So today PA Man asked me for the info for the counselor I told him about several weeks ago…and I gave it to him.
What he actually does with it, who knows??
But what I do know is that I don’t care anymore if he goes or not..
The last few weeks have been tense, so much so that my youngest son started speaking up and telling his dad that he NEEDS counseling, and telling his dad that he’s hurting our family by not getting help!
Last week (Thursday) he again mentioned counseling to his dad. And he asked PA Man to PROMISE he’d make an appointment the very next day, Friday, and PA Man promised…well, of course his promises are as empty as his heart…and he didn’t make the appointment…(I knew he wouldn’t!)
So on Saturday my son AGAIN asked his dad WHY didn’t he make the appt. and of course PA Man had all kinds of excuses…but my son called it what it is….a LIE!
Shame on YOU PA Man! Shame.On.You!!
Anyway, my son and I have really had some good talks the last few days…and I’ve encouraged him to pray for his dad, and when I pray with him at night before bed, I pray for PA Man, that he will trust God and do what’s best for our family.
But you know what’s happening now?
That scared kid, the one who if he heard the word D-I-V-O-R-C-E would start crying and plead with me to not divorce his dad….he now has told me he understands how it must hurt me that his dad lies to me…and he actually said today that maybe it WOULD be better for his dad to move out!!! Wow!!
I’m telling you, it HAS to be God working in his heart, giving him peace to trust that I will do the right thing and am trying to protect this family the best way I know how…even if that means asking his dad for a separation!
All of my children have said they will support me if we separate. I’ve had an opportunity this weekend to speak to each of them individually and to lay out all that has been happening, the “growling” incident, the anger, the silences, etc…
So it will come as no surprise when we do separate.
As of this weekend, one of us will be sleeping in the spare bedroom…I’m hoping PA Man will be a “gentleman” and move in there, but if not, I’ll be moving in.
Also, I won’t be making PA Mans lunch the night before…either he will be making his own lunch for work the next day, or he’ll buy junk fast food, which we don’t eat…it’s his choice. I stopped doing his laundry a while back, or else I would stop that also!
I’m setting more boundaries in place…he’s ignored the ones I’ve set in place so far…so moving into the spare room is a must. He needs to know I’m serious, that there is no more room for manipulation in MY life and home!
If he wants this marriage, he needs to work for it…because I refuse to do so. I’m done.
DIVORCED FROM ABUSE 
You seem to be fed up for real and laying the groundwork for separation. I’m with you, all for it. Your children are very intelligent. The one you speak of the most in this post – well, I think he is concerned about how a separation/divorce will affect his life. Will things change dramatically? Will we have to move? Will we become poor? My sister recently separated from her husband, and her teenage son had those questions. He knew the marriage was pretend and felt the tension and apathy. He’s in a private school and his number one question was, “Will I have to change schools”? He just wanted to know his life would go on with no disruptions.
One spouse cannot hold a marriage together. Especially when married to a man with a personality disorder. I’m glad you are making PAman suffer some consequences.
I agree. My children did not want their father back in the home. Their number one concern was whether there would be any disruption to their lives. I have managed to keep their lives stable and in the same house until my second child finishes high school and my youngest is open to the idea of moving, after I have been priming her for the last two years that it may be a possibility. She has one more year of school before the last two ”senior years” which are crucial to gaining the marks necessary for entry into university. So as long as she is settled before then she doesn’t mind. Also, the relationship with their father is a LOT less tense than it was inside the home. He was a silent, recalcitrant, moody and angry presence. Now, he has no responsibilities and can be the ‘uncle’ Dad every second weekend, he is a lot better. No, he still doesn’t meet even my lowest criteria for a parent but I have let that go, in a large part because I was the only one upset by it. The kids accept it for what it is and are ok with having only one parent that seems to care about their inner life and their future. They have a very superficial, monetary, casual relationship with their father, which seems to suit both sides. He has the money for fun and they don’t begrudge that I don’t. One thing has also been the sheer amount of time I get off as a parent. It doesn’t sound like a lot but 3 nights a fortnight are a crazy amount of kid free time for someone who has been a parent and taken care of all parenting duties previously 24/7. Of course, the fact they are no longer little kids makes it easier and the older they get the calmer I become. I did not leave my kids alone with their father when they were toddlers after numerous events showed me he had no idea how to keep toddlers safe and didn’t care enough to learn. I also never let him take them to the pool or beach before I had made sure they were competent swimmers. Once, I knew they could feed themselves, cross roads, swim, bathe, use a telephone etc. the decision to leave became much easier. My son stepped up big time into a parenting role for his sisters, while at his Dads in the early days. PA your son sounds super thoughtful, as do all your children. I believe you really are being given a sign that some of your fears for them will be allayed. Take Care. Also, watch PAman – now you are putting in these consequences it’s very likely he will up the ante. 🙂
Yes Bronze….I believe God is readying my family for what is coming…separation! We’ve come a long way, baby!! LOL!
And I am SOOOO happy that my kids are older….God help these moms that have young kids at home!! Ugh!
Alone….you’re so right…one spouse cannot hold the marriage together and I’m tired of trying…All my children are seeing the truth now, and that makes me very happy!!
That is terrific! 😀 Now all you have to do is hold on….the storm will be brewing and when it breaks…face if bravely (at least in front of him), for it will be a vicious storm, and know you are on the side of truth.
God works his miracles when we learn to get out of His way and trust that He knows best.
Thank you Gaining!! YES…I’m prepared for whatever happens….We don’t really talk anymore, so it’s easier to ignore him…most days!!
How healthy that your son recognises a lie for a lie and doesn’t make excuses for that behaviour. I have no doubt that PAman will rack up his behaviour- but often I found it easier to see when it was less subtle. Good luck with your new life!
Thank you paescapee…I truly feel that God is opening my sons eyes to what is going on, so that he’ll be ok with separation when the time comes!!