Panic attacks and pancakes…

Last Thursday I had a panic attack. If you’ve never had one, consider yourself blessed!

If you have had panic attacks, you know how debilitating it can be.

It’s truly one of the most out of control feelings in the world!

I only slept about 3 hours on Wed. night, woke up, and that’s when the shaky, out of control feelings started…crying, stomach in knots, choking feeling in my throat….ugh!

I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day, so thankful my boys are older and could care for themselves…unlike the last time I suffered from panic attacks, when they were 4 and 2 yrs old!

PA Man came home, and I will admit, he was really nice and seemed very concerned. And I’ll admit I wasn’t very nice to him…After all, I DO blame him because of his affair and also his PA behavior….I told him,  with tears running down my face, hair all over the place….that I was tired of all this crap!

That he needs to change his behavior, that I won’t let him ruin my health!

He listened, admitted that he doesn’t do what he needs to do as a husband and father, and said he knows he has to do better….so we shall see.

By this time, it was after 8pm, and I since I hadn’t cooked supper, PA Man went downstairs and made pancakes for himself and the boys.

He never came up and offered me any, which I thought was rather strange, LOL, but not totally unexpected. It didn’t really matter, because my stomach wouldn’t let me eat anyway…but still, it would have been nice if he’d offered.

I had texted several friends earlier in the day, explaining about the panic attack, and asked them to pray, and I’m happy to say that I slept all night long, and the next morning I woke up feeling rested, and no anxiety!

I had on praise music all day and it really does help me to focus on God, and not my problems, most of the time.

Anyway, today is Monday, I had a great weekend…and I’m moving forward! PA Man seemed more open and we had a couple good conversations so that made me happy 🙂

 

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2 thoughts on “Panic attacks and pancakes…

  1. Your happiness if either up or down, depending on how your hubby is behaving. I myself know exactly how that feels. My whole day was either ruined or fantastic depending on what he said, did or his mood. Some days I could detach and be happy regardless. When those days came along his resentment towards me grew. I wasn’t supposed to be happy unless he was. Have you ever read anything on Chump ladies blog? She is great for spouses who have been cheated on. Living with a PA cheating man is a hard slogging road for you, especially when all he has to do is act ‘normally’ like any other non-disordered man acts daily to be deemed as being somehow great. Having a good conversation is something other married couples do without effort regularly and it doesn’t even rate a mention it is so normal to them. I stayed with my ex for over 20 yrs and yet when I read my diaries, the phenomenon of him seeming fantastic and me being happy at such mundane normal behaviour was already happening by year 3 – he had already managed my expectations of him down that low. They got a LOT lower over the years, that all he had to do was smile in my direction for me to be happy that day. It is hard to see when you are inside the relationship. I feel for you and recognise your monumental strength in doing what you are doing. In the end, for me, my strength gave out and I had to abandon ship or my mental health would not have been enough to allow me to look after the kids properly. I chose self preservation over the marriage. I cross my fingers that this good spell lasts long enough to give you some lasting strength to weather the next storm your PA man will deliver, invariably and inexorably, like clockwork. Take Care.

    • Bronze, thank you so much for your reply 🙂 I love hearing from others who have/are traveling this path.
      Yes, it is a day by day thing…my PA Man isn’t a hard core PA, I believe….or maybe he is and I’m not seeing it?
      That’s whats so freaking hard about all of this!!
      We get along great…but at times, he makes remarks that make me think “Hmmm….was that a little resentment leaking out?”
      And I know because of the affair, that he DOES have huge resentments towards me, but doesn’t show it! And that scares me to be honest!
      I just don’t know sometimes!! And that’s what makes me crazy!
      IS he telling the truth when he says he doesn’t mind me spending money on a mani-pedi? IS he telling the truth when he says he loves buying me gifts, that that’s his way of showing love? When he says he’s happy that I’m a stay at home mom?? Or is there resentment underneath all of that?
      I hate always second guessing him, but I just don’t know!!

      And a HUGE yes to “Having a good conversation is something other married couples do without effort regularly and it doesn’t even rate a mention it is so normal to them.” OH YES!!!!!

      We have what I refer to as “surface talk”….Not communicating our wants and needs…but talking about the weather, his office mates, his work schedule, church activities, his work schedule, my family, his work environment….oh, did I mention his work a few times?
      He LOVES his job….and I hear ALL.ABOUT.IT!!
      I know it’s important to him, and I’m happy for him…but I REALLY do NOT need to know about the computer printout for XYZ machine that was a quarter of an inch off, thus making it impossible to use, so he called the engineers who made the printout and they faxed him the specifics and he then had to file the aluminum piece that was made from the printout, before he could install in on the machine and then he had to reboot the machine and run it for a half an hour, and then after that he was able to….blah blah, blah!!
      Day in and day out…this is what I hear!
      I now see that his job fulfills a need in him for admiration….a need the OW filled also….
      And then, when I ask him if we can talk about US, he shuts done and says “Oh, that’s right, you don’t like hearing about my job!”
      When he said that to me last week, if had enough!
      I told him to pleases stop saying that, that I’m happy he’s happy in his job, and I don’t mind listening to a brief recap of his day…but 45 mins is a bit to much, especially when I don’t understand all the technical mumbo jumbo!!
      I have learned this is dealing with a PA….Have NO expectations! NONE! Then you can’t be disappointed!

      Oh, and YES, love the Chump Lady! She’s awesome!! LOL!

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