A few thoughts on life with a passive aggressive….
“He can’t be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can’t be with a partner emotionally. He’s caught in a Catch 22–wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don’t come too close and don’t burden me with your needs or expectations.’
Yes. This describes PA Man perfectly! As soon as I start to talk about us, our marriage, his PA behavior….he closes his eyes and won’t look at me…it really does remind me of the childhood game of Peek A Boo…which is rather appropriate since he is a Man-Child.
“The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressiveaggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it’s back to business as usual.”
Yes, PA Man is really good at this, in fact, he’s a master at this game! I’ve been addicted to Hopeium for a long time, and PA Man has been my “dealer!” But I’ve been “clean” for several weeks now…and I’m not going back! No more Hope-ium for me!
“The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot.”
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! I am his adversary….I’ve known this for awhile now…and to be honest, it does scare me! At times, I’ve seen the deep anger he has towards me..then he covers it up so fast, I wonder if I’ve imagined it!! But it’s there…just hidden deep inside waiting to reveal itself.
“He uses vague language to sandbag the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can’t take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn’t follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn’t have to take it and accuses her of having the problem.”
The silence….the sulky, brooding silence…I’m VERY familiar with this. And the blame…it’s ALWAYS my fault, or he has an excuse for why it’s NOT his fault. And if I say anything negative, even constructive criticism, well, LOL….that doesn’t go over very well at all!
“You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs. They care for you the way they care for a favorite pair of slippers or an old easy-chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs. The sad thing is, they can sweet talk you, know all the right things to say, to make you believe that you are loved and adored by a someone who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.”
This is sad but true. I feel so alone in my marriage, and PA Man knows this! We have NO emotional connection at all…and he’s content with this. It makes him feel safe.
He doesn’t care how I feel, he’s made that very obvious by his actions, and I have learned to watch his actions, I no longer listen to his words….because his words lie.