I thought I’d give a explanation for my recent decision to make plans to separate from PA Man.
I know what I’m about to share might seem a bit silly…especially if you’ve never dealt with a passive aggressive OR infidelity…But please try to understand….I’m coming at this as a wife who has been through the hurt, pain and humiliation of betrayal…of infidelity, of a knife being stabbed into my back over and over and over again…by the one who should have loved me and protected me.
I have a deep, deep desire to feel SAFE!! To know that I’m loved with such a deep, abiding, FAITHFUL love…and I now realize that PA Man is not capable of showing me that, and he never will be, and even sadder, he doesn’t even care to try.
So here’s the story…
PA Man came home late yesterday afternoon….and promptly fell asleep by 7:50pm…sound asleep, after being gone all week!
So why would this bother me??
Well, last Monday he traveled with a co-worker to PA…he left our house @5:30am, to get to the airport by 6….
When he arrived in PA, they had lunch then went to the business plant to begin work, since they were on a tight schedule.
He sent me a text that he was heading to his hotel at 6:30 and called me after he got there, and had a shower…he then decided to lay down for a bit, then left the hotel at 8:30 for dinner with his co-worker…they stayed out until after 10:30…this after such an early morning and traveling for several hours…and when he got back to his room, he was “exhausted” and had to go to bed! We talked for maybe 9 mins!
And yet, when he gets home…he’s fast asleep before 8pm!!
Dinner out with a coworker…he can stay up later…home with the wife…it’s early to bed…Oh, ok!!!
Yes, I know…it’s a picky thing to get upset about….but he did the same thing on Tuesday night!
Another 2 hr dinner, and then he gets back to his room…he’s had a long day, he’s exhausted, etc..No time for the wife..again.
Not the attitude of a loving man, who misses his wife and family…which is what he ALWAYS tells me when he’s gone…and maybe that’s what got under my skin a bit…he’s always soooo sweet on the phone while he’s on a trip…telling me how much he misses me, misses our family, etc…
And when I mentioned it to him, that I felt like he didn’t have time for me..for us..he got upset with me, started making all kinds of excuses!
Writing it down it all seems so petty and silly…it’s one of those, “You had to be there” type of situations I guess..
His attitude was so selfish, so arrogant…so, um, so DEFENSIVE….I told him I didn’t want him to call me the next day…to use the time to think about what he REALLY wants…does he want a family?? A wife??
So we didn’t talk until Thursday…and he said, when I asked him about what do YOU want, do you want to seperate?? He said “NO!” And that he will talk to me about it when he gets home!
I then asked why can’t we talk about it now?
His response…”I want to do it when I get home, ok, why does it have to be over the phone??”
So I didn’t argue…I just left it alone…because you and I BOTH know….there will NEVER be a discussion!! He will NOT talk about any of this!! He will bury it, act like it never happened…
Anyway, one would think….after having a week like we had, BTW, there was more that happened, but just trying to keep it pithy here.
The long silences, me asking if he wants to seperate…you would THINK that would be on his mind….but nope…sleep is more important…and it’s now 11am on Saturday…and he’s talked about the weather, his work, the plane that got shot down, and going to my brothers house to help install a door.
He won’t bring it up…he never does….and I’m the kind of person who has to have closure….I NEED to talk through things that bother me…hurtful things…but there is no doing that with PA Man….that’s why getting over his affair has been so difficult…no closure.
No feeling safe anymore…no trust being rebuilt…
And I’ve decided…I can’t live this way the rest of my life. I need a man that loves me and I feel safe with…and if I never meet that man, that’s ok….I know I’ll be ok all alone…because I’ve been alone my whole married life!
But I feel I deserve a chance to see what’s out there…what God might have in store for me…I deserve happiness, and it’s taken me a long time to come to accept that.