I haven’t written a blog post for over a week now…I think I’ve been a bit depressed. I can’t seem to find my usual happiness and joy in life.
Life with PA Man has gotten more tense…I knew this would happen, once I stopped living a Peacefaker life and put up some boundaries.
PA Man is very resentful, and we are both snipping at each other daily and barely talking…any connection we had is totally gone!
Tonight I’d had enough, and I mentioned separation once again….I told him I think it’s for the best.
#2 son asked me last Friday what was going on. He said that he’s noticed that PA Man and I don’t talk to each other, even at dinner, and that there’s tension in the house.
So I told him the truth, that I’ve put up certain boundaries, and his dad doesn’t like it. I don’t think he’s not going to be surprised when we separate.
Anyway, when I mentioned separation, PA Man didn’t say anything…other than tell me he will go to counseling…LOL, now where have I heard that before??
I really don’t think he cares or he doesn’t take me serious…but I am serious!
I just don’t care anymore..
Son #4 has really been doing A LOT of his OCD behavior the last several days…he had calmed down for a bit, but now it’s ramped up again!! ~Sigh~ I KNOW it’s because of the tension in our home…I know he senses it.
PA Man told me that I said I would find him a counselor…and I said “Yes, I did say that, but I’ve seen you on the computer looking for new cars, I’ve seen you on the computer reading the news…and yet, you can’t research and find a therapist…so maybe you should just take the time and find one for yourself!”
So he said he would.
LOL…You can stop laughing!! You know and I know he WON’T…but lets let him live in his fantasy world, ok??
So anyway…a little mild depression as I see my marriage crumbling right before my eyes…as I see my youngest son ramp up his anxiety and OCD behavior…but what can I do?
I’ve given it my best shot…but when you’re dealing with a mental disorder like Passive Aggression…there is no hope. No hope for change.
I bawled like a baby yesterday…I’ve wasted almost 4 yrs since DDay (discovery day of the affair) trying to rebuild my marriage…and it was all for nothing.
In 20 yrs I’ll be 73…My gosh!! So old…my life almost over. And I have nothing to show for it other than my boys….and just how screwed up will they be as they mature and get married?
I really can’t wait for my sister to get here…she will be such an encouragement to me, she’ll help me move on, with strength and hope.
I wonder if this has been Gods plan all along? PA Man was offered a fabulous job over a year ago….the company contacted him and practically BEGGED him to come work for them and it doubled his income…which does make it financially possible to separate…and now my sister, my encourager, is moving here…Maybe God is telling me to stop trying to save something that isn’t worth holding on to…maybe God is saying…Let It Go.