False Hope-ium Part 1

Part 1…. I emailed a friend about how my weekend had gone…and when she expressed concern that things here in the passive aggressive “love pad” were about to come to a head, I assured her that I knew how to placate PA Man and “play nice” so that he’d calm down…and I fully intended to do that, and then I received a new post from Leslie Vernick…and it showed me that I was wrong.
For me, I think that God is telling me to get out of the way and let HIM work!

But first, here’s a little background to what happened this weekend…

On Saturday, PA Man actually GROWLED at me! I kid you not!! He GROWLED!!!

We were in the car, after having a really nice dinner out the night before, where I felt that PA Man actually listened to me..I know, that ‘ol Hope-ium raised it’s ugly head again!!
So I felt our dinner and talk went well, and I felt a small connection, and it put a little bounce in my step, until Saturday morning…:/

We had to go through the ATM at the bank, and since I’d lost my debit card a few days earlier…PA Man had to use his debit card to withdraw some cash….Well, it asked for his PIN number…and since he had never taken the time to call the bank and request a new PIN number…in the last 10 months….it was MY fault for losing my debit card!!

As he threw the car in gear, and left the parking lot, he looked at me and said, “You HAD to lose your debit card, didn’t you??”

And I replied very calmly…remember, I was still in la-la land over the “connection” we had made the night before, I said “Well, you never did get your new PIN number, so why blame me? It’s not like I lost my ATM card on purpose… See PA Man, this is our problem, as soon as something goes wrong, we start blaming each other instead of being kind to each other…we don’t talk nice to each other.”
And yes, I said WE, hoping that by saying that, he would not feel threatened!

Well. That did not go over well at all! PA Man: I do NOT want to talk about it! We did that last night! Just give it a rest!!

Me: What? I can’t say anything to you about our relationship because we (I) talked about it last night? That’s what healthy relationships do, PA Man…they talk about any issues or problems, when they occur!”
Again this point we’re sitting at the traffic light, and PA Man turns his head away from me, towards his left shoulder and he GROWLS!!! YES! Like a dog nipping at his shoulder, he growled!
I was shocked and said, “WHAT was that?? Did you just growl?? OMG…you did, you growled! Why??”
And in a very tight, angry voice he told me, “I do NOT want to talk about it!”

Wow! I sat there stunned! His anger at me was right there, in my face…his deep, smouldering resentment on full display.
I was quiet the rest of the way home, maybe 2 mins…When we pulled up in the driveway, he went into the house for the checkbook…and I climbed over into the drivers seat…and I left!!

No way was I going ANYWHERE with a man who A. Never meant a word he said at dinner the night before..which admittedly wasn’t much :/ And B. Has so much anger simmering beneath the surface..anger towards me!
Yes PA Man, when you growled like that, you slipped up…your cool facade was gone and I saw the TRUE person that was lurking beneath…and I didn’t like it!

Anyway, there’s more to the story, like him calling me, DEMANDING I come home RIGHT NOW! He was really pissed! I told him that I wasn’t coming home with him having THAT kind of attitude…and that I would run the errands myself, in fact I preferred being by myself!

Wow…the “connection” and “understanding” I felt we had from the night before was blown away like the lies it was based on!!

So that’s where I am today…it was a rough weekend, what happened on Saturday was never discussed, nothing new there, that’s the way it always is.

I did say to him Sunday evening, again in the car, as we were heading out to a long standing dinner with friends, “PA Man, we never talked about what happened yesterday, we never do, but I want you to know you’re like a cancer, eating away at our marriage until it’s going to die a slow death.”
PA Mans response, “I understand.”

Hmmm, No, I really don’t think you do PA Man…but one day, you will.

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12 thoughts on “False Hope-ium Part 1

  1. Lonely, that is seriously demented! Growling?!?! I can almost picture it, though. I think your PA man has historically been a more polished version than some PA men from what you’ve shared, but at the end of the day I am coming to believe pretty near the same beast is hiding under most of the varied facades. I truly believe there is a narcissist or a sociopath or both underneath the veneer of most of them. (And I never would have believed that about Gregory for many years; now I do).

    I had an eventful weekend of engagement with Gregory myself. I commented about it on another blog. It left me so weakened – chest pain, breathlessness, nerves drained – I still feel like a rag doll. Mentally and emotionally I feel like a zombie. It’s so other-worldly – like some alien species from Star Trek or something developed the technology to suck life itself from your cells. I kind of hoped a good cry would help, but I can’t even cry. It’s like that was taken, too. It’s one of the most frightening feelings I have had in this whole process. I have hit a new level of realizing the danger of engaging him. I had felt convicted that God would have me put some things in front of Gregory in a way that I hadn’t before – a last plea so to speak to see and take responsibility and soften his heart. Well, I did what I had to do and I don’t think I will have to do it again, but it cost plenty.

    I guess when I read your post I wanted to say I can almost feel some of your surprise as you peel back the layers and see the beast (a growling beast at that) underneath. I had thought there was nothing left to surprise me and this weekend showed me it goes even deeper than I thought. In the same conversation, I saw such ugliness, such a poisonous mentality, and fake sincerity of understanding. There is no end to the inconsistency. But – he can no longer effectively conceal the hostility, the arrogance, the entitlement, the complete and total apathy regarding my well-being, as well as the willingness to fake enough of whatever he thinks I am looking for to keep the charade going. It’s not worth trying to unravel anymore. For those of us who are Christians, we know the devil is our enemy (I am not saying these men are on his level, I am just using the analogy) and we know enough about him to know we don’t want to get to know him any better than we know him now and we know to be on our guard where he is concerned. I have hit the same level here. I have seen enough and I don’t need to see anymore. I know where I stand. I leave him to himself and to God.

    Be on your guard, Lonely. Don’t swallow anymore false hope-ium πŸ™‚ It’s hazardous to your health πŸ˜‰ Don’t trust him. Don’t let your shield down. They have the capacity to damage us and our children in so many ways. May God guide, direct, and defend you. I am praying for you.

    • Seeing the Light…yes, peeling back the layers…that’s a perfect way to describe it!
      I’m going to write a post about it later, how I always compared myself to him…he IS very polished!
      Seeing…I do believe that our husbands are caught so deep in sin, that what we are seeing is a total corruption of the heart…PA Man has sooo much pride, and we all know what the bible says about pride!!

      Thank you for praying for me! I pray for all of my blogger friends…we need each other, and we all need prayer!! πŸ™‚

  2. Yes. . . when you stop or even slow down the placating. . . expect to see an increase in bad behavior.

    Last year was the worst for me. . . included being cussed out and hung up on while on the phone and having screw drivers flung in my general direction. (In all our years together I’d never seen that. I’d seen objects thrown while something was being fixed (husband is handy) but NEVER while he was angry with me. And let’s face it – these guys are angry all the time. )

    Was the moon full or something this past weekend? I also had another . . . incident. . . at my home that caused me to sneak out early with my daughter on Saturday morning & join friends who were camping. I left my husband a note just saying that it seemed like he needed some space and we’d see him Monday. (Yes, I really did sneak. Turning the fan on at night when I went to bed helped – the white noise covered us.)

    I feel for you, Lonely.

    • Jane D. I feel for ALL of us! I pray that God will intervene in my husbands heart, but if not, I’m prepared to go it alone!
      This way of living is NOT healthy for us and our children, and it’s NOT honoring to God!

  3. “Hmmm, No, I really don’t think you do PA Man…but one day, you will.”

    I was going to write that they will never understand, but I erased it…because they do understand it’s all our fault! πŸ˜€ How simple is that, why don’t we understand? LOL πŸ˜€

    It gets harder as you stop taking care of them and catering to them. They do become increasingly….unstable (that’s how it seems). I don’t know if they are trying to create fear and confusion in us or they just don’t know what to do. During our marriage it was I who lost my temper and sometimes raged at him, but after I stopped taking care of him and reacting to his taunts and mind games, it was he who lost control. I think this confused him and really bothered him that he couldn’t control himself. πŸ˜€ The more I pulled away, the meaner he became.

    Did he change? No, but he truly believed by saying good-morning to me he was trying. LOL You can’t make these crazy stories up. I was mean for not responding in a cheerful way. πŸ˜€ You know…the old he was trying, but I wasn’t trying. πŸ˜€

    • GS…Yes, PA Man ALWAYS tells me that he’s TRYING, but I just don’t want to see it! Really?!?!? I don’t want to see it? That’s crazy! Yes, I WANT to have a crappy relationship…YES, I want to live with my stomach in knots? Like I said, Crazy!!
      And PA Man calls me, “Love” and I ignore it! I’m not his Love…he doesn’t know how to LOVE! Ugh!!!

  4. I really identified with Gaining Strength, as I never saw anger in him until I stopped taking responsibility for his problems and then I saw a seething rage- all my fault of course.

  5. Oh yes, my ex growled during rages. I had forgotten he did that. I got used to it along with all other kinds of nasty behaviors. Isn’t the mind fascinating and strange and protective? Coping mechanisms to deal with abuse, chaos, drama. violence and instability. I also remember his eyes would turn black while raging at me, and I would look into those evil pupils, just amazed at the level of ugliness, poisonous thinking, hate…And he’d scream, “STOP LOOKING IN MY EYES!!!!” I used that glass wall mechanism during those times to insulate myself.

  6. Amazing how the right message came to you at the right time, lonely. Playing his game seems to have been futile. I like Leslie’s work so much – especially with the way she interprets the Christian take on life, and how the bible can be read in a more empowering way. Love to you my dear friend. If I was a praying girl, I’d be doing it xxx.

    • Thank you Paula! And yes, I do believe God was directing my path, and I’m learning that I have to lean on Him…trusting him for my future!
      And YES Leslie Vernick is amazing…kinda like Jen Hatmaker πŸ˜€

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