I don’t even know where to start.
Tonight PA Man and I were sitting on the bed, watching a show on TV….we hadn’t talked anymore since our earlier “discussion”, which is nothing unusual…pretend it never happened, that’s the way he operates!
Anyway, son#4 comes into the room, and is standing there, watching TV and he’s “twitching” AKA jerking his head sideways, a OCD habit.
He’s been in therapy for OCD and anxiety for the last few months…and he’d been doing better, but the last few weeks he’s started up with these “habits” again.
I told him to stop, which is what his therapist has suggested, and he kept doing it, again, I told him to stop, and then PA Man, very harshly, says, “Stop it, you weirdo!!”
OMG!!! I was LIVID!!!! Absolutely LIVID!!! How DARE he??
I’M the one who is home 24/7 with this child, I’M the one who takes him to his therapy classes, I’M the one who talks to him and reasons with him when he’s feeling anxious, I’M the one researches and finds natural ways to deal with his anxiety, instead of drugging him up, which has been suggested by his therapist!
PA Man has gone to one, yes ONE therapy appt. with me…and he didn’t say a friggin word!
When David, MY sons therapist, finished questioning me about why I was bringing son#4 to counseling, he turned and looked at PA Man and asked him if he had any questions, or anything to add….and he said, “No, she’s about covered it.”
Thats it. He had nothing to add. How about, “Yes, I’m very concerned because our son was hitting his head against the wall last week, and said he couldn’t stop…that he HAD to do it…why was he doing that??”
But NO, he has NO questions!! JERK!!!
Anyway, I looked at PA Man and said, “THAT was very mean and uncalled for…you need to apologize!!”
And to be honest, I can’t remember if he did apologize, because I was seeing red by that time!
After son#4 left the room….I exploded! I told PA Man that that was a disgusting thing to say, that he hasn’t spent 10 mins with ANY of our boys all day long and how DARE he say that to him!!
I then forgot everything I’ve written on this blog, LOL, and just ripped into him!
I told him I don’t respect him, that this marriage is a marriage in name only, and he can expect NOTHING (sexual) from me ever again!! That all I am to him is a sperm depository anyway!! Yes, I actually said that!!
I also told him he IS his father all over again, and he should be ashamed of himself!!
That riled him up a bit. And he told me to leave his father put of it. Right. You can’t stand the man and yet you act just like him!! Fantastic!
Listen up…cheat on me, treat me like I’m invisible, walk away when I’m crying and need a strong pair of arms around me…I can deal with it….but DO NOT attack my kids!!
But never fear, dear readers, PA Man is just fine….he was asleep TEN minutes after I shut up!!
The man CLEARLY has NO conscience!! NONE!! And that became apparent tonight…more than ever.
DIVORCED FROM ABUSE 
Hugs my dear, dear friend. “For this, too shall pass.” Xxx
You have my sympathies. When he would say something nasty to one of the kids and I called him on it, it was always their fault or mine because he didn’t mean it THAT way, go figure. My husband still uses my kids (adult & married now) against me.
GainingStrength…is it easier now that the kids are all out and on their own? Can you ignore him? Do you live your life, and do what makes you happy??
Do your kids love their dad…do they visit him or have they seen through the PA crap and want nothing to do with him? I’m curious how it is after the kids leave home!
I think to myself that it will be easier….because right now I try to run interference between him and the kids, and yes, I make excuses for their dads bad behavior or I’ll pretend I’m happy when I’m not…I’d think that when it’s just PA Man and myself, he can have his room and I’ll have mine, and we will each live seperate lives…I’ll cook when I feel like it, come and go as I please, etc…
lonelywife07 – Do not make excuses for their dad’s bad behavior or pretend you’re happy. I did that and now when my husband says or does something hurtful…it’s just how dad is. Don’t do that to yourself, they will see their dad as just dad and they’ll see you as the sulky, always angry mom and he’ll be there to smile and nod his head sagely and say “see, she has the anger issue I am calm and happy.” Smiles all around. And if you take on his blame so the kids don’t see their dad in a “bad” light, no no no no no. They will come to believe you are to blame for so many things in their life when you were just trying to protect his image with the kids.
After the kids leave it is easier to go to another part of the house and ignore him, but then again he has treated me as if I’m invisible so I really don’t have to make an effort to ignore him. Mine prefers TV/movies to me. I have been so worn and torn down I don’t know what makes me happy anymore. After the divorce I will have the enjoyment of finding this out.
Gaining Strength: “Do not make excuses for their dad’s bad behavior or pretend you’re happy. I did that and now when my husband says or does something hurtful…it’s just how dad is. Don’t do that to yourself, they will see their dad as just dad and they’ll see you as the sulky, always angry mom and he’ll be there to smile and nod his head sagely and say “see, she has the anger issue I am calm and happy.” Smiles all around. And if you take on his blame so the kids don’t see their dad in a “bad” light, no no no no no. They will come to believe you are to blame for so many things in their life when you were just trying to protect his image with the kids. ”
I completely agree.
He sleeps easy because he can’t feel guilt. That would mean he did something wrong. It confuses them when we tell them to stop what they are doing — short circuits them. Like you said, no conscience. In a way, I’m glad mine ignores the kids, because it lessens the chance they will adopt his bad behavior.
That’s true Marsocmom…I guess I should be thankful he’s not around that much and doesn’t interact with the boys that often!!! And yes, he feels no guilt! None! He’s not said a word about last nights cruel display! Just went to sleep like a baby!
Gaining Strength…OMG!!!! That’s how it is with my in laws…Dads the big goofy, funny kid…mom is a unhappy witch!! I’ve never really liked my MIL…she is a VERY unpleasant person…but my FIL is PA…so now I feel sorry for her! YES! Thank you for reminding me of that!!
You know, now that you say that…I’ve read about that on other blogs….where dad is the “good guy” and mom is the witch!!
But HOW do you keep a balance of not totally screwing up your children’s lives because of their dads abandonment and cruelty..and yet let them make their own opinion on what a jerk he truly is?? UGH!!!
If any of the kids ask you why dad is doing/saying/looking like that, tell them to go ask him and that you cannot speak for him. Make it sound like you are giving your husband the control to answer their questions. Stop answering for him, tell them to go to the source and tell them that if they have any questions after asking him you are available to discuss it with them. Of course, his answer will be “it’s your mother’s fault,” but if the kids ask you answer honestly. If it is your fault fess up, if it’s his fault fess up and if you don’t know…you don’t know.
He should have responsibility for his words and actions, not you. It’s not cruelty to the kids, it’s forcing your husband to look at them and answer (or in our husband’s cases…excuse or lie) and your kids will remember his words, especially if they don’t make sense and confuse them. Kids hear and see more then you think they do, they are not stupid. If you cover for your husband’s cruelty and abandonment then they will grow up thinking he is doing NOTING wrong and that in my book is cruelty. It also leads to them imitating their father as they grow up because you have allowed it so it must not be wrong. As the old saying goes do as I do, and they do trust me they do.
Oops! I meant NOTHING, as in he is doing NOTHING wrong. Of course, hopefully the kids do take note that their dad is the problem.