I am Thankful

As I go around different blogs, reading other women’s stories of living with their PA spouse, I find that I AM grateful that PA Man is who he is….kind of.

There are some real losers out there! Abusive, cold, penny pinching losers!

I really don’t have it THAT bad! Yes, PA Man can be mean at times….he can be snarky and sarcastic…but it’s not ALL the time, and I’m grateful for that!

I’m looking at PA Man and I see a little boy….an immature, little boy who I really think doesn’t like who he is, but doesn’t have any idea how to change it…..and is too scared to even try!!

Its like this….As a child, how many of us were scared that there might be a boogie man under our bed?

You really do know that there’s not a boogie man under the bed…but first you have to get out of the bed so you can look under there and prove it….but you can’t make yourself do that…because then you’re vulnerable because maybe there really IS a boogie man under there!

That’s PA Man….he’s always been this way, it’s who he is. Change is hard, we all know that. But for a PA, it’s not easy or acceptable….because their brain tells them that it’s not THEM, it’s their spouse, their boss, etc…


I’m finding that the more I learn about PAs…the more I feel sorry for them. What a horrible way to live.

I’m still not sure if I’ll stay with PA Man in the future…I really do think that once I stop asking him for anything emotional, and not depending on him to be open with me….I think I can be somewhat happy. I will have my kids and grandkids to focus on : )

I mean, I did it for 25 yrs….before the EA….we lived a somewhat normal life, was I emotionally lonely, yes, but I survived.

I was busy with my family, with homeschooling, with life in general. If I did it then,  I can do it again.

As my boys have gotten older I’ve become involved in other things that make me happy. One of those is feeding the poor.

Every month I get a team together from my church and we go and feed the poor who live in local low budget hotels. It’s very fulfilling…and get this, PA Man is right there, helping. And he seems to enjoy it….but PAs like that. Don’t they?

Being seen as the “good guy.” But hey, at least he’s not grumbling about it…well, ok, sometimes he does, but I ignore him! LOL!

Some might say that’s not living a happy life…but I think it’s all in how you look at it.

I’m nearing middle age. I haven’t worked in over 28 yrs, I have a beautiful home, and if things work out right, PA Man is talking about buying a condo on the beach in a few years.

Am I being materialistic….yep!  But I’m also realistic that I could have it worse…much, much worse!

And I really do not want to enter the dating game….my sister is there at 57 and it’s not pretty!!

And other than an occasional blow up, like when he called my son a name…I’m learning to let most of it go…and since PA Man only gets mean and snarky when I push him for more of an emotional connection, I try not to do that.

We actually had a good talk last night, he opened up a little….When I talk to him very softly and keep it to a few minutes, he responds better. Just like a small child.

What’s that they say about about a child’s attention span being equivalent with their age? PA Mans is about 8-9 mins…soooooo…..

Anyway, in comparison with what others are going through, my life isn’t that bad.

I have a friend who’s PA husband is really, REALLY cruel to her…and that’s what got me thinking that I don’t have it quite so bad….and I’m going to be thankful for that.

Very, very thankful!


14 thoughts on “I am Thankful

  1. I had made up my mind that I could live with him. I would live my life and he would live his. The day after I came to this decision he informed me that he was moving out of state in a set amount time and I could come if I wanted to. Ahh are you feeling the love? 🙂 He’s been threatening (he says discussing) this for about 2 years now. I don’t want to move, well then he wanted to move more. LOL He did something with the finances (don’t want to get specific) and that just pushed it way past acceptable.

    Just be aware that just because you have a plan it doesn’t mean he will not do something in the future to make you change your plan.

    • Wow Gaining Strength…that sucks! I hope you have a good lawyer! 🙂
      Yes, I understand that could happen….so far PA Man has never said he wants separation or divorce…in fact, when I bring it up, he’s adamant that he loves me and doesn’t want that.
      I really do think he is afraid of being alone! He has NO ONE!
      PA Man does know…and I’ve made it abundantly clear…and so has my 2nd oldest son….that if he EVER gets involved with another woman..We.Are.Over!
      My son told him that he will call his older brother and they will both pack his crap and move him out, that I won’t have to do a thing!
      I love my sons! 😀

      • LW that is awesome of your son, felt like standing up and cheering. 🙂

        My husband also told me a month before that he still loved me and did not want a divorce! He kept escalating, threats of leaving me (remember he loves me?) by myself, cruel cruel words (they did hurt), silent treatment (ah…peace), etc. etc. etc. I never worried about an affair (emotional or otherwise) because his mistress was money. That’s why the divorce bothers him, not that he’s losing me, but that he’s losing half HIS savings. I haven’t worked for more years then you have and to him I have not contributed. Therefore it’s HIS savings, HIS money, HIS earnings, blah blah blah blah blah. 🙂

        What I wonder about is who is going to be his new target! He can use me for just so long to play his victim role. 🙂

  2. Lonely, I also came to the same conclusion in my marriage. Live my life, make no demands and leave him alone and get on with it. My PA man also said he loved us etc. Unbeknownst to me, he was planning for divorce – something happened that forced his hand however, and I made him move out. I found out recently that he had told his family TWO years prior to this that we were separated and that he was telling most people that. The only person he didn’t tell was me. It makes the way his family treated me in the last two years make more sense now. However he was adamant he wanted to win me back and we went to counselling and him to anger management – still he was using this time to get his ducks in a row and hold me off, as the older the children got the less he had to pay. Even during our separation he would give me the silent treatment and I would say so ‘are we getting a divorce’. His monotonous reply to me was “I don’t want a divorce’ even when I would point out he is acting exactly like a man who wants a divorce. He didn’t want a divorce (and we still aren’t) even though he is now living with another woman, because the longer he can hold me off – the less he will lose. And, of course, he is still using me as a target for his negative feelings. He isn’t in the position yet of being able to use his girlfriend as a target for his anger and resentment without her leaving. Your husband has shown he is quite capable of going behind your back I may pay to protect yourself, just in case. In my experience when a PA man detects that you are no longer going to let him get to you and he can extract nothing from you – he moves on. PA NEED someone to be their victim – if you take yourself out of that equation – he very well may try to find a new one. As gainingstrength said – just because you have a plan – that doesn’t mean he has the same one. And he is unlikely to share it with you.

    • Bronze….why aren’t you divorced yet?? Why let him play this game, waiting til the kids get older, especially since he’s living with OW??
      I think that some of these men are Narcs AND PA…and that’s why they are so cruel.
      I’ve read and researched about Narcissim and PA Man isn’t a narc….just straight PA. Whew! If I thought for one minute he was narc….that would be it!
      Dealing with a PA is like playing with a small child….dealing with narc AND PA is like dealing with a small, angry and dangerous child!!
      BUT just because I say that doesn’t mean I’m not on high alert!
      I watch for certain things…I don’t have my head buried in the sand….trust me!
      I’m half way through Scott Wetzlers book…and what I’m reading is very interesting…and I ordered another book someone wrote about on her blog…education is key to learning how to deal with these men!

      PA Man just called…he has three business trips is July…two of them are back to back, home for the weekend then gone again!
      He called to check with me to see if I’d be ok for him to do the back to back, because his company doesn’t like doing that to their employees….And he wanted to run it by me.
      Of course I told him, “Sure, no problem, you’re the expert, they NEED you to go!” (Three whole weeks in July to myself…seriously?? YAY!!! :D)
      So anyway, I don’t think most PAs would ask their wives, they’d be “in control” and make that decision and inform her that he’d be gone!
      I could be wrong though….who knows?
      This “game” is a weird one that’s for sure!!

      • Yep, (nodding head) is it okay? The checking with the wife first, gotcha. Mine would ask, too. Sometimes it was legit, other times he had already committed, and other times I would disagree and somehow it was my fault (What was my fault? Who knows!). Just because they ask doesn’t mean they have not already said yes and will talk you in circles until you agree. 🙂

        I came to the conclusion it was not my place to “understand” him and to “deal with” him. Truthfully, trying to understand him will drive you crazy and trying to deal with him will put you in the straight jacket. 🙂 Because…you will never understand him and dealing with him will completely drain you of your spirit, joy and life. You will sink into self-pity, anger, depression, confusion, or rages or all of them trying to understand and deal with him.

  3. Gaining Strength…you said, “Because…you will never understand him and dealing with him will completely drain you of your spirit, joy and life. You will sink into self-pity, anger, depression, confusion, or rages or all of them trying to understand and deal with him”
    HA! Already been there, done that!! That’s why I started this blog, so I have a place to vent….After his EA came out I was all of that…confused, depressed, angry, etc….but no more!
    I’m back on my feet again…and I’m learning how to better play the PA Game!!
    If he chooses to leave….so be it. It’s his choice. And I will then know exactly where he stands…no more guessing! 🙂

    • Lonely, do you really want your marriage to be a game? Winners, losers, keeping score, etc.? Sounds exhausting.

      • Gaining, that’s the perfect description of a PA marriage and I am exhausted. Ironically, it’s the PA man who accuses me of playing games and keeping score. I don’t even keep score when I play badminton. I do however notice that whenever any type of activity or attention involves me or is directed toward me that he is keeping score and will automatically have to create situations where he will get the same. If I need a new pair of shoes, he will have to buy himself a pair. If I get a haircut, he will too will get one. If I go to the dentist then he will have to. If he buys me something, then he has to buy himself something and so on. I finally figured out that the reason he does this is to be able to say, ‘ Oh, I see how it is now. Only you get to have things, only you get to do things’. Because I know this about the PA man’s modus operandi, I must have constant awareness of when I do things and where so that I can prevent a situation where he will retaliate. I’m also in a state of deprivation most of the time because I have to make up for all his excessive wasteful spending that was done just to punish me.

        One of the worst things my husband does is when we are shopping, he will tell me to buy something for myself and when I tell him that I don’t really need it or feel like we can afford it, he will be so sweet and tell me that he wants me to have it and to go ahead and get it because I need it. When I get to the register to pay, he puts down several items ( that he hid in the cart or grabbed while I was checking out forcing me to have to buy them because he knew I wouldn’t want to create a scene at the register. Even crazier is that when I quietly pick up my things to return them and tell the cashier that I’m so sorry but I’ve changed my mind, my husband will get so upset and make a scene like a toddler’s temper tantrum. He will get angry and put his things back and tell me to buy my things. ” Forget it, just get what you want! Really! I want you to have that! I don’t need these things!”
        It’s exhausting and I try to avoid being in public with him.
        If I could find a job that paid enough for me to support myself, I would leave in a second. I mean that. I would have a moving truck here tomorrow and I wouldn’t say a word. Women tend to make the mistake of threatening their PA men with ,’ I’ll move out, I’ll file for divorce, etc..’ and what they don’t remember in those moments is that they are not threatening a rational man who is going to suddenly realize something is wrong and that he needs to change his behavior or he might lose something valuable to him. This isn’t a man who cares at all about changing anything as long as we are with them! Why should they? They have it made! Their life works for them! The only time they will change is after we leave until they find another victim to beat up.

  4. The question is do you want your marriage to be game? Winners, losers, keeping score, etc. Sounds completely exhausting to me.

  5. Lonely, the title of this post touched me because it shows that you are insightful enough to count your many blessings despite the adversity. Each of us can do that…even me and I know how dire my situation is. We must not allow ourselves to become so blinded with bitterness and negativity that we forget to notice the good in our lives. It’s so easy to focus on negativity and what’s wrong with our lives and ignore the good since we tend to take the good things in life for granted since they don’t cause us any discomfort. I believe that G-d often presents us with difficulty when we need a push to readjust our perception and take inventory of the good things in our lives. That’s not to say that we should overlook or discount abuse but by focusing on what is good and our many blessings, we become stronger and will want to increase the goodness in our lives and remove the bad. Remember the old Native American proverb about the 2 wolves?

    An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

    “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
    “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

    “One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

    “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

    “This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
    “Which wolf will win?”

    The old chief simply replied,
    “The one you feed.”

    • “The one you feed”…wow…that is soooo true!
      For a long time after DDay (discovery day of the affair) I was very angry, bitter, resentful….and then when I discovered he was PA and I saw that this was a life long way of living…oh my word….I got REALLY angry at God, PA Man AND myself!!
      God because I felt he wasn’t watching out for me…yea, kinda dumb thinking there, LOL, PA Man because of the affair, and then the refusal to work on himself….and me, because I blamed myself for not being stronger and for putting up with this behavior!
      I AM stronger now….and I now know that God loves me and wants the best for me…so I’m doing what I need to do to be happy and taking steps to distance myself from negative thinking! 🙂

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