So as you know, I read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage last week and it really made me realize how much I have changed in the last few years!
I have been angry, bitter, resentful, etc..And yes, a lot of that was because of the affair, and the aftermath…PA Man refusing to work with me on healing, to go to counseling…walking away when I was crying and begging him to open up to me….and I do feel I was justified in my anger.
But I have also realized that I was verbally abusive….yes. I’ll admit it. I WAS verbally abusive….I called him names like loser, jerk, sucker, jackass…you get the picture!
And yes, again, I do realize that A LOT of that was because I was hurting soooo badly after his betrayal…and it’s a pretty normal response.
BUT as a Christian, I know that I SHOULD have prayed and asked God to help me, to be my comforter and protector…but instead, I chose to become angry and bitter!
So after reading Leslie Vernicks book I decided I needed to apologize to PA Man for my actions….so Saturday afternoon I asked him if I could talk to him for a few minutes and he said “Sure.”
i started out by telling him about the book I had read, just bits and pieces, not everything….and I told him that I felt I owed him an apology for my behavior…Not necessarily for the time right after the affair came out…but for the last year or so….And so I did.
I told him I was sorry, that after reading this book I realized I have become verbally abusive, and I asked him if he would please forgive me…
A few things were said back and forth….but the whole gist of the story is…He never looked and me and said, “Yes, I forgive you” nor did he say, “And will you please forgive me, for the way I’ve acted?”
NOT that I was expecting him to…but still!?!?
I know some people won’t understand why I felt the need to do that….but I did it for ME!!!! Not PA Man…I knew he wouldn’t get it…remember, I’m dealing with the mentality of an 8 yr old here!
But I wanted to extend to him the same grace that God has extended to me…and I feel I did.
Part of what Leslie talks about in her book is about “staying well”…..IF you decide to stay with your spouse, do it with a heart of love, not romantic love, but love for a fellow human being…and that’s what I’m attempting to do. 🙂
PA Man isn’t a BAD person….BUT he does lack empathy for others and is selfish, VERY selfish…though you don’t “see” it…it’s there.
After I apologized, he asked me about the book, so I explained that I really wanted to read it again before I discussed it with him, that I felt that I finally had found someone who understood what it was like living on our kind of marriage….
PA Man sits back in his chair, crosses his arms and says, “So what?? Are you going to give me a lot of rules to live by, is that what this is all about??”
I smiled at him and said, ” No, there are no rules for YOU, but there ARE rules for ME!!”
Always on the defensive….always looking to blame me…sigh…it IS the Passive Aggressive way of life.