Part 2

So in my last post I talked about some of what happened this past weekend…there was more, but by this time we ALL know how this PA stuff works, so I won’t bore you.
Anyway, I told my friend Paula http://www.tearingatthefabric.wordpress.com that I knew how to calm things down, and placate PA Man…Hey! I’m the CEO at Peacefakers, Inc!! I CAN do this!!

Then…THEN Leslie Vernick, and if you’re a reader of this blog at all you KNOW I admire the work she’s doing to bring more attention to the epidemic of silent abuse within the Christian community, writes this….

Does Love Cover A Multitude of Sins?
By Leslie Vernick
We often hear “Love covers a multitude of sins” which makes us hesitant to confront sin or implement consequences when we have been sinned against. The Bible does tell us, ‘It is good for us to overlook an offense’ (Proverbs 19:11). In addition, Jesus makes it clear. We are not to judge or condemn anyone (Matthew 7:1,2).
God instructs all his followers to forbear with and forgive one another. We know we all fail one another (James 3:2), and we know that Jesus tells a person to take the log out of their own eye before attempting to deal with the speck in someone else’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). To bring up each and every offense in any relationship would become tiresome indeed.

Love does cover a multitude of sins but not all sins. Paul tells believers that we are to distance ourselves from those who claim to be believers yet live immoral and destructive lives (1 Corinthians 5:11).

He instructs us to warn those who are lazy (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and that we ought not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11). Paul also encourages believers to restore someone who is caught in a trespass (Galatians 6:1) and James exhorts us to bring a brother back who has wandered from the truth (James 5:19), When someone deeply offends us, Jesus says we’re to go talk with them so that our relationship can be repaired (Matthew 18:15-17).

Yes, we ought to forgive and forbear, overlooking minor offenses hoping others will do the same for us. And, we are to speak up when someone’s sin is hurting them, hurting others, or hurting us. Biblical love takes both paths. Godly wisdom helps us discern which path is needed for any particular situation.

Serious and repetitive sin is lethal to any relationship. We would not love the destructive person if we kept quiet and colluded with his self-deception or enabled his sin to flourish without any attempt to speak truth into his life (Ephesians 4:15).

Yes, we are called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love, however, let’s not put a heavy burden on ourselves or someone else to do something that God himself does not do. God is gracious to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have close relationship with both. He says our sins separate us from him (Isaiah 59:2; Jeremiah 5:25).
When someone repeatedly and seriously sins against us and is not willing to look at what he or she has done and is not willing to change, it is not possible to have a warm or close relationship even if we’re married to that person.
We’ve misrepresented unconditional love sometimes to mean unconditional relationship. Jesus’ conversations with the Pharisee’s are examples of him challenging their self-deception and pride so they would repent and experience true fellowship with him (Matthew 23). He loved them, but they did not enjoy a loving or safe relationship. Jesus never pretended otherwise.

Let’s not pretend or placate in relationships just to keep the peace. Jesus never did and he loved perfectly.”

Ok…did you catch that last sentence?? “Let’s not pretend or placate in relationships just to keep the peace. Jesus never did and he loved perfectly.”

YIKES!!! Oh, well, hmmmmm, ok.. I guess maybe God has a message for me. Stop being so fake. Stop trying to placate PA Man and keep the peace, you Peacefaker you!!
Lean on me, TRUST me to take care of this situation!

So today I cried and prayed and prayed and cried…I told God He’s now in charge, that I have to let Him work…because you see, I wasn’t willing to do that, I was afraid of what God would do….but I have to let go, because to be quite honest, my way just ain’t workin!!

So if you’re a Christ follower, please pray for me, because this isn’t easy. I’m use to being in control, I’ve HAD to be in control, because living with a PA you can easily lose yourself otherwise.

But it’s time. Seeing PA Mans anger on Saturday, the anger I talked about in Post 1…well, it truly showed me that he has A LOT of buried anger and resentment…and I can’t deal with that. It’s beyond me…it’s a God thing.

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19 thoughts on “Part 2

  1. I gave my troubles to the Lord. I still foolishly worry, but I did trust God and knew whatever the outcome, it was to be God’s way, in God’s time, and God’s will. I still worry and when it gets out of hand, God gently guides me back to sanity. It’s happened too many times for it to be anything else but God’s love.

    It sounds like you are nearing the end. Just remember God’s timeline doesn’t always line up with our timeline.

    • Yes Gaining, I am slowly seeing just how destructive PA Man is, and how wrong he truly is! He has a sinful heart, a heart that is cold towards God…so now God has to deal with him, in his time…

  2. It’s a daily surrender and a hard walk of faith and I am learning it, too. Sometimes surrender and faith feel like hanging by a thread, but it is a very strong thread. I said in my comment to Part 1, but I will say again, that I am praying for you.

    • I’m learning that Seeing, it’s a daily thing…every.single.day. And again, thank you for praying for me! Please don’t stop! I KNOW it’s going to get worse…But I keep remembering Exodus 14:14 The LORD will fight for you while you keep still.”
      I’m actually getting this tattooed on my left wrist, it will be small, but a daily reminder 🙂

  3. Any news on the counseling? I know you’ve said that counseling does not help PA behavior, but it seems a PA man needs to hear it from someone other than his wife or he will never listen. In my case, although Daniel can be reasoned with, he does have these tendencies – it seems cultural to me. That ATM scene was classic. We went through almost the same enactment several years ago. It was all my fault. Something similar happened again recently. He looked at me, took a deep breath, and said, “I should have taken care of that sooner.” He could think this through because our last counselor pointed these things out to him and showed him how. It took a while to sink in, but he’s getting it now.

    Whatever path God wants for you, I will be praying for your well-being and happiness. Stay strong, Lonely. Your light shines brightest when it is dark. That doesn’t mean you have to stay in the dark – just let go and leave it to God. He will make a way. Love & prayers for you, my friend ~DJ

    • Thank you so much DJ! Your support means a lot to me…you know that! 🙂
      I’m praying that God will speak to PA Mans heart and he will turn from this way of living…but if not, I’m going to have to make some painful decisions soon!

      I love reading about the changes happening in Daniels life! It’s exciting to see it happening…gives me hope for PA Man and myself! 🙂

      Thank you for praying…I need it..and so does PA Man!

      • DJ, I did, about 6 weeks ago…and I liked the guy when I talked to him, he said he doesn’t believe in labels, he believes in a hardened, sin filled heart that needs to turn to God…he has forms online for you to fill out and turn in before you make an appt. so he can already know what’s going on, and also get to know you better…he said that saves time, and he can start dealing with issues a little quicker 🙂

        So far PA Man hasn’t asked for the website so he can print out the forms, even though I told him about them….so it’s a waiting game.
        My youngest son did say to me last night, “Mom, I forgot to ask dad when he’s going to counseling..I’ll do that tomorrow!”

        He’s been asking him everyday since last Friday…bless him! He sees that there’s a problem and wants his dad to get the help that he needs, before it destroys our family completely…

  4. Just wanted to comment on counseling. Don’t waste your time hoping that it will help. Unless your husband is escorted into his session with an expert on PA that will tell the therapist what his problem is, the therapist will most likely never receive the necessary information to help him. Be realistic. If your husband goes into counseling and says, ‘ I want to improve my marriage’ then imagine all the topics that will come up……….working too hard, stress, sex/infidelity, depression, unappreciative wife, stressed wife in middle age/menopause and moody, finances/retirement, not enough fun in life. Trust me, you’ll be waiting until the dinosaurs are ruling the earth once again. There’s a million plus other topics to discuss in therapy that will skirt around the character disorder and even worse will lead to positive affirmations that reinforce his selfishness.

    Norman’s therapist isn’t helping him at all and it’s a big fat waste of money. I don’t know what they talk about since I only hear Norman’s side of the conversation but, when ever I mention the words, ‘ Passive-Aggressive’ he makes an ugly face, rolls his eyes and dismisses me. All the therapist tells him is to have more fun and not work so much. So now, all Norman does is plan fun activities and I’m still left being the mother/adult as always- managing the expenses, managing the house, managing my move, etc.. FUN? I’ve not had one day of fun since I met Norman because I was always too busy making his life a cake walk so that HE had time to have fun. Even on the rare event that we took a vacation, I had to be the one to manage all the details and then be the one to keep hotel rooms tidy, check in/out, etc… My time would have been better spent taking a bus load of under- privileged kids to a theme park.

    • Exodus…I already talked to the counselor several weeks ago, he told me that he doesn’t believe in labels, He believes in sinfilled hearts that haven’t turned to God!
      He has a form on his website that he wants PA Man to fill out and send to him a few days BEFORE his first session, so that they don’t waste time on pleasantries and they can get right to the heart of the matter!
      I remember one if the questions asked about his relationship with Jesus Christ, does he attend church regularly, does he have a personal time in prayer and bible reading daily. Etc…And if it EVER gets to the point that PA Man actually does print out the papers and fill them out, you can be sure I WILL check his answers!
      If I’ve had to play his “Momma” in every other aspect of his life, I’ll do it now to make sure he doesn’t lie and sugarcoat his crap! LOL!

      I did mention to Tom, the counselor, about PA Man going for three sessions at another Christian counseling center a couple years ago…Tom dismissed that counseling center right away…his words? “Well, no disrespect to XYZ Counseling, but you won’t get that kind of counseling with me! I do things totally different…I believe that a persons sinful heart is the problem, not issues from their past!”
      LOL! Havta say, I liked hearing that!! XYZ Counseling was all fluff if you ask me…They are a Christian group of counselors, but I felt they wasted our time when we went for our 4 sessions…

      And I think that’s why PA Man is dragging his feet even though I’ve heard “I’ll go to counseling, I want to move on past all of this, I want us to be HAPPY!” Or, “I have no problem with counseling,” Or, “I’m not afraid of counseling, but I’ve been so busy with work, I’ll go as soon as I can!”

      But honestly I’m not holding my breath that counseling will make a difference…I’m sure IF PA Man does go he’ll bail as soon as Tom holds him accountable!

    • If your husband goes into counseling and says, ‘ I want to improve my marriage’ then imagine all the topics that will come up…There’s a million plus other topics to discuss in therapy that will skirt around the character disorder and even worse will lead to positive affirmations that reinforce his selfishness.”

      That was my experience.

      I don’t think they are purposely lying to the counselors. Passive aggressive men truly don’t believe they’re the problem.

      • They never consciously do anything ( in my ‘expert’ opinion 😀 )- tell the truth or lie- though they are pathological liars who do believe their own story. Where’s the commitment to do anything? They go through life like mindless lemmings with a basket of excuses for everything they do, don’t do, say or not say. Norman still can’t tell his therapist what he wants. Norman asked me what I want and I just told him that it didn’t matter what I wanted because I’m not the problem. So, I asked him the same question, he struggled and finally said, ‘ Well, I’d like to go to Norway or fishing’. Norway or fishing? Wow..where in the world did he come up with that? He must have been reading the Nat’l Geographic Expedition edition. I hope he tells his counselor that but I know he won’t because he’ll forget all about Norway and fishing by next week.

        I told Norman that I hope he never regains consciousness because reality might just scare him to death.

  5. Oh yes, I remember you told us about the counselor you found. I like the idea of your kids getting on his case.

    I’m not sure I would be comfortable with the counselor only hearing his side of things. Just a thought…

    • Yes DJ, I’ve thought of that, but honestly, if he’s going to lie to the therapist then that will show his true colors, won’t it? And it will make my decision easier…I have no plans to put myself in the “hot seat” in the counselors office…Counseling will be for PA Man…and either he takes it serious, or he doesn’t…If he does…Great! Our marriage might be restored! If not, then he will lose his family!

      • Ok, I gotcha. You know I am behind you 100 percent – just making sure you have thought it out from different perspectives. I just really hate to see you hurting. You are such a bright light in the world.

  6. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I am praying double time for you. I am doing a personal challenge about incessant prayer and I am including you in it. I’m so glad to hear that you are drawing closer to God. He really does work miracles that will be the best for your life. Go for the best that God has for you!

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