We don’t talk.

We don’t talk. Not about us, about our marriage and about my needs. Nothing. I’ve tried twice in the last four days….nothing. He clams up. Goes into silent mode. Gets angry.

We are Christians, and in saying that, the Bible, Gods word, has a special significance to us.

So in the past, when the kids were younger, if we had a dispute about something, and I wasn’t quite sure who was telling the truth or who was  lying, I’d get out the bible and tell them to put their hand on it, and swear before God that they were telling the truth…and it worked every time! LOL!

So now, because of the affair and because he’s PA, I’ve actually had to do that with PA Man…get out my bible and have him swear that he’s telling the truth….because at times, I just can’t tell, and my gut was roaring at me!!

So two nights ago, I tried once again, optimistic fool that I am, to talk to PA Man about us and the state of our marriage…got me nowhere of course.

What it did get me was a bunch of lies…and anger. A sullen, silent, deep sighing, whoa is me type of anger!

 

So when PA Man sat down to eat his dinner, I sat next to him, and said “Look, I know you’re angry, can we talk about this?”

I was very calm, and spoke softly, just wanting him to open up…nope, he’s not having it! “I’m not angry, I’m just tired.” Bonk!!! LIE!!!

So I try again, “PA Man, I know you’re angry, this is PA behavior…deny your anger and keep it buried inside, come on, you can be honest with me, lets talk.” Still in a soft calm voice….Again, denial of the anger.

So I got up, got my bible, put it on the table, and said “Ok, you’re not angry, you’re not upset with me for trying to talk to you about our relationship…put your hand on the bible and swear to it!”

He wouldn’t do it. He said that it was stupid, he said he wasn’t angry and I had to believe him, he said that the bible proves nothing.

So I looked at him and said “Well then, just humor me, and put your hand on the bible and swear before God that you’re not angry with me, that you’re ok with me trying to talk to you earlier.”

And he smirked and then said “Ok, I’m not ANGRY…I’m frustrated right now.”

Ahhhh…now we’re getting somewhere! So he’s frustrated, but not angry…okkkkk???

He then, in perfect passive aggressive style,  turned it back on me saying “Well, you get angry too!”

But I was ready for that one, since he does it quite often…it’s called deflecting…so I told him, “Yes, I do, but this isn’t about me, this is about you burying your anger and not being honest about it! You know when I’m angry, I don’t hide it.”

So anyway, it went back and forth a few times….and he never once touched that bible.

I guess the moral of this story is if I want the truth….get out my bible. For right how, he seems to fear God….but how long will that last?

He’s in bondage to his sin, the sin of Passive Aggression. And he obviously doesn’t want out….he’s comfortable there.

Well, as time goes by, my eyes are opening, and I’m finding that I’M not comfortable living with a man that lies…so my thinking about saving this marriage is changing a bit.

My youngest child is 14 1/2 if I can make it for just another few years….we will see.

But I don’t trust my husband…..so how do I live this way?

Can I live this way??

I’m trying to be patient….we are selling our house in the next several months…We want to buy a small farm and if I can wait til then, that will be better for me in the long run.

I’m  planning on having a huge organic garden so that I can feed us and also sell the extra produce, and a lot more chickens ( I have several right now and sell the eggs to family and friends) and fruit trees….I know I could make the farm turn a small profit for me and my boys….enough to get us by, with child support and alimony.

Plus my older two boys are wanting a small farm soooo badly, son#3 is really good with the small animals we do have, chickens and ducks, and son #2 loves to help me in my garden, so it would be perfect for us.

So that plan is at the back on my mind. It’s sad….because all the plans in my head, don’t include my husband.

But instead of guilt, I need to remember, I have tried EVERYTHING I can.

Monday night I sat on our back deck and cried….I told God I can’t do this anymore…that I can’t talk to him…and I don’t trust him.

I know God heard me. I saw a falling star, how cool was that? 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “We don’t talk.

    • I like that Married….God loves us, more than he hates divorce 🙂 I’ll keep that in the PA tool box, ready to pull it out next time PA Man says we can’t get divorced, because God hates divorce! HA!

  1. lonelywife-I would like to ask you a question. Do your pa spouse follow you around the house and do what you do? For example: if i go outside and sit on the porch, he follows and do it, if I eat chocolate, he start buying it to eat, if I start cleaning, he will start cleaning, if I shread papers, he will find paper to shread. If I didn’t want to watch tv for a day, he will not watch tv for a day. I’m wondering if that is part of being passive aggressive. If really feels like i’m married to myself. It’s so weird to me and I was wondering if you had that experience at some point.

    • Marriedtomyself….YES!!!!!! He has NO friends. Whatever I’m involved in, he’s involved in!!
      For example…I volunteered for our churches food pantry…they needed help, and it’s something I’m interested in…so after church one Sunday, I mentioned to PA Man that I was going to volunteer…and he was against it!
      I listened to his opinion about it, which was negative, “You’re already doing a lot” and “You’re involved in several ministries already, let some one else do it”, etc……But I told him I still wanted to do it, that it was only once a month, not every week, and I felt that this was perfect for me!
      So the next thing I know, after we get home, he goes upstairs and tells our boys, without me knowing, that we are ALL going to serve in the church food pantry, as a family!!
      What?? This is the man who not 30 mins earlier was telling me to NOT volunteer???
      And the kicker? He let our boys think it was ALL his idea! And I guess it was…in a weird sort of way!
      It WAS his idea to go to our boys on his own and announce that we all were going to serve in this ministry!!
      Anyway, I do like being with PA Man….we do have fun together, and I don’t try to pick apart everything he says and does, to see if it’s PA behavior….what’s the use, right?
      He’s not a “mean” PA….I don’t think. He doesn’t seem to be….We have fun together. we go out to eat a lot, we are taking a really nice vacation next week…He doesn’t seem to mind me spending money, and I don’t work.
      BUT PA Man is emotionally deficient…..he has no empathy for me or others.

      And after his affair….I NEED him to be there emotionally! But he does get angry when I start to ask for more….he doesn’t really show it. Just shuts me out, and that hurts.
      A few hours later, he acts like it never happened. But I don’t forget…I NEVER forget…and each time…it hurts more and more!

    • Just reading through the archive. . .

      Yes, my husband does this too. He mostly likes to watch TV and read fantasy novels. I decided that I was going to start hiking more (we live in a beautiful area for it). All of a sudden he’s buying hiking books and trying to organize trips for us. This, after telling me for years how much he hates hiking. It’s an underhanded method of control, I think.

      • Or maybe they are so desperate for attention, that this is their way of trying to get it? Or maybe so they can pat themselves on the back and tell themselves, with deep, drawn out sighs, that they sacrifice soooo much for their wives, and just aren’t appreciated???
        Really though….who knows???

  2. Thank you Lonelywife, I really thought it was just me!!! I appreciate your feedback. I think PA’s are mean. They do things to you underhanded to get you back for something you didn’t know they was upset about in the first place. To me, thats cruel and selfish. It’s always better to be upfront with someone, no matter how they think you will react or say about it. You can’t help fix it if you don’t know what you did wrong.

  3. I really need to educate myself more on PA behavior. I look at PA Man and I think to myself “He’s really not a mean person, right? No, he’s not! He’s a hard worker, a good provider, you’re imagining all of this behavior…it’s not directed at me!”…..and then I remember…He had an affair….actually he’s had two emotional affairs in 25 years…so yes, I would say that he’s a mean, selfish person!

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