW, is sitting next to her, watching a football game on TV…he’s a HUGE sports fan and asked that the TV be turned on during the dinner so he could watch the game…a real winner, right?
He can’t even enjoy a two hour dinner cruise with his wife…so you KNOW that he does that at home, and I’m sure that doesn’t make for a happy home life, and that makes Kelly even more lonely, and lonely women are looking for a man to make her feel good about herself…are you following me here??
So it’s obvious to me, Kelly wants to dance….and all of a sudden she looks over our way, a good 25 ft and yells out “PA MAN”….and then points to the dance floor!!
OMG!!!! She’s now asking MY husband to dance!! Right there in front of everyone she felt COMFORTABLE enough to shout out my husbands name!
As I later pointed put to PA Man, as he tried to convince me that there is NOTHING going on, she didn’t call out Larry’s name…or Steve’s…she called out YOUR name!!
Anyway, WHY would she do that, unless they’d had quite a bit of conversation, unless she felt CONFIDENT in their friendship…a friendship he swears doesn’t exists…that he “barely talks to her, and when he does, it’s all work related, because after all, her husband also works there, his office is right across from mine!!” So he says.
So after she’s calls out his name PA Man laughs…again looking very pleased with himself, and shakes his head and says “No, no”…laughing all the time like he’s having a great time…and I’m sure he is, right?
I lean towards him and ask very quietly, “Is she asking you to dance with her?? What is going on here??”
Immediately, PA Man gets defensive, and says “Nothing! There’s nothing going on!!”
And it all goes downhill from there….we leave the boat 15 mins later, we get in the car, not a word is spoken for 10 mins until I finally ask if we are going to talk about what I just saw…and again, he’s argumentative and defensive…he later tells me that he felt I was “attacking him” LOL! Damn right I was!!
We get home, and I sobbing by now because I’ve now realized…in the four years since he had the emotional affair…he has learned..NOTHING. No boundaries are in place when it comes to other women…NOTHING!!!
I have wasted four years of my life trying to work with him, empathize with him over his abusive upbringing, praying for him, talking to him about the pain he has caused me…and it was all for nothing. It was all wasted on a selfish pig of a man, who only cares for himself.
I could tell you all a lot more…so much happened that week…but here are a few highlights…I slept in the other bedroom for two nights, sobbing myself to sleep…and he slept in MY beautiful bedroom, without a care in the world…nothing disturbs his precious sleep, not even a distraught wife!!
He left on Monday, two days later, for a business trip…and we hadn’t spoken a decent word between the two of us, only arguing on Sunday, when he accused me of going to the party, looking for something to accuse him over…It was pretty bad, so much so that son #2 told his dad to go upstairs and leave me alone.
I had told him to NOT call me while he was gone, that I didn’t want to talk to him…but he did call on Monday, and I never answered…by Tuesday he started calling son #2 who only talked to him briefly, telling him we were all fine. He didn’t want to talk to him either.
And that week, while he was gone, I moved HIM into the other bedroom…I was done.
He showed me who he truly is…a cold, selfish man who is also a liar, and has played my kind, loving heart like it’s a fiddle. But no more.
I am now out of the game…it’s time to stop fooling myself…my husband IS an abuser…and he doesn’t care about me or our family and I now understand that my marriage is broken, and it will never be repaired.
I’ve been using the time since the Christmas party to read and educate myself on men like my husband…and this time, unlike times in the past, I am open minded, and accepting that my husband is cruel and abusive…and that he will always be this way, under the mask of “kindness” that he shows to the world.
There’s a great post this week on A Cry For Justice blog about being in denial…and I have to admit….I’ve been in denial for a very long time.
But no more. I’m wiser now…the scales were ripped off my eyes and I can clearly see now what I didn’t want to see before.
I decided to come back to my blog because I need what everyone has to offer…and I need to have a place to express my frustration and my fears.
I stopped blogging because I knew it bothered PA Man, and I wanted to step away from some of the negativity…because let’s face it, these blogs can seem hopeless and negative at times, and I felt that maybe by stepping away, it would help me to be more positive, because that’s what my abuser was telling me…and as I still had the blinders on, I wanted to believe him.
But I see now that it was just his covert way of controlling me.
I’ve decided to stay married to PA Man for right now…but I am making plans for a future without him…I have some money hidden away and I feel it’s now time to open a secret savings acct.
My youngest son will be 18 in three years so that’s my goal, enjoy what life with PA Man has to offer, and in 3 yrs I’ll see where I stand.
I know this post sounds like my life sucks, LOL, but really it doesn’t! And that’s what makes this all so difficult!
We get along OK for the most part..probably about 85-90 percent of the time…but it’s the other 10-15 percent that sucks big time!
In fact, after the Christmas party fiasco, PA Man went back to counseling…he’d only gone twice in Oct. and made excuses for why he couldn’t go in Nov….but he went back in Dec. and this time he came clean about the two emotional affairs, and about me kicking him out of my bedroom!
He said his counselor Tom looked at him over his glasses after he told him about the affairs, and said, “Well, that’s quite a bit of info you left out, didn’t you?? We have a lot of work to do, PA Man, in a short amount of time!”
Of course Tom also told him that I was wrong to kick him out of the bedroom, that that wasn’t good, it will only create more emotional distance between us. LOL! And right he is! I WANT…NEED…CRAVE emotional distance right now!!
But I took all of that with a grain of salt, because really…who knows WHAT PA Man told Tom, you know? And who knows if PA Man is telling me the truth…Tom might have said “Good for her! She’s a smart woman!!” LOL!
So how is my life right now? It’s pretty good….PA Man leaves tomorrow for a 6 day business trip to South America…YAY!!!! Six whole days! Happy Dance!!
And I’m planning an 8 day cruise to the Caribbean in Sept. for the whole family! PA Man said he wants us to live life and be HAPPY, to forget the past (HA! Right!!) so I’m doing my best to make that happen!
Hey! Don’t judge! This is what PA Man wants…so as a good wife, I need to..ahem..”obey” my husband! 😉 But don’t worry…I’m on to him! I KNOW what he’s doing!! It’s called distraction…I get it. 🙂 But honestly…what better way to be distracted, right?? Warm Caribbean breezes, crystal clear water, and a cold drink in my hand…yeah, I’ll take it!
I figure I have about 3-4 yrs before I have to make any big decisions…and I’m going to enjoy that time as much as I can!
I don’t try to engage PA Man in any more “deep” healing talks, he doesn’t want it. Ok. Fine by me.
I am interested in becoming a wedding coordinator, so I’m getting info on how to go about doing that…I was asked by a friend to be her coordinator for her wedding last month, and I had a blast, and not to brag, I rocked it as a coordinator! Everyone told me it was a great wedding and I did a fantastic job, and things flowed so smoothly…even though the groom lost the brides wedding ring…twice!! 😮 And it was FUN!!!
So now I have a plan for my future and it feels good to know that I can take care of myself if need be.
So that’s it for now! I’m just enjoying my life, such as it is…I am blessed by my kids and DIL, and I have a few great friends who support me and listen when I need to talk…I have a church that I love and several ministries that I’m involved in…so I’m ok. I really am.
Have a great week…I’ll leave you with this…
“I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future.” ~Tim Tebow