TRUTH!!

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”

― Henry Cloud

I LOVE this quote!

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11 thoughts on “TRUTH!!

    • Yes, very true. I think that this has been the problem with PA Man, he’s so very comfortable, I’ve not kept to any of the ultimatums I’ve given him because I thought it was the best thing for my boys, to keep the family together.
      But now I see that he is so comfortable that he’s never felt ANY of the pain of his actions…never really had any consequences….but that is changing!
      I’ve let him now of a few things that will be changing…he wasn’t happy, but oh well…too bad!!

      • Lonely, if there’s any one piece of sage advice I can offer you at this point , it’s to be very open minded, calm and gentle in your thinking. What I mean is that when we get fed up and get an attitude, we often say and do things in a desperate and defensive state of mind which is not good for anyone. Be calm and steady in your thoughts but keep them to yourself. Don’t threaten your husband by warning him of your plans. Just be calm and steady. I’ve made the mistake Lonely of blowing and throwing out threats that I couldn’t live up to anytime soon and Norman knew that and was laughing at me the entire time. Empty threats just empower them and end up making us look like fools. Silence is golden.

        Although you and I know that our Normans have it made and do not care about us or our happiness and well-being, it’s never going to fully sink in to our kind hearts and over active conscience that these men are what they are. I’ve had to put those thoughts away and realize that I need to quit trying to figure out what is wrong with Norman and just accept that I don’t like him..PERIOD. I don’t want him or anyone like him in my life ever again and after this, I can assure you that even the slightest indication of poor character will send me running to the hills as if I had jet fuel attached to my behind.

        Be calm, respectful and kind but keep your thoughts about getting out to yourself until you’re ready to go. Leave the drama and chaos and hurt behind and focus on your kids and yourself and being as happy as you can right now.

        I’m so glad I don’t have kids given how negligent and uncaring Norman is. It just brings up a rage within me imagining him being so selfish and cruel to a child or animal. I don’t know. Sometimes I think if I had kids I would have left a long time ago but who knows?

  1. Lonely,
    I have the same thoughts as you do every day- those thoughts about how we’re still young enough to start over and what healthier relationships look like and such. The thing is that although these men are troubled, there’s also two sides to this relationship ( enabler/us) and I know that I have to get out of here before I can begin working on myself so that I’m no longer a magnet for these types of people. I know that the world today is full of wacko nutjobs and there are so many awful men out there. That’s one of the reasons I stayed here so long. I just figured that what I had was the best of the worst out there in the world. Nonetheless, we shouldn’t settle for less. At our age, there’s got to be some left over gentlemen out there in the world.

    I don’t think it’s wrong to talk about separation but I wouldn’t do it unless you are absolutely certain that you’re going to. It’s probably best to let him go to counseling and just keep doing your thing while looking for those opportunities to build a better life for yourself. Maybe if your husband feels that he really does have something to work for (marriage) that he will put the effort into helping himself. Maybe not.

    Counseling can be a good thing but as you know, it’s causing a lot of problems for me right now. Norman’s emotions get stirred up and he comes out of counseling sessions a very manic hyper desperate and angry confused man. The drama never ends. Holy cow, I’m just so beaten down and so ‘tired’ of all this. My health is declining as well.

    • Please get away as soon as you can, Exodus! Don’t let your health be compromised! It’s sooo not worth it!
      I’m like Marsocmom in a lot of ways…our husbands are PA, but they act like little boys….PA Man isn’t abusive in the direct sense of the word…it’s more the emotional loneliness that sneaks up on me and gets me going!
      He doesn’t go out of his way to hurt me, at least not that I can tell, I can spend money freely and he doesn’t care…in fact, he encourages it!
      If friends want to go out to dinner, he’s all for it…BUT I have NO emotional support from him at all and I NEED that so much!

      I feel the lack of emotional intimacy so much since his emotional affair 4 yrs ago.
      I want a husband I can depend on to have my back, not stick a knife in it, you know?? LOL!

      Anyway, you’re right….I keep making plans, I shut my mouth, hard for me to do, LOL, and just let things play out…for now!
      Thanks for your support Exodus! I pray for you daily, my friend!!

  2. Lonely,
    It sounds to me like your husband is riddled with so much guilt ( for one or more reasons) or that he’s just using his marriage as a cover story to conceal something else and essentially ‘ pays’ you to stay with him and he feels that should be enough to satisfy your needs and his debt to you. You’re right…it’s a terribly lonely way to live. You’re not his prostitute, your his wife! When there isn’t any spiritual connection with a spouse, you basically have nothing at all- certainly no reason to be married unless the two of you mutually agree that it will be platonic, open and are able to establish what roles each will perform…cook, clean, pay bills, earn income, etc.. This arrangement isn’t for everyone but many couples live this way today because it’s so difficult to survive alone in our American economy and it’s a gamble trying to find a housemate that you can like and feel safe with. I know several mature couples that live this way to save money.. Then there are other couples that swing all the time. Church people too!! I’m not suggesting you two do that!! I’m just commenting on how marriage and family values have changed so much. Strange world we live in today.

    All the nasty lewd porno and trash on TV..it’s really so disheartening and shallow and it fuels narcissism in men- especially men. this is why so many men today have intimacy and performance issues in bed…..they have become cyber sex addicts and can’t perform in the real world with real women. G-d help me when I enter, if I ever enter, the dating scene again. Porno is a deal breaker for me.

    • Hey…sorry, I guess I should have clarified it a bit more….PA Man isn’t into porn as far as I’ve ever seen…and I’ve checked, especially after the emotional affair came out!!
      What I meant by that is that he’s not verbally abusive, and he doesn’t go out of his way to make things difficult for me, etc….
      And yes, I think porn would be the end of things for me…but I said that about infidelity also :/
      Maybe we could make it as roommates, LOL! That’s a thought! LOL!

      • No, no…I understood. I was just commenting on how porn has infected our culture and destroyed so many marriages.

        Housemates might be a solution for both of you. I wonder what he would say if you asked him how he would feel about an open marriage?

        A few years ago, a very nice man in his 50’s that I use to fiddle with ( musicians) was sharing a house with his wife but they led entirely separate lives. Anyway, the agreement was that they would continue to live there and support each other and if either one met someone and wanted a divorce, they would move forward. Eventually my friend did decide to marry again and he and his wife divorced and her best friend moved in. It’s so nice when everyone can be friendly. Both my friend and his wife were lovely people who really did care about each other ( ironically) but they were not happy as marital partners- different personalities, different interests, etc.. Plus, people change- especially in midlife.

        My ex husband, the psychologist, once told me that humans are not meant to be monogamous and that it’s a miracle that any of us ever are. I think he wanted to have an affair…….just kidding! He was a very faithful and honest man. Truly.

        I think you and I should start our own reality show of two wives with 20 husbands. Sister Wives II !!! hahahah

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