Discovering my husband Is PA

You would think, after being married for 25 yrs, that I would have known that my H (husband) is Passive Aggressive!

But that wasn’t the case! I only discovered the reality of the life I had been living after my H decided to have an Emotional Affair (EA) with a cow…Ok, sorry, I know I just offended cows across the land! My bad!

The OW (other woman) isn’t really a cow…that’s just my name for her, as her backside does slightly resemble one! 😉

Anyway, this blog isn’t really about her, it’s about my husband, lets call him PA Man…Anyway, after I discovered the EA, PA Man wouldn’t really answer my questions, he lied repeatedly to “protect me” and that hurt almost as much as the affair….I wanted answers to why, after 25 yrs of marriage, he would jeopardize all that we had built together!

So fast forward to Jan. 2013 and a dear friend who I met online, her H had also had an EA, asked me a question that changed my life!

N asked me, after I was telling her about PA MAN and his refusal to answer my questions, his refusing to go to couples counseling, promising he’d read articles and books on affair recovery and then making excuses about why he couldn’t/wouldn’t….his eyes hurt, he was tired, he’s heard it all from me anyway, etc….if you’re here, reading this…you KNOW what I’m talking about!!

So N asks, “Is your H Passive Aggressive??” I was silent for a moment, then said “I don’t know…what’s Passive Aggressive?”

Her answer rocked my world and that’s when I learned exactly why my marriage wasn’t what I wanted it to be….why my H had the affair and refused to help me heal from it…He IS Passive Aggressive!!

I went online and read and read and read…as tears poured down my face!! FINALLY I had an answer! And it scared me!! I couldn’t find anything positive about having a successful marriage with a passive aggressive!!

What I did find was that it wasn’t MY fault that for over 25 years I felt like I didn’t matter to my H….all those years of feeling that it was my fault because I wasn’t happy…all those years of wondering why I felt lonely, even though I was married…all those many, many times of feeling abandoned, knowing I couldn’t depend on him to be there for me!


But how could he be?? He’s soooo charming! Everyone likes him!! My friends all envy me because we have such a great marriage!! He SPOILS me! (That’s one of his fave things he says to me!! )

And then there’s this one….He’s a Christian and a Deacon in our church!! ~Gasp~

But there it was, in black and white…I am the wife of a Passive Aggressive man.

As I write this blog, it’s for me. I need an outlet. No one is reading what I write…for now. I’m hoping in the future that others will discover my blog, others like me who are searching, hoping to find someone that truly understands how hard it is, how horribly frustrating it is to live with a PA spouse….So when you find this….Welcome….I hope you now know you’re not alone.  🙂


13 thoughts on “Discovering my husband Is PA

  1. The sheer, bloody-minded frustration of dealing with Mr-Nice-Guy-Deacon sounds so debilitating, terez. I hope this helps you feel less alone.

    • I hope so too, Paula…What I’m also hoping is that other women will find encouragement when reading this blog…especially Christian women, who feel locked into a prison of smiling on the outside, but screaming on the inside… :/

  2. Your blog help me to realize I’m not alone. I appreciate you writing about your experience. Our story is similar. My PA husband is a usher in the church and he is very nice and kind whenever he is not upset or you don’t expect anything of him. But if you try and confront him, he will lie, make excuses that don’t make sense, etc. What bothers me the most is, no one I know really understand what it is to live with a PA spouse. I can talk to a friend or family member and unless you have lived with this behavior, they don’t understand. This makes me feel very alone at times and lonely. I have grieved having no intimacy in our marriage, no real conversation-just idle talk, no real relationship. And he definitely talk and have more intimate conversations with other women. I am no longer jealous, i don’t care anymore. Thanks again for sharing your story. Do you have plans to terminate your marriage, eventually?

    • Hi Married….glad you stopped by 🙂 I have no plans for divorce at this time…PA Man and I get along pretty well, as long as I don’t expect anything “emotional” from him…I enjoy my life, other than the emotional loneliness that creeps up every now and then.
      We have achieved what most people would call “financial success” and I hesitate to throw it all away…I feel I’ve served my “time” LOL, and I don’t want some young, no nothing piece of trash to get what I feel is mine! LOL! That sounds soooo selfish, doesn’t it?
      But it’s the truth!
      I’ve been married for over 28 yrs, I’ve put up with a lot of crap, and I feel I deserve to live the “high life” now. Cold? Maybe…but living with a PA will do that to you!
      And YES, no one gets it! Unless you actually live the life, people just DO NOT GET IT!
      Passive aggressives are so charming…Heck, even our marriage counselor seemed to be on PA Mans side! It was ridiculous!
      Post here as much as you want, Married….I care about how you feel, and I do believe that it’s so much harder when your husband is involved in church and has a “good” reputation…Sadly, most people just do not get it.

  3. Lonely…I respect your decision to stay. It’s not a easy decision whether or not to leave or stay with a pa spouse. I haven’t left because I don’t want to hurt my family. My trust in him has been totally destroyed though. You really can’t get that back when dealing with a pa spouse because they don’t say what they mean and I feel like there is always a hidden agenda. You are absolutely correct about being cold!!! I feel cold towards my H too, I’ve had to learn how to emotionally detach so I could keep my sanity. So far, it has helped, I don’t get so caught up in his bs like I used to.

    • Marriedtomyself….you’re right…we can’t get caught up in the passive aggressive dance…it’s what they want!
      But man! Isn’t it hard? I could scream with frustration sometimes! Trying to talk to him is like trying to talk to a defiant 5 yr old!!
      And YES about the hidden agenda! I never know what to believe anymore…and I’m a shoot straight from the hip type of gal…so YES, I get sooo frustrated with all the innuendo…UGH!!
      PA Man is now pushing me to get a job outside the home…never in 28 yrs has he ever wanted me to work…and now he does. A friend needs help in his office a few days a week, and PA Man mentioned it again tonight, telling me I should look into it.
      Not quite sure what to think about it, especially since our youngest son (14) was recently diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome….it’s very mild, and he’s in therapy now….and since I homeschool him I don’t think working right now would be in his best interest and it’s not like we NEED the money…hmmmmm??

  4. I had the same realization about a month ago…and having a name for my husband’s behavior was actually empowering. It’s scary how much your story could be exactly mine. I have learned not to expect anything from him, because I was always disappointed. There isn’t any kind of intimacy in our relationship anymore because he doesn’t seem to want it. I have learned not to care anymore, but I will stay with him and just do my own thing. I respect you for wanting to stay, but I also understand completely those who just need to get out. I would if it were easy, but it isn’t. I wish more people understood about this crazy-making behavior! Thanks for sharing your story, we all help each other cope!

    • Hi marsocmom….I once read that with PAs you have to live with the motto “No expectations!!” And that is soooo true!!

      And I hear you about no intimacy…but it’s ME who doesn’t want the intimacy, not PA Man! He crushed my heart with his EA, and has done very little in the way of recovery…so I’ve had to detach emotionally.
      And it’s hard, believe it or not!
      I like being with my husband, I really do. He’s a nice guy, and we get along pretty well, he’s not a mean PA, and I KNOW that’s a weird thing to say, because he did have the affair…but I also can understand how he got involved with the Cow….his low self esteem, and also a desire to have a close relationship with his family all played a huge part…the Cow is best friends with his cousin and he was seeking approval and acceptance from them and I guess this is the way he went about it.

      Thanks for writing! It helps to know others are also living this life, that I’m not the only one!! :/ Hope you have a great week!

  5. its very weird that pa man wants you to all of a sudden get a job. My PA spouse does random weird things that way too. I wonder if they think of ways they can get to you, just for the hell of it! One would think they would run out of new PA things to do, but they don’t, its never ending.

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