Addicted to Hopeium

That’s what my friend Paula suggested to me….I’m addicted to Hopeium…

I live in the HOPE that one day PA Man will suddenly wake up and say “Oh my gosh, what am I doing?? I’m ruining my marriage and hurting my wife! I have to stop this behavior right now!!”

And boom….he’ll be a new man!!

Right. Never gonna happen!

I suggested counseling again….he doesn’t NEED counseling….he needs to do “this” on his own…what “this” is…who knows!

I’m a bit discouraged at the mo….PA Man and I went on a cruise last week….and yes, I had HOPE…stupid four letter word…that PA Man would open up to me, reconnect under the stars, see how lonely I truly am! HA! Fat chance!

We barely talked….just the same boring stuff….I looked around as we sat silently eating our lunch, and it hit me….we have ZERO communication skills….we can’t talk to each other. We don’t know how!!

On Monday evening I was feeling a bit homesick, and started crying a little, and PA Man just told me it would be ok…then he went to bed..at 9:30pm!! I sat on the balcony, alone, crying just a little bit, and berating myself for going on that stupid cruise!

I wanted to be home with my family, THAT is where I belong, not there with HIM, being ignored!! I won’t make that mistake again! Any more vacations, the whole family goes or it’s not happening!

A few days later, when I brought that up, and how much that hurt me, OF COURSE he was quick to defend himself….He DID come over and give me a hug…Uh no, I was right there, you did NOT! And so the conversation went!

So I shut up, because his gas lighting me always starts to confuse me…and then I start second guessing myself…tell me dear reader, am I the only one who does this??

I really need to start writing things down as they happen, because he confuses me so much! Ugh!!

One last thing that happened….The cruise ship we were on had a rock climbing wall and I really wanted to try it!

So we both signed up for it, and PA Man went first, so I could take several pics and a short video of him….then it was my turn…I showed him how to work my phone, to switch back and forth between pics and the video…it’s not hard, just swipe your finger on the screen. This man works on multi million dollar equipment…surely he can take a few pics…right??

LOL! You already know what happened….PA Man didn’t take one single pic of me climbing that dang wall! He kept it on video the whole freaking time!!!

This after I had explained to him to please make sure he gets several close ups, because I wanted to post them on FB and Instagram…NOT.ONE.SINGLE.PICTURE!

When I asked him WHY didn’t you take some pics, he said he thought I’d rather have a video of my climb…really??  After I specifically asked him to take several pics, then a few seconds of  the  video?? REALLY????  Jerk!!

He then suggested that I do the climb again, so he could take the pics for me…Uh No thanks, I learned my lesson very well the first time! Jerk!!

And so it goes in the ‘ol PA hacienda….I hope you all had a marvelous Mothers Day….We were traveling back from the cruise, a 12 hour drive that was mostly silent….we had argued earlier, so the ride home was VERY quiet!

At one point I actually timed it and we went over THREE hours without saying a word to each other!

Oh well it just frustrates me when I talk to him …so it was probably better for us to ignore each other, LOL!

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7 thoughts on “Addicted to Hopeium

  1. What an arse! Maybe you should have videoed the conversation?!! Lol! I want to scream on your behalf, ‘cos you have these fantastic (50-something woohooooooo!) pins that needed close ups 😉 . Yeah PA man. You. Are. An. Arse. Rewrite the past all you like PAman. Doesn’t change one fact! Grrrrrr!

    • Paula….he is an arse. I just have a hard time accepting it, because he’ll act like this, then turn around and be so nice and loving. I KNOW it’s how he operates, drawing me in, then tossing me out. I am seriously trying to detach myself emotionally right now….it’s what I need to do to survive.

  2. Gaslighting. I know that one very well. The deliberate attempt to shut down any meaningful conversation. I know all the tactics, all the possible nuances they use to manipulate. I did start writing conversations down as soon as they happened because of the sheer ridiculousness of some of them. The one thing I will go to my grave not knowing is, WHY? Why do they do it? If they ‘love’ us they way they say they do – why do they manipulate, lie, ignore and generally have no interest in having a healthy relationship, on building a team? The only answer I have that makes any sense to me is that their version of what love is in their head is totally different to ours. Love to them means, Never having to care and somehow she will always be there. I couldn’t go back to that feeling of being so very low on someones list again. I often wondered how he even remembered my name!! And the circular conversations that go nowhere because of their lying and gaslighting – you may as well talk to a crazy person for all the sense it makes. Having no expectations is the only way to live with these men. And once you realise that you wonder why you even have them around. I had more expectations of my children – who incidentally usually live up to them. Hope your day gets better.

    • Bronze….the gaslighting…OMG…it DRIVES me CRAZY!!!! I’ve actually recorded him on my IPad, and listened to it later…He lied to me about leaving work to go to the bank, saying he “forgot” to call me and tell me he was going…even though he’d been doing it every other Friday for MONTHS!!!
      Then when I calmly stated that this had been the norm for months, how could he “forget” to call me…he changed his story and said that he thought I might be sleeping, and he didn’t want to call and wake me…at 11:30 in the afternoon!!
      Unfortunately for him, I also countered that with, “Ummm, PA Man, you have called me for MONTHS, every other Friday, at 11:30, and I wasn’t sleeping, so why are you so concerned for me now??
      And then, of course, he gets angry, and starts telling me he doesn’t understand why it’s such a BIG deal, that I’m just trying to start an argument, etc….Well, as I reminded him…it IS a big deal because he freaking cheated on me, and I like to know exactly where he is because I don’t trust him…and Oh, BTW, you’ve had a few strange text messages in the last year, from other women and you can’t explain who they are and why they’re texting you…jerk!

      I’m at the point in my life that I have to decide what it is I want for my future…
      Do I stay with PA Man and just live my own life? Independent and free, doing my own thing…while he does his? Just living together, and sharing a house, but not a life? Or do I want more?
      I’m not a bad looking woman…I think, LOL….I do get a few stares every now and then 😉 But would I WANT to get into another relationship….I think not….I’ve been burned enough.
      Right now, I’m here for my kids, trying to make a more secure life for them, trying to make sure they are grounded, and won’t be as dysfunctional as PA Man…I hope I’m succeeding!
      It will break my heart if one of my boys turns out to be like PA Man!! I pray for them everyday, that God will protect them!
      My FIL is passive aggressive and PA Man has no contact with him, he says he doesn’t like him…and yet, he acts JUST LIKE HIM! Go figure!
      They are sick in the head…there is no other explanation for it.

  3. Oh yes, yes, yes. I really feel better now having read your accounts of the jerk! He doesn’t know how to use the camera, he doesn’t know how to communicate, doesn’t know how to go on a vacation and have some fun. I’m married to one too! Ugh! We sat in the hot tub again the other night, and no speaking. He sits with his eyes closed most of the time, and I’m looking at him and wondering, how does he do it? How can someone possibly be so boring? So, how do we survive it all? I have come to spend as little time with him as possible. I plan out every day and how I can make it so that we are not together. It is so much easier, then being around him and yearning for some connection. I’ve also moved ahead and make most all the decisions in our life. We need a new car and I went to the dealership by myself for the first time. I’m proud of myself for that one. And, plans are underway for my first vacation with only my sisters. Accepting the truth of my relationship seems to help for now. And, hearing the truth of your relationships is so encouraging because it so helps to know I am not alone. Thanks friends.

    • Bravo Chocolates! Good for you! I can’t believe you went to the dealership on your own! LOL!! What did YOUR PA Man say about that?? 😀
      I think that once we accept that this is how it’s always going to be, then it gets a little bit easier to deal with!
      And YES…the silence, that unnerving silence! OMG!! It really does bother me so much! And I think he knows it, that’s why he does it so much!
      We’ve been back for three days now…and we haven’t had any conversation at all. He’ll ask me a question, I’ll answer, and that’s it. Or I’ll ask him a question, and he’ll answer, and that’s it.
      We never sit down and just TALK!!!!! Never!!
      And you are right….he’s so boring! He has NO friends, while I have many! He has no contact with his family, I talk to mine everyday!
      And yet, he seems quite content. I find that soooo weird!!

      Givemechocolates….that’s why I started this blog…I NEEDED to know that there are others like me, other women who understand just how horrible this situation is…to know….I’m not alone…and I’m NOT crazy!
      Thanks for posting 🙂

    • Go Chocolates! I bought the last two cars by myself, after all, it’s my money too, and I drive it, he drives the old family wagon, mine is a little economical commute-to-work number, so why shouldn’t I select and buy? Turns out the first time I bought my first one, a cute little Italian, lol, he was in the middle of an affair. No wonder he didn’t care, had no interest in any input, I worked out the budget and what my requirements were. Mmmmm, the second one, I just did it.

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