I CHOOSE JOY!!

As we all know it’s not easy living with a Passive Aggressive man. In fact, it’s often quite frustrating, leaving us angry, resentful, depressed and in my case, feeling very lonely!

As the days, weeks and months have passed by, I have found that my attitude is really affecting me in all areas of my life, things I once took pleasure in, I now struggle to care about at all!

Example…I LOVE to read….but I have several books that I’m right in the middle of, having never finished them! That is so not me!

I’m the girl who would hide under the bedcovers with a flashlight, trying to finish the last few chapters of a book I just couldn’t put down!

Another example…Cooking! I LOVE to cook and finding fun, new recipes for my family has always been something I’ve enjoyed…but lately I’m just so Blah about it all!

In fact, my family rarely sits around the table having dinner anymore…everyone fixes a plate and disappears!! And I hate it! But I just didn’t have the “mental strength” to even care anymore!

But this has to change! This is MY home and MY family, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let passive aggressive ugliness steal anything more from me and my family!!

So about two weeks ago, I made the mental decision to choose to be HAPPY and JOYFUL in spite of PA Mans attitude and lack of concern for our family!

I’m  in charge of MY happiness, no one else is!

It’s MY decision if I want to be depressed and unhappy, it’s MY decision if I’m going to allow passive aggressive behavior to bring me and my children down!!

It’s MY decision if I want my house to be a house of chaos or a house of peace…and I chose Peace!

Now don’t get me wrong, I still have moments where I could just SCREAM with frustration when PA Man does his stupid crap….but I’m getting pretty good at just saying to him, “You’re acting PA and you need to stop, it’s really very childish!” And then I walk away! Yay me!! 🙂

Point in fact…last night. I was sitting on our bed, PA Man was next to me, watching TV and I got up to go into the bathroom to take off my makeup….and I closed the door, because I decided to call my sister and check on her, since she hasn’t been feeling well…

So we are chatting for a few minutes, and I open the door…and PA Man is standing there, eavesdropping!!! What the $@&#!!

I look at him and say,”What are you doing…are you eavesdropping on me??”  And I actually see GUILT on his face! OMG! GUILT??? He really DOES have a conscience?? LOL!!!

So anyway, he steps away from  the door and says, “Well, I was wondering who you were talking to…”

And I look at him and say, “Did it EVER occur to you to open the door and ask??”

I then say, “You know what, that is soooo disrespectful and I can’t believe you’d stoop so low to EAVESDROP on me!!”

PA Man then gets defensive and says, “Well, I’m tired of you always talking about me behind my back!”

My very calm response,”When have I done that,  PA Man?”

PA Man, “Well, not lately, but in the past you have!!” (Side note…yes, in the past I have, when his emotional affair came out of the slimy, black hole he and the Cow were hiding it in! I did talk about the affair to my sister!! Typical PA…expected me to suck it up all alone I guess!!)

My response, “Yes. In the past I have because YOU gave me a reason to,  remember? But WHY are we talking about what I did in the past? You have stated several times  that you are TIRED of dredging up the past and have accused me of never letting it go and you aren’t going to listen to it anymore! So does that mean YOU can talk about the past, but I can’t??”

PA Man, VERY snarky now, says “No, we aren’t going to talk about the past!!”

And he then goes to bed! LOL!

Round one of staying calm and standing firm goes to ME!!!!

But you know the amazing thing is….I was able to go to bed and SLEEP last night! And I even slept in MY own bed!

In the past, I would have been so mad and upset, I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and secondly, I would have stayed downstairs on the couch, not being able to be in the same room with him!

I didn’t let him rob me of my joy and happiness…I’m now at the point where I can truly see that PA Man has the problem! I can’t fix him…he had to decide that HE wants and do something about it!!

Anyway, I’ll leave you with this…a friend recently shared this and it really resonated with me…

“Don’t look at God through your circumstances, Look at your circumstances through a loving God.”

I have chosen to look at God first, my marriage second….and to be joyful in spite of PA Man and his passive aggressive behavior!

 

 

 

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “I CHOOSE JOY!!

  1. “My response, “Yes. In the past I have because YOU gave me a reason to, remember? But WHY are we talking about what I did in the past? You have stated several times that you are TIRED of dredging up the past and have accused me of never letting it go and you aren’t going to listen to it anymore! So does that mean YOU can talk about the past, but I can’t??””

    Your presence of mind and ability to not let him spin this around was awesome!

    • Thanks PJ! I WAS rather pleased with myself and how calm I stayed! 😀 LOL!
      I am not going to let him get to me! He’s in a snit right now, and is upstairs laying down….and me and the kids went ahead and sat down and had a delicious dinner! 🙂
      He can eat later…but knowing him, he will skip dinner, just to prove something….he did that several days ago…He was “too upset” to eat…this after we had a small argument, and told me the next day, when he called from work, that he was taking lunch early, because he was hungry since he didn’t eat the night before…I didn’t say a word!
      I KNEW he was fishing for me to say something, but I didn’t say a word!
      It was HIS decision not to eat, not mine! 😀

  2. Good for you, Lonely! And snitting is what selfish people do when they don’t get their own way. Let him call one of his men friends to moan about his lack of appetite…not. I think it’s great that you are calling his bluff. They need us so pathologically and desperately, but can’t admit it. I truly hope that the more you call him out, the less PA he will be…or the more he will just let you do your own thing without his interference. You are an inspiration to me to call mine out when he behaves inappropriately.

    • Marsocmom….he doesn’t have ANY friends to call! And that’s what is so sick about how he treats us!
      We are ALL he has!! He doesn’t have anything to do with his family, he has no friends….all he has is me and our boys…and yet, he treats us like we aren’t important to him!!
      From what I’ve read, deep down inside he’s scared to lose us…but the way he acts towards us doesn’t make us love him more AT ALL!! And I’ve told him this…but it does NO good!!
      He has to decide enough is enough…but as each day passes, I see him digging in, fighting any effort to change.
      He’s a sad, sad man-child.

      • Hi Lonely,
        Glad to find your blog. Keep it up! My husband doesn’t have any friends either and the ones that he claims to have treat him like shit anyway ( mostly business associates). My therapist told me that borderline personality disordered people generally don’t have meaningful relationships or long term friends because they tend to view relationships as ‘ all or nothing’. It’s taken me awhile to understand BPD but as you know, no relationship is perfect. The BPD person will just give up on the relationship at the first sign of conflict. As soon as they feel the least bit threatened for any reason, they move on either physically or emotionally or both. Maybe your husband has BPD? http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063
        You are also correct that their greatest fear is the fear of losing us. That is why they keep us at a distance by withholding affection, respect and love. It would certainly seem to make more sense to nurture the things in life that we love but for some (like our husbands), they are absolutely terrified of being shamed and hurt.

  3. it is really sad, when you are able to step back and look at it. They behave that way unconsciously, like they aren’t even doing it on purpose. Way down deep inside they need us desperately, because like you said, we are all they have. So afraid we will leave them, but they push us away. I wonder what would happen if one day we called them on it, and just left.

    Mine has no friends either, and the men who have reached out to him get ignored after awhile. He just withdraws. If he can’t be in control of the relationship/conversation/agenda, he’s not interested. When I’m not around to talk to, he either goes to see his mother or sits in front of the computer for hours. “A sad, sad man-child.” So true.

    • Marsocmom….it’s true. They NEED us…but they don’t WANT us! They are content to be left alone, no demands on them at all, and yet, they want US to be full of praise and admiration for them..ALL.THE.TIME!!
      I can’t do that! I’m too emotionally exhausted trying to stay one step ahead of his stupid PA game!!

  4. Awesome post, lonelywife!! Yes, yes, yes you are getting emotionally healthy and free from the dragging weight of PA behavior. No more walking on eggshells, or broken glass. No more careful measuring of what to say (OR “I better not say anything – it might set him off”).
    I noticed pretty soon after our separation (it’s been since 4-13-14) that I had more energy and stamina. As with a lot of PA husbands, mine did not perform much maintenance on our home and property. ( A good way to be passively punishing and rebellious). So when I get home from work, I have to keep working to maintain things and fix what he didn’t. And I have been working outside till dark many nights, forgetting to eat supper, and I feel good. It makes me happy to have my yard looking better than he did it. And to fix the stuff he kept saying this about: “Don’t worry about that; I’m gonna take care of it”. Whatever!!
    Living with the PA man is very draining. Physically, emotionally, in my case, financially, and every other way. It is so wonderful to hear that you will no longer allow the drain. Way to go!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s