He wants his cake!

Here’s the definition of a “cake eater.”

” Cake eaters act vague. They need time, they appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.”

I actually got this from the Chump Lady blog, and it’s pertains to cheaters….but I also thought it describes PAs very well….

And so I can say, Yep, PA Man wants his cake for sure! He wants me to overlook his emotional affair, he wants me to overlook the various text messages from other women and other weird things that have happened since Dday, he wants me to overlook his PA behavior….and when I don’t do that, he goes silent on me for hours…then acts like nothing happened, and then when I don’t go along with that “plan” he gets very defensive and accuses me of trying to start trouble, and then comes  “I can’t do ANYTHING right, NOTHING I do makes you happy…so why do I even try!!”

UGH! I’m sooo over it!

Today PA Man said he doesn’t like living this way….this way meaning no sex or affection…yada, yada, yada, I’ve heard that one before….oh wait, I’ve heard that several times now over the last few years, and I believed him….then! HA! Not anymore!

As I told him, “IF you don’t like living this way, then why haven’t I seen you change how you treat me, why haven’t you stayed in counseling, why haven’t you read ANY books or articles on PA behavior, etc…” To which he replied, “I have changed, I listen to you now!”

Oh, ok. And not 5 mins later, he throws his head back in frustration and heaves a HUGE sigh,  gets out of the car, and walks into the store, leaving me in his dust, because I didn’t agree with him on “The Big Change”….Hmmmm…Ok, yes, I see the change…right. Got it!!

We.Cannot.Talk.To.Each.Other.At.All

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4 thoughts on “He wants his cake!

  1. Exactly the conversations I had with my ex. I was tooooo demanding, toooo selfish and tooo controlling. I expected him to ‘change’ (yes, back into the man I thought I married). It is NOT controlling or demanding to expect reciprocation, openness, communication, honesty and respect. That is what they try and tell us and trying to explain that NORMAL relationships have that as a BASIC everyday part which makes the rest of the relationship easier, is like talking to a brick wall because they don’t want to hear it. They would rather believe that our basic needs for a normal, healthy relationship are tooo ridiculous and outlandish and a ‘fairytale’. It is so demoralising when you are so confused that you allow your expectations of him to almost vanish because the fighting to be heard or understood, is impossible. Yes, they want cake. Yes, they want it all to ‘work out’ without any effort on their behalf. All you have to do is accept him as he is, never ever complain or have expectations and most of all let him do what he wants when he wants and praise him to the sky and back when he throws you a bone. I felt like a worm pinned in the middle – no matter which way I wiggled I was still stuck. Years later, I felt like a hungry dog tied to a clothes line, thrown a bone every now and then, begging to be patted. I feel your pain. It is no way to live. In this empty, sad, resentful and angry space with a man who doesn’t see you, hear you or even know who you are. Nor does he know that with the right care and feeding, your love would blossom and you would be the best most happy wife, that he once adored before it became apparent that he was never going to reciprocate your loyalty, love or devotion and you were going to do all the heavy lifting of the relationship, parenting and house running. That your years were going to be spent trying to forgive him and get over your hurts without the prerequisite remorse from him. That every time you got over a hump and gained your equilibrium, he was going to hurt you again or ignore you or make you feel like nothing. That eventually he doesn’t even KNOW YOU and he doesn’t care to because doing that means he has to take you into account in his daily life and also SEE a woman with needs. He would rather project negative attributes to you – controlling, demanding, selfish – in this way it is much easier to disregard you as a person. I spent a lot of years trying to prove that I wasn’t the person he kept telling me I was. His head is so filled with himself, that there is no room for you.

    • Bronze….I had tears in my eyes reading that. It is so very true. Tonight we’ve had the house to ourselves….our boys went to their older brothers house for several hours…..it’s been quiet. Very, very quiet. And it’s ALL MY FAULT, of course!
      I’ll be writing a post on it tomorrow…stay tuned.

  2. I used to equate it with being a Stepford Wife. Just program me to say all the right things and cater to your every demand, and one of us will be happy. It’s sad that in their skewed reality, they can’t understand that all the time and energy we put into keeping some kind of balance in our marriage by studying how to deal with their PA, could be spent on planning romantic dates, but that’s not possible in PAville.

    • Rocky Road…PA Man actually told me that tonight! That I’m never happy, and all I want to do is bring up the past…so I asked him, “What is it you want from me, how do you want me to act?”
      And he just wants me to act “happy” and to stop bringing up his affair, because he’s heard it over and over again!
      So basically, as long as HE’S happy, that’s all that matters! Oh wait…he’s PA…nothing matters but how HE feels!!!

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