An Explanation

I thought I’d give a explanation for my recent decision to make plans to separate from PA Man.
I know what I’m about to share might seem a bit silly…especially if you’ve never dealt with a passive aggressive OR infidelity…But please try to understand….I’m coming at this as a wife who has been through the hurt, pain and humiliation of betrayal…of infidelity, of a knife being stabbed into my back over and over and over again…by the one who should have loved me and protected me.
I have a deep, deep desire to feel SAFE!! To know that I’m loved with such a deep, abiding, FAITHFUL love…and I now realize that PA Man is not capable of showing me that, and he never will be, and even sadder, he doesn’t even care to try.

So here’s the story…

PA Man came home late yesterday afternoon….and promptly fell asleep by 7:50pm…sound asleep, after being gone all week!
So why would this bother me??
Well, last Monday he traveled with a co-worker to PA…he left our house @5:30am, to get to the airport by 6….
When he arrived in PA, they had lunch then went to the business plant to begin work, since they were on a tight schedule.

He sent me a text that he was heading to his hotel at 6:30 and called me after he got there, and had a shower…he then decided to lay down for a bit, then left the hotel at 8:30 for dinner with his co-worker…they stayed out until after 10:30…this after such an early morning and traveling for several hours…and when he got back to his room, he was “exhausted” and had to go to bed! We talked for maybe 9 mins!
And yet, when he gets home…he’s fast asleep before 8pm!!
Dinner out with a coworker…he can stay up later…home with the wife…it’s early to bed…Oh, ok!!!

Yes, I know…it’s a picky thing to get upset about….but he did the same thing on Tuesday night!
Another 2 hr dinner, and then he gets back to his room…he’s had a long day, he’s exhausted, etc..No time for the wife..again.

Not the attitude of a loving man, who misses his wife and family…which is what he ALWAYS tells me when he’s gone…and maybe that’s what got under my skin a bit…he’s always soooo sweet on the phone while he’s on a trip…telling me how much he misses me, misses our family, etc…

And when I mentioned it to him, that I felt like he didn’t have time for me..for us..he got upset with me, started making all kinds of excuses!

Writing it down it all seems so petty and silly…it’s one of those, “You had to be there” type of situations I guess..
His attitude was so selfish, so arrogant…so, um, so DEFENSIVE….I told him I didn’t want him to call me the next day…to use the time to think about what he REALLY wants…does he want a family?? A wife??

So we didn’t talk until Thursday…and he said, when I asked him about what do YOU want, do you want to seperate?? He said “NO!” And that he will talk to me about it when he gets home!
I then asked why can’t we talk about it now?
His response…”I want to do it when I get home, ok, why does it have to be over the phone??”
So I didn’t argue…I just left it alone…because you and I BOTH know….there will NEVER be a discussion!! He will NOT talk about any of this!! He will bury it, act like it never happened…

Anyway, one would think….after having a week like we had, BTW, there was more that happened, but just trying to keep it pithy here.
The long silences, me asking if he wants to seperate…you would THINK that would be on his mind….but nope…sleep is more important…and it’s now 11am on Saturday…and he’s talked about the weather, his work, the plane that got shot down, and going to my brothers house to help install a door.

He won’t bring it up…he never does….and I’m the kind of person who has to have closure….I NEED to talk through things that bother me…hurtful things…but there is no doing that with PA Man….that’s why getting over his affair has been so difficult…no closure.
No feeling safe anymore…no trust being rebuilt…

And I’ve decided…I can’t live this way the rest of my life. I need a man that loves me and I feel safe with…and if I never meet that man, that’s ok….I know I’ll be ok all alone…because I’ve been alone my whole married life!
But I feel I deserve a chance to see what’s out there…what God might have in store for me…I deserve happiness, and it’s taken me a long time to come to accept that.

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10 thoughts on “An Explanation

  1. You do deserve happiness and peace of mind. Some may see your blog and think petty, but the rest of us get it. They see the one instance not the accumulation of “button-pushing” that has been ongoing for years.

    My only concern is that in your 3-year plan that you don’t get sucked back in by him and that he doesn’t catch on and do some creative financial things that leave you with very little. Keep a copy of all the financial documents regarding bank accounts, IRAs, 401ks, etc. so you will have the account numbers and amount that is in them. If you’re on a joint account with anyone besides him (father, mother, brother, etc.) get off of it, it will be used as an asset against you in a divorce. If he buys that new car make sure your name is on the title and hopefully your name is on the house title. Get a credit card in your name only. These are just a few of the lessons I’ve learned going through a divorce. Oh and they can take a looooooong time. 😦

    • Gaining, thanks for sharing this VERY important, VERY critical information. Trying to plan and organize when under so much stress is nearly impossible and many very important details get overlooked. I keep a briefcase hidden in my trunk (car) with all my documents, passwords to accounts, etc..so that if I need to leave quickly, I have all that information. I too am concerned about Lonely remaining in the house with him for 3 years. I don’t think that her husband is destructive in the same way that perhaps our PA men are but nonetheless, PA behavior can escalate very quickly. I’ve suffered a lot of financial damage through the years that has kept me trapped in this hell.

  2. Lonely, I know how cathartic blogging can be. It helps you get those ducks lined up. Never feel you need to explain, or apologise for the way you feel, or the plans you need to make to feel safe and loved. No one here is going to judge or berate you. You have given this man 1000%. There’s nothing left to give.

    Oh, and BTW, even non-PAs rarely bring up the “stuff” that needs to be talked about, because it means it is real, and everyone has to actually DO something, EMOTIONS (scary female emotions, oh no!) are on display, and they most often caused the hurt, so feel ashamed of that. I know with a PA there is no real shame, because they are perfect, everyone else is in the wrong. Just letting you know you are not alone in the waiting game re: relationship discussions!

    Love GainingStrength’s practical advice. I think a quiet chat with a lawyer you trust is not a stupid idea, to ensure you do this the best way for all.

    • Yes, I’m lining up all my little duckies in a row 😀 No hurry, I’ve waited this long…and you’re right, I HAVE given 1000%….it’s now HIS turn….if he wants me and this marriage!!

  3. I know, it’s so tiring being the only adult in the relationship, the one who tries to bring up problems for discussion (because we all have some kind of problems at some point), the one who tries to keep the love in the marriage. At some point, you just throw in the towel. He wants to stay married for himself, so he won’t be alone. He doesn’t care about what you need from him, as long as he is getting what he needs from you. Time to let him grow up a bit.

  4. I’m glad you’re planning and being patient as possible. I want to suggest that if at all possible, you get a private detective. His behavior after that long trip might be a red flag of warning.

    • PJ….I do have a P.I…sort of! My Father in Heaven…LOL! I truly believe that if PA Man cheats again, that God will reveal it like He did last time!
      I also believe that PA Man KNOWS that if he cheats again, there are NO more chances…that I am done and he will lose everything!
      Not to say he won’t be stupid and think he can get away with it…but I refuse to be the freaking marriage police!
      Like my therapist told me last year, “What your husband chooses to do, you can’t control…but at least then you will know the choice he has made, that is the life he wants to live, and then YOU get to make your own choices!”
      That really stuck with me…if PA Man chooses to cheat again, then so be it…he made his choice evident….that’s the life he wants to live.
      He will lose it all….his family, his reputation, his church family, MY family, because he has cut his own toxic family out of his life, etc…He’d be a fool to cheat again!

      Also, he knows that I can pop into his work at any time…the guys he works with think I’m HOT and they always ask him how did he get so “lucky”, LOL, and I can always ask his co-worker about the week they were gone…so again, he’d be a fool to cheat again!!
      But then again, PAs ARE foolish little boys, aren’t they?

      I’m always aware, always suspious…that’s how it is when you’ve been cheated on…but I’ve decided to let GOD fight my battles, and that’s all I can do at this time!

  5. Lonely, I get upset about a lot of ‘petty’ things too but that’s because I’m assaulted with rounds and rounds of petty nonsense all day, every day for years and years. There has not been one day in my entire marriage that wasn’t infected with PA behavior and truthfully I realized that I have never once been able to discuss anything at all with Norman without him perceiving it as me attacking him and hence, he unleashes some sort of petty punishment upon me. I can’t even have a cookout with Norman and ask him to hook up the propane hose without him punishing me for that. I couldn’t discuss a budget or a plan for anything. I’m not exaggerating. Every single thing I say is interpreted as an attack on him. It took me years to fully realize that all those petty abuses became predictable and always deliberate- subconscious or not. I spent way too long questioning his behavior and wondering if it was just an oversight, an accident, a careless mistake. Nope, none of the above.

    I know how difficult it is to live with someone that has betrayed you and your marriage with infidelity but, you deserve peace of mind. I’ve had to live with abuse for so long and develop ways to cope with it for so many years that I know it’s going to take time for me to adjust my mindset after I’m gone. I’m so accustomed to living on the defensive, always paranoid about what Norman will do that I can’t even imagine what it feels like to live without worry, distrust and fear. This is no way to live..in fact, it’s not living at all! I hope you don’t become like me. You seem to have a wise therapist and a very healthy attitude about not needing to manage your husband’s character. Good for you! Stay strong and positive and don’t allow your husband’s behavior drag you down into the depths of paranoia, worry and fear. He is what he is and it’s no reflection of your character. think it’s very wise of you to separate your lives as much as possible and just let him live his life as he will- good or bad. Just focus on being the woman that G-d created and the woman that you want to become without him.

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